Posted

Jul 10th 2008

Mood

Stressed

I think I've been having some anxiety attacks lately. There's just a lot of dreams where I'm in stressful (but not life or death) situations. Like the brake one, I'll be driving down a busy road or highway like in real life, but when I need to brake, no matter how much I push, the car just won't stop. It'll slow down, but I still get AWFUL close and finally stop just an inch or two away from the car in front. I end up waking just when this happens, or I switch over to something else.

Then there's the work dream, I'll be at work and I'm totally screwing up (I'm a cashier at a grocery store). I even laid on the floor and went to sleep one time!! I'm watching myself do this and going "wtf" and obviously I'm doing a horrible job and not doing what I KNOW I'm supposed to be doing. Similar thing with school and a dance recital once (I haven't done formal dance since I was 14) where I was not wearing any pants or being completely naked. I'd watch myself try to cover myself, but no ones around looking at me or anything odd. Weird.

So whenever these dreams pop up, I wake up tired and stressed as if it was all real. Ugh.

You know, an outsider would look at my life and think "hell this girl shouldn't be having ANY stress, she's so well off!" Well, yes, technically I am. I got a solid job and a roof over my head, as well as scholarships paying my way for this school year. I shouldn't be stressed out, right? I think it's a combo of family issues (I blame family the most)with worrying about the future and feeling bad about not being better at the jobs I do. I've gotten some warnings lately at my work, because I accidentally put in 62 cantaloupes on one person's order instead of just 2, and didn't notice it. I feel like I'm really trying, everything's going good and then I mess up on something simple like that, and then I feel like I'm not good enough. Ugh. The yearly review thing said I was only meeting expectations anyway, good enough but not outstanding or anything, so I just feel like blah. I wish I didn't care about stuff like this, since it's my "teen job", not my career or anything, but I do. Hate that feeling, I really do.

With family, it just doesn't seem fair. I feel like the black sheep if you will. I'm the oldest, so there's that responsibility and "being the first trail" issues, but then I see my siblings (who are all near the same age level, but I'm a huge jump away, 8 years separating me and the next oldest) getting away with mouthing off and back talk shit to mom and dad, but they just get a stern lecture or yelling, and get to go off to the playground or their friend's houses. Me, all I had to do was accidentally leave a big knife on the counter when I was 8 and I got the leather belt on my ass for that. Or when I was watching my sister, who was a baby at the time, play right before I was going to a friends house. I heard a noise and turned around to look at the TV, and my dad right there and then said "no friend's house" because I looked at the TV when I was supposed to be keeping my eyes on my sister.

What really sucks is that, they're not scared of mom and dad when they screw up and get yelled at, they just ignore them or be all "whatever" while the parents are red in the face. Me, I've been terrified until recently of them hitting me, so I didn't ever dare talk back. They tell me to clean something, I do it without saying anything otherwise. The sibs? They whine and moan if they gotta sweep for 5 friggin minutes, and it ends up taking them a half hour. Then they expect a break every five seconds. WHAT???!! YOU LITTLE SHITS ARE BARELY DOING ANYTHING!!! Meanwhile I'm cleaing the kitchen, dishes, bathroom, and mopping. Just tons of bullshit around this house. Don't even get me started on my brother's constant whining crap >< Ugh, every. single. friggin. day. of. my. life............

Yea, sure, and yet mom makes fun of my choice to never have kids. Gee, open your friggin eyes and look around, THERE'S the reason why! I don't wanna end up like YOU, drinking beer and martinis all the time and wanting to go to work rather than be in your own house with everyone else. Yea, fuck that, I'm not living that life. I'm having animals instead of kids, they're quieter and more pleasant.

At least I'm not so far gone that I'm on medication. I still have some strands of mental fiber intact. Though how much longer I cannot say.

Perhaps that's what butterfly represents. Anxiety. All that erratic fluttering certainly looks like it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And the spiders are now biting me. THE LITTLE FUCKERS ARE BITING ME IN MY SLEEP!!!!!

I had to wake up and deal with a sore leg all day around the bite, which turned into a mosquito like bump (but with 2 holes instead of one). The bump finally went down, but it's still sore.....

Obviously not a very venomous one, so I think it's either the yellow dude or the orbweaver. EITHER WAY IT'S CREEPY AS ALL HELL!!!