- Nov 9th 2011
- DEREZZED - daft punk
THIS ENTIRE STATEMENT IS ENTIRELY PARODICAL IN MANNER, AND IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM IS MEANT TO INSULT ANYBODY OR ANYTHING, BLAH BLAH BLAH DISCLAIMER ETC. BULLSHIT
The world will end on November 11th, 2011. Seeing as it has ended over 40 times in human history, it is only natural that we take precautions and air some last minute shows on the Discovery Channel and the History Channel, which are both reliable sources of quality information regarding Armageddon. December 21st, 2012 is incorrect; it is too late, and the date 12/21/12 doesn’t sound as cool or as frightening as 11/11/11- just typing those numbers sends chills up my spine. As of November 9th, 2011, you will have 2 days to prepare accordingly.
And how will the world end? The sky will come down from the skies and crush us under a staggering weight of 26.2 pounds or air. I know that this sounds devastating, but please consider: 26.2 pounds of air weighs the same as 26.2 pounds of bricks or a 26.2 pound toddler. If the sky doesn’t scare you, maybe a viral video on YouTube depicting the damage a 26.2 pound baby can do to the average human when dropped from the height of around 400,000 feet could convince you that this is serious business.
Now, I base my prediction on a combination of logic, fact, premonition, science, the Internet and the Weather Channel. The people who proposed the “2012” prediction based it on the Mayan Calendar. Unlike them, I don’t rely on the carvings of primitive people on a rock. I have concrete evidence. There have been signs during the week that I noticed may lead to the sky’s eventual fall. Just last Friday, I felt a peculiar sensation touch my arm, as if I was touched by an angel. As I gazed upon the spot, I recognized it as a tear; a tear, from the sky- as if God Himself was crying over the atrocity of mankind. It was a single raindrop, just a tiny piece of sky that fell from a cloudless atmosphere. At that moment, I had a divine vision that all of the earth was being crushed by some invisible substance- until I realized that it was air. In my premonition, the sky was falling. It was terrible- you can’t even see the sky coming at you; you think you dodged it and WHAM! Headshot! It was probably only a moment, but it felt like hours. Afterwards, I kept on noticing little hints about when the world would end, and with great reluctance I concluded that it was November 11th, 2011.
On Sunday, I heard on the radio that many couples would be marrying on 11/11/11. Also, veterans eat free at Applebee’s on Veterans Day. I realized this was another sign to the true date of the world’s end. Obviously, you’d want to get married or have dinner at your local family restaurant before the sky comes crashing down like raining babies. Speaking of raining, my parents are going to take me to California this weekend. We were going to go to Disneyland, but Dad said it was going to rain all weekend. Sadly, theme parks have a strict policy to close on the end of the world. I don’t feel like seeing Mickey Mouse being killed by a falling cloud either.
I’m not a prophet. I’m more like the last person to die in the ‘Final Destination’ movies. I’ve decided to call myself the first believer of Pequena de Pollo, or Chicken Little. Every famous end of the world prediction has a cool name like Y2K or 2012. I’m basing my name from the very first oracle, the TRUE prophet of this ideology: Chicken Little, who famously predicted, “The sky is falling!” Since ‘Chicken Little’ doesn’t sound cool enough, I used Google Translate to come up with something inspirational. Our motto is ‘Oh, Dios mío, el cielo se está cayendo.’
Please do not be depressed, and refrain from suicidal thoughts or actions. While most people are better off dead, it will not stop the inevitable. Besides, look at bright side! If I can alert them fast enough, JC Penney might have a wonderful End-of-the-World sale! Global Warming won’t matter because there’s no globe to warm. Krispy Kreme will have no choice but to give away free donuts so they don’t spoil after Armageddon. America’s economy will drastically improve because the elderly will be easily crushed under 26.2 pounds of air, and therefore be unable to claim social security checks; the money spent on old people can be better spent giving welfare to trustworthy, hardworking illegal Mexican immigrants. Obesity will be less of an issue, because everyone will be running around to dodge falling pieces of air- it’s a great way to burn those calories and improve your cardio. Teen Pregnancy?- easily solved! If she doesn’t want the kid, all she has to do is lie on her back and wait for a piece of sky to terminate the parasite. Free abortions! Society is so worried about the end of the world, they don’t realize all the good it does for us! I personally can’t wait for this Friday; I’m looking forward to buying a new pair of jeans at the Galleria.
While I’m not revealing this information to the general public, for fear of mass hysteria, I’m going to warn a select few of my chosen followers, who will then proceed to go on Facebook and eventually spread my predictions online; as soon as controversy stirs and doubts appear, my prediction will become so grandeur that you may even find it on Fox News, Wikipedia, or even see our motto taped on the back on President Obama’s coat; all in a timeframe of just two days. Remember my friends, on November 11th, 2011, the sky will fall.
~Oh, Dios mío, el cielo se está cayendo~