Posted

Aug 8th 2008

Mood

Guilty

Music

Garbage - I think I'm paranoid

At the end of every chapter, at the start of every sentence, my selfishness explodes to pieces on my dearest of the dearest, those who try to understand me with no success. Poor expression ability, poor self-trust, and the panic that when I'm getting into it I cannot see the reality as it is. So I close myself, inside myself, hoping that no one will ever know. I'm not scared of being rejected for my looks, my personality, my actions, my love. I'm scared of rejection for sadness, for misunderstandings and lack of support. The expectation for something that I shouldn't have by my side. People around me have given me so much and I feel like I haven't returned a bit of myself to whatever person. Sometimes I cry knowing that some had their best times before I came along.
The euphoria and denial are part of my regular normal life. When I feel bad I shut myself, and I haven't felt so vulnerable in a long time. Just like under your hammer of mercy waiting to hit me. And you, so good, so different, so much more than I am. I want to make you happy, to give you all the happiness in the world, but no matter how much I try to forget my fucking past comes to my mind rolling pictures over and over and over. When we're close together I close my eyes and feel safe. And then a minute later I'm off, wandering to where it hurts the most. I didn't want you to see my weaker side. I was so scared that you're just like everybody else- and you are not, and I should've believed you. My suspicious self is playing with you, and nobody likes these kind of games.
Trust issues are a problem you cannot deny. I try hard to make it work, make us work, but with no success. People are lying on the ground stabbed with my invisible knife from everywhere I've been to and through. I hope I didn't ruin us, what we have. I pray and beg for you to forgive me, for finding a place at your heart. I was just a stupid teenager, and I still am. I don't deserve a second chance, but for a moment as I lied in your arms I felt at the most safe place in the world. My own secret shelter. And it rips me apart to know that from this point I can only destroy.

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