Posted

Apr 29th 2008

Mario Kart Wii

Chances are you're so starved for half decent titles on your Wii that you'll buy just about anything. Now, before I go into this, let me start out by saying I -like- Mario Kart Wii. The graphics are pretty good for the most part - there's plenty of fun to be had and I'm sure mutliplayer will be a blast.

I've mostly attacked the single player campaign. And by campaign I mean the never ending torture fest of hoping the next god forsaken prix I finish unlocks a character to find out I'm rewarded with a new bike I'm never going to fucking use.

yay.

Let me first gripe about something I like to call the "1st place shit storm". They've added in so many "affect everyone in front of you" items that every time you make a lap it resets the items and SURE ENOUGH
Blue Shell!
Pow Block!
Lightning!
and maybe a red shell just for shiggles

I mean this wouldn't be so annoying if it didn't happen EVERY FUCKING TIME! It's gotten to the point where it really doesn't affect the race. Everyone is still in their respective order because the A.I. gets stupider down the line so everyone can have a nice fair match. So dumb shit 7th will always be dumb shit 7th and GOD DAMMIT YOU ARE GOING TO PAY THE FUCKING PRICE.

Plus the character models. It kind of looks like Gamecube graphics. I mean I guess I can understand why they did it. But we've lost fingers again. We have MITTENS! MITTENS I TELL YOU! They tried to mask it with a lot of "loom" - but sometimes it just looks downright bad.

Okay the Wii Wheel. Clever. If I didn't feel like a god damn tool every time I use it. It's a piece of plastic! Way to go! You just bought NOTHING! And I was dumb enough to get a 2nd one for $15 because I didn't want my friends to feel left out if I was playing with the wheel. Well GUESS WHAT - the gamecube control just so happens to actually be USER FRIENDLY! So guess which one I'm using? (( D'oh! ))

I like getting extra characters! I do! I promise! There are plenty to collect and it makes the game interesting! But it's like - oh boy! Dry Bones! He does NOTHING different than ANYONE ELSE! He's not faster - slower - whatever. It's TOAD but now he's a Dry Bones! Oh boy! - At least in smash brothers he would have a different move set maybe kinda okay not really shut up.

That being said I LOVE the new "tricks" feature you do. Press a button after a jump, do a trick, get a speed boost. This makes for probably the fastest Mario Kart -ever- and the most exciting. Unless it doesn't have any jumps. Then...you're playing shuffle board.

Oh speaking of levels without jumps. Did they go out of their way to bring back some of my most hated courses in the history of oh - I dunno- EVER. Oh boy GBA courses. That's great. Like finding out cancer is back! I was free! I was free - awwwww it's back just kidding. Damn. Everything about the GBA version was shit. Everything! And here's the courses in beautiful 3d! Oh boy! Now I can HATE this level in the 3rd dimension! YES.

BUT THE BIKES! Me love BIKES long time. That was a really cool feature they added. They behave a little different than the karts. And Wario has his bike so I'm satisfied. - and so does Rosalina for some reason. ¬.¬;

The Mini-turbos are really weird now. You don't activate them. The computer decides when and where it jolly well feels like giving you one or not. You see, after a certain amount of time "drifting" you get blue sparks coming out of the back of your tires. Normally you think this would be bad! But no! Now you're ready to let go and JET OFF! And if you're in a kart, if you have a really LONG DRIFT - maybe the computer will think you're worth it and give you red sparks! Ho hot shit you are FLYING now, bitcho!

So there's a lot of drifting and doing tricks to speed off.

Not that it fucking matters because you can be in 1st the whole god damn race with the "1st place shit storm" happens and now god damn 5th place has a red shell and you are ITEM LOCKED for about a minute while you teeter in and 8th place because Luigi is a GOD DAMN FAGGOT I HATE YOU.

Long story short if you liked the Mario kart games you will like this.

If you like fair racing games where skill actually fucking matters - you will hate this.

P.S....I don't even wanna touch their online feature because it's always crap. If it's as much crap as it is on SSBB it's crap. Dur hur hur register every single one of your friends. if they're busy or doing something else FUCK IT ALL TO HELL you'll never play with them now unless their on AIM. Unless you bug the piss out of them and sign on at the same time and by the GRACE OF GOD get something started it MIGHT work. MAYBE.