Posted

Apr 22nd 2008

Mood

Lonely

Love is quite the elusive thing. I actually had it ... many years ago. I was in love with someone and they were in love with me. Only, they didn't want to have children with me, not right then. I was in such a rush to have a baby ... that it clouded my judgment. I threw it away over a foolish decision ... I found many faults with the relationship, saying they were reason enough to end things ... and I stabbed him in his heart. I foolishly tried to love another, one who agreed to have children with me ... but never loved me. In killing the love I had from the one so true and dear to me, I had condemned myself to a loveless relationship. I cried myself to sleep many nights feeling ugly, unloved, and unimportant. I longed for the love I had that I hastily had discarded. The person I had tried to work things out with when having the children with him, told me he loved me ... but did not mean it. I loved the children without fail but I had to struggle to feel love for him without the support of a returned love.

I crushed his manly pride the day I decided to correct my mistake. He was quite angry with me but it's his own fault. I waited for so many years for him to make up his mind. "There is however a limit at which forbearance ceases to be a virtue."~Edmund Burke. It was selfish of him to think I would have waited forever. If perhaps I had used that patience in the prior relationship, I could have had it all! His only regret was since he's getting older it's going to be harder for him to find someone else. He didn't want to stay with me for love but because he didn't think he can find someone else! He's as stupid and foolish as I was! I am better than a dozen of the best women he could gather in a lifetime! I had boundless patience as well as skills in cooking, cleaning, child raising, and much much more. I'm talented and smart not to mention not half bad looking ... and he was too much of a pussy to actually cherish what had so freely come to him. He should have thanked the moon and stars that I gave up the perfect man to try to be with him. But no ... he is a fool as most men are. But I was the greater fool still for even trying it.

He made this mistake of asking me if I was going to hook up with any "Old Friends" recently. Meaning the man I loved prior to the disaster I jumped into. The idea sparked in my brain with such fever I couldn't control it ... I still love that man! Why did I give him up? It's no wonder I haven't felt anything spark up for the numerous suitors who vied for my attention ... I'm still in love with someone else after all these years.

What a shock to find that the love I had for him did not die during the tragicomedy I brought upon myself ... however his love had boiled down to that of a strong friendship. It was crushing to know that I may have ruined things for myself. But, like the head strong fool I'm known to be ... I went for it anyway. If I didn't try to make up for the pain I caused us both in the rash decisions years past I would regret it for the rest of my life ... thinking that maybe ... if I had ... if I hadn't. At least this way there's a chance for things to work themselves out, and if they don't I'll be proud that I made a good decisions by trying anyway.

I started simple ... just telling him I was sorry for the hole I ripped into his heart and soul so long ago. He was more upset that I brought it up than he was at the actual memory of my betrayal. He did admit that he still had feelings for me as well ... though he was quite unsure of them. That bit of information was all I needed to hear. Perhaps ... that elusive thing known as love will actually be possible for me after all.