Posted

Jun 17th 2009

Mood

Confused

Music

Extreme Ways- Moby

I've been contemplating for quite some time as to where I want to take my life, career wise, and artistically. I still as of yet have to find my 'career path' love, but, I am slowly starting to see the light for my artistic passions.

For years I have struggled with a want for a perfect line, crisp color, and currently to master digital painting...and anything digital for that matter. I've always had a fake thought or dream of being an Illustrator. Now, I say fake because I was focusing on this and ignoring my actual abilities and unique gifts for the art- not that it was a fake dream.

Through my years of this practice I've come across major headaches and struggle just getting my inspiration out on paper. Trying to do the ways of the Illustrator has been an emotional and mentally tiring fiasco and I still have yet to come to terms of enjoyment with it. On days when I would be so distraught because I couldn't get an image I would scribble out a drawing out of pure emotion, plain scribbles with color, or an actual image with a figure that was more abstract of nature then an Illustrator would do.

I also find a lot of enjoyment in making characters giving them stories, making worlds in my head. Another dream of mine was to do comics but this has yet to work out for me as well. Characters come to me easily and I do have a guilty pleasure of the occasional role play but when it comes to making the story and having to sit down and write a screen play. Then draw something panel by panel with view points sounds like a death wish for me. I play by emotion, I always enjoy the emotions.


Another thing is I've had so many dreams with digital painting as well as vector artwork like creating a series of simple things people could afford until my other work is noticed more. I've been doing digital art for only a short while and I am still dissatisfied with the outcomes. Yes, I am aware everything takes practice. I will continue to practice, because I do get a bit of fun with it.

However, here is where I had a revelation. I suddenly realized, while also working on some traditional paintings at the same time. That I do not find the same relaxation and joy I get out of traditional work with digital. With traditional, it's like a zen that clears all my stress and anxieties and makes me feel happier instead of depressed. Things also seem to come easier and I concentrate better there is a love I have for it that's not the love/hate relationship I have with digital. That and not only myself but others notice my work when it is traditional because of this love. Digital I become a blank robot that wishes she was done with it already and hoping it would finish itself and create something pretty in the end. I always end up frustrated and not enjoying myself at all.


So, I am at a place now where I wonder if I should be taking the Painter route. Though, I do not want to abandon the other loves I do have such as characters and fashion. But, I am beginning to come out of my denial....I am not cool enough to be an Illustrator. I belong with the dying breed... I'm at such a loss.