Posted

Oct 5th 2008

Mood

Dead

Music

NIN

I'm becoming less defined as days go by.

F a d i n g a w a y . . .

Well, you might say I'm losing focus.

Kinda drifting to the abstract in terms of how I see myself...

Sometimes, I think I can see right through myself...

Sometimes, I think I can see right through myself...

sometimes i think i can see right through myself...



Less concerned about fitting into the world.

Your world, that is...

Cause it doesn't really matter anymore.
[no, it doesn't really matter anymore.]

No, it doesn't really matter anymore.

None of this... really matters anymore...



Yes, I am alone.

But then again, I always was.

As far back as I can tell...

I think maybe it's because...

Because you were never really real to begin with.

I just made you up to hurt myself...

I just made you up to hurt myself.

I just made you up to hurt myself.

I just made you up to hurt myself.

I just made you up to hurt myself.

and it worked...

Yes it did.



There is no you. There is only me.
There is no you. There is only me.
There is no you. There is only me.
There is no you. There is only me.

only...

only...

only...

only...





Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye.

And it turned out to be a scab.

And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad...

But i just couldn't leave it alone...

just kept picking at that scab...

It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut...

But I climbed through...



Now I'm somewhere I am not supposed to be.

And I can see things I know I really shouldn't see.

And now I know why, yeah, now I know why...



Things aren't as pretty... on the inside...





There is no you. There is only me.
There is no you. There is only me.
There is no you. There is only me.
There is no you. There is only me.

only...

only...

only...

only...

only...

only...

only...

only...






_______________________








You know that feeling... like... you're just... fading away?



Those things that make you an artist, a writer, a thinker, a philosopher, and inventor, a creator.

All those really subtle things about the concious mind... Those things that separate you from the majority of the human population... That make you different. That set you apart.

You ever get the feeling like you're losing your grip on that... Spark? That creativity, imagination, that will and drive and motivation... That higher level of intelligence...

Clarity of mind.

The ability to see things that most don't even have a clue are there. To concentrate and contemplate and just... See.

It's like... my synapses aren't firing right.

Like a lightbulb that attempts to ignite, flickers dimly, and goes out.

Like when you wake from a dream... And you remember almost everything in detail. But after only a matter of minutes, every trace of it is gone... Save maybe an evanescent flash of blurry scene, or a simple feeling that fades to nothing in a fraction of a second...

I just feel like... I can't... Feel... The way I used to... Like I'm just... Going numb... Losing myself... I feel so foggy... My thoughts and feelings feel so sluggish and muddy...

For example.

This morning I smelled a perfume of mine that I haven't worn in a long time. You know those times when something like that triggers all sorts of memories and flashbacks and thoughts and feelings? Things like that have always made me be able to go back in my mind and almost relive what happened while I was reminded of that scent.

Well... It was like... I felt that trigger go off, for sure. I knew what should have happened in my mind, all the memories and thoughts and feelings that should have come along with that. It's happened so many times before.

But then... Nothing... Just some barely discernible memories... Some weak rippling feelings... Something intangible that slips away so easily...

It's like... I'm losing my clarity of mind... My ability to think and feel clearly...

Something I've always prided myself about... Something you rarely even think about, but that means so much about you, something that makes you who you are...

Just that... Something...

That ability to feel where others can't... To see where others are oblivious... To think where others don't care...

Like... The inspiration you get from the world around you...

The feel of the first crisp, cool Autumn wind on your face... The soft rain on your skin... The thunder in your bones...

The spark you get when you see an incredible piece of artwork... Or listen to an amazing piece of music...

It's just... Fading away... I can't seem to hold on to it anymore...

I think this has happened before... And I've never quite recovered from it... But It feels... Different, somehow...




People ask me if I even care.

They tell me I just don't try.

That I'm just throwing my life away.

That I'm so smart and intelligent.

I should be able to accomplish so much more.




And I agree.

Or tell them lies.

I tell my teachers and my parents that I care about my schoolwork. About my life.

I agree that I don't try. I'm so sick of arguing.

I know that I could accomplish so much more.

But honestly... I just... Don't care.

I have no will. No motivation whatsoever.

And I've tried time and time again to make myself care.

But I just... Can't.

How can you make yourself care about something that you've perceived for so long to be so pointless and fruitless in the long run?

I honestly don't know how to explain my reasoning. So I understand why nobody understands.






I'm losing my train of thought really fast.

It's taken all my concentration just to spit this little vent out.

But it's slipping away again.

I'm glad I got something down, though.

It's probably just a combination of stress, depression and prolonged lack of sleep.

And I'm just so sick of having to be so fake.



Hummmmm.








Hey. I have two tickets to go see Nine Inch Nails and no one to go with.

I think imma cry. :'<