Posted

Sep 29th 2008

Mood

Overwhelmed

It started a week ago when dad saw me massaging my right hand and arm. I was doing that because I was getting numb around my little finger and some pain by my elbow, so I was rubbing that muscle which runes the length of the forarm. I've had that problem for a while now, where my right arm and fingers are tingly or numb for a moment.

Well, he's a massage therapist, and after I told him this, he said that was the beginning of carpal tunnel wrists.

Great.

But then today, when before I only got a little numbness, I ended up getting sharp pain shooting through the wrists.

So I ended up spending about 4 hours at work (which involves typing on that particular hand of course) trying to contain my freak-out and not cry, only to come home, ask dad to help me, only to get his mocking bullshit saying "yea that's what happens, you gotta think about this shit", rolling his eyes and walking away.

As if I did this on purpose, and was careless the entire time.

I don't hold my hands at an odd angle when typing, I don't twist my wrists when scanning groceries, I don't do anything repeatedly that typically causes this! The only thing I can think of is the way I sleep, because sometimes I curl up and my arms curl up too.

So on top of me being scared about this, I can't even get any help for it.

This just reaffirms why I don't ever talk to my parents about anything serious. I only feel like an idiot afterward.

I'm scared, I can't stop crying. I can't afford surgery, and both school and work involves typing with my right hand. I can't just not use my hand, I need it!

I always thought it was just my hand not getting enough circulation, because sometimes my fingers get cold along with the tingles. Once I massage and flex my arm and hand, it warms up and feels better.

I did the same earlier and I haven't felt anymore of those sharp pains, in the right arm at least. My feet gets them, but that's another matter...

I do not need a medical condition. I thought my lack of hearing was enough of one to deal with. I don't need another.
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On the side, there's that 700 million *GAG* bailout bullshit going on to only increase my worries.

As if that money is ever going to be spent wisely. I'm willing to bet that it's only going to help out the corporate fat asses, and not the people who actually need the money.

Save the money, let the fat asses suffer and actually get a LESSON, and instead use it to help those that are going to be hit the hardest with the economy breakdown, the lower classes.

I'm already getting hit with this bullshit, my paycheck isn't as large as it was before due to company switches and pay cuts. Now I'm going to get even less out of my already meager check from the taxes.

And if we are truly headed for another depression, or at least a severe rescession, then I'm probably going to get laid off period.

And of course, there wouldn't be a chance of me finishing college and actually getting a job in zoology. What good is a zoologist in a depression? Who the hell is going to pay for one? That job is certainly not needed.

I don't know what to do. Half of it seems unreal, like a movie, and half is too real, too close to home.

I can't stay at home forever. My parents aren't going to tolerate that, and I don't think what's left of my brain cells is going to tolerate that either, lest I become a manic serial killer. So I need to get an actual career.....but I don't know what else I would actually work at.

I'd die if I was in a cubicle.