Posted

Apr 14th 2008

Mood

Lazy

Music

Saves The Day - diseased

Somehow, when I finally get to the page I can't write all those things that have been said before inside my head.
I'm just worried about the acceptance and appreciation for this. And this probably happens to all of us, most of us, or at least I want to believe it goes at the direction.
In the end of every paragraph I erase it and decide to keep it for myself, and not because I actually want to, it's the fear of how things will look like. But I can sum every paragraph to two words – nonsense bullshit.

I'm think about how and where to start. Questions are so over-dramatic they're out of the question. Almost like a ban, of the fear and worries, that recently flooding me for no certain reason. Everything happens like it should and I'm not afraid to fall apart at the very moment. More than that I want to fall, to have a reason if only one to see myself from a different side.
When the time comes and you get anything you want anything turns unimportant and worthless, but I'm trying not to show it on the outside and care for people. Kind of hypocrisy, not from hatred to a person, more like caring when I don't really feel that way. You can all go to hell while I'll stay at my empty house. I have the feeling like my privacy was stolen, but then it actually never was there or mine.

Right now I'm too lazy to even think about my own good and some other things that should be buried somewhere in the corner. I need to make some progress with my life, or at least I think I should, because the truth is that I don't have the power to move forward and evolve and learn. I need to start doing some community service; I need to get a license, need need and need. I've lost my will, my wants were taken away from me and I had let it happen. I'm drowning in the pool of my own self misery. Perhaps it's not the right; it's the pathetic life I've been building. I want you to be happy for all the insults and the things that happened and I hadn't believed. You wanted it so take it, and still you're not laughing. And when will you finally let me be alone without the thought.
A mind shouldn't have developed this way. We shouldn't have known how to communicate, nothing but our instincts.
I can't say I was afraid it'd come to this, when this is what I wanted, to continue drown and fall into the ground with the nothing I've created or left, depends on the way we want to look at this today. I'm afraid I ruined the progress, that one day I'll find this as a waste of time, although it already is a waste. This abuse of life when there is at least one person who would switch his life with mine. And obviously not for who I am, but for what I have. Nobody wants to be you for who you are. Nobody loves you for who you are, only for what you've got. If you can even call it love. They love what you have, not you. And they'd kill you and switch place if it was moral or they had the guts.
I'm sick of the suppression that I've been taught. When you have a bad thought you immediately need to delete it. But what is a bad thought? The society built ideals that have and should be followed. And when you think another way you have to banish the thoughts because it's against the ideals. And even more, society now days decides what's good and bad for you, like they know what's going on inside my head.
The freedom of speech is always there, of course, but it's a very hazy issue which everyone has their own way to explain. The freedom of speech is, in my opinion, your right to give an opinion without hurting someone. The freedom of speech in ethic-codes is to agree with society, and no other opinion will be accepted.

Too much to get off my chest.
Speaking gives you the power to breathe again, and all those obvious things.

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