Posted

Feb 23rd 2005

Mood

Ashamed

story time

no appologies. no pity. none. do not read if you cannot comply.

cei once had a best friend. cei and best friend did everything together. they esspically loved playing ninja turtles with stick swords and playing in an old water drainage ditch behind cei's house. cei and best friend knew each other for years. and were very happy.

then one day, best friend went home where best friend's father cut best friend up pretty badly. best friend said to himself " this living thing kind of sucks" the next morning, best friend's mother found best friend had hung himself in the basement.

cei was very upset over this. cei didn't know what to do without best friend. first cei was very angry. cei's other friends tried to comfort cei, but cei would hit them for trying. cei tried to show his pain by hurting other people cei didn't know, but cei soon found out he was very weak and not good at this fighting thing. cei has a scar on this chin from getting hit in the face with a stick.

so after a few months, cei had driven off what friends cei had, and cei was even more lonely. cei said to himself he would just disconnect himself from everyone. that way, cei would never have to know what it feels like to loose someone ever again.

and for many years, cei lived like this. oh, sure, cei knew some people. he'd have a friend in english class, a friend in art class, but cei and art friend and cei and english friend would never say 'hello' outside of class rooms.

after a while, cei took a step back, looked at his life, realized how misarable he was and said to himself " this living thing kind of sucks" cei would spend many hours a night holding blades of some kind trying to build up the courage. "if i can just do this" he told himself "i can see best friend again. i miss best friend very much" but cei could not do what best friend had done. cei could not go where best friend went.

cei took another hard look at his life, and what he had done. cei was very very ashamed. best friend would not have wanted cei to act this way. best friend would have wanted cei to keep drawing, and keep singing. both of which cei loved to do, but hadn't done in years. and most of all, at least cei thought, best friend would want cei to have other best friends.

and so. cei made some very good friends. cei felt he couldn't tell the new friends about cei's past. because they would laugh at him. or not believe him. or not care. or worst of all. leave cei. so cei never told. but every once in a while. a friend will tease cei about being shy and quiet and unable to act normally. and it will hurt cei very badly because he is still very ashamed of his past.