Posted

May 20th 2008

Mood

Happy

Music

I Wish, Skee Lo COVER by The Secret Handshake

So Im pretty much aaaamaazing. Been in a really really good mood for a while. Im sick, but its not stopping me from being happy. its amazing what this boy can do for me. I'm dreaming of a future, looking forward to it with him. I know Im still young, I mean 18 isnt exactly old. But that doesnt mean I cant love someone, it doesnt mean it CANT work, just means it'll be a LITTLE harder for us than for people that meet later in life. He's proposed to me. I didnt accept because he had no ring or plan, it wasnt romantic, and I wont take it seriously yet. We've only been together six months. Thats not long enough to know something that extravangant. Yes, I've thought about it. But that doesnt mean I KNOW I could do it. I know I wouldnt mind, that I would love to in fact, but that doesnt mean I've made up my mind. 18 is kinda young to make life altering decisions like this. Things change, people change, circumstances change... Things happen. You have to prepare yourself for those things before you make a decision like that. I love him, without doubt at all in my mind. But does that mean that I SHOULD spend my life with him? Im not really asking to get an answer for the simple fact that this is something I have to decide for myself. But its something to ponder. I have been a lot lately. I flirt a lot, and there is a part of me that doesnt mind him being my last first kiss, the only man I sleep with, the one I wake up to EVERY morning for the rest of my life. But then theres the young girl in me thats like "oooh, he's cute, wow, I wish I could hold his hand" things of the like. Not helping is the fact that I am a pathelogical flirt. To an extreme extent. He knows though. And I let him know if I like someone, or if I flirt enough to possibly put ideas into someone's head. IDK, I feel messed up but he knew who I was three years in advanced. He's watched me change drastically over the past three years and been there for me every step of the way. He's trying so hard to make up for the lying and get me to trust him again. Its hard though. Its difficult to put behind me that he could lie to me for THREE MONTHS straight and me not figure it out but at the end. It took me three months to figure out he was lying to me, who knows what else he could lie about? I've never been cheated on and I dont think he would do that but does anyone ever think that of their spouse? If he could lie about that what else could it possibly be next time? He lied to me about smoking, about drinking, about school, about court, FOR THREE MONTHS! He's promised to stop smoking though. And he never did it that often, I mean, Im around him all the time unless he's at school. I think I might know if he were smoking. Its a sort of potent smell. I dont MIND the drinking as long as its not around me and he's not being stupid. I just fear he will be. He's not exactly SAFE when he's sober who knows what he could do DRUNK with his idiot friends. I like Ry, his friend. But I mean, he's still reckless. I dont know. I dont know. I cant figure a thing out for myself, but I know I have to try to forgive him and trust him all over again. I mean, its a hard thing to gain in the first place with me much less gaining it BACK after losing it. Well, there is my rant if you read the entire thing Im proud of you lol.