Posted

Aug 30th 2009

Mood

Tired

I guess I just need some time to think.

I'm different now. Ever since some personal, medical issues, I've been. . . weird. I don't create art anymore. I can't draw. I can't write. Hell, I used to have a compulsion to write just about every day. I was obsessed with books and language. Now I'm not. I don't feel like I have to write at all. I don't feel as compelled to read as I used to. In a phrase, I'm a completely different person.

There's a big empty hole in the pit of my heart. It's been a long time since I've felt so lonely and forgotten. The world is a big place, and unless you're truly blessed, you'll get lost. I think that's what happened to me a long time ago. It happened a long time ago, but it just took a while for me to really realize that. I don't know if you can ever get un-lost. Can you coax a wandering soul back home?

My world is covered in a strange film. Things feel oddly silent and still, as if a storm is about to unleash its fury upon the earth, or something massive is about to occur. Sometimes I feel like I'm not real, like there's some other Zion driving a car, going to class, writing a paper, typing on the computer, etc.

I can no longer relate to my fellow human beings. It's as if the last of my sympathies have been burned to ashes, except there will be no phoenix rising to the sky. Things in reach are now out of reach. Worlds once possible are now closed to me.

I don't even have the motivation to kill myself.

Outside, a storm gathers. The sky is dark gray. Thunder rumbles. A wind lashes the trees eastward. I look on, yes, I look on and wonder if this is some kind of sign, if this is an omen from the gods who have so often looked unkindly upon me or not at all. In the pit of this story, I am alone. I am cold. So cold.

I think I'll be okay. I've gone through many a storm in my short lifetime. I've experienced things unimaginably painful. But still, this is goodbye and good luck.

I'm not sure I'll ever return.