- Posted
- Mar 31st 2008
- Mood
- ALIVE!
- Music
- Massive Attack - Teardrops
ehm.. alright.
hard to type this because I'm being a victim of awful flashbacks.
So.. being home failed completely.
I'm not at all ready for life or anything the likes..
The first day I abused my body by drinking as much as my lil stomache could take.. ah the breakdown was awful but well deserved. fell asleep naked with a bucket on my head.
the next day.. I went outside on my own.. and just walked.
Walked for so long through paths I did not know.. just walking.
I ended up at Alma's place
Lucky me.
Eh.. let's skip some details and let's go straight to where things got fucked..
I took 15 sleeping pills.
Oh fuck I had no idea what was real anymore. Alma lay right next to me in bed.. but she wasn't there. She was talking to me and she left.. and I went barefooted through the bigass building to find her. For the whole night. I kept seeing people I knew I couldn't realise it made no sense for them to be there.
Alma kept flashing infront of me here and there but was gone again then.. I lost my stuff on the floor and it sunk into the stairs. I was desperately trying to get them out..
I don't know if anyone saw me.. it must've looked fucking creepy.
I saw so much, witnessed so much only to then get found by alma when the sun came up who made me realise what the fuck truely was happening. It's still hard to believe. it would be easier if I knew it was only a dream.. but I was actually gone, I dressed up completely and walked aimlessly through the building followed by visions that affected all my senses.
I keep having flashbacks.. I went to clinic this morning.. checked everything and am home now to pack my things again.
So here we go.
I still failed the real life. and I couldve died.
My luck I didn't get on a horror and saw alma lying somewhere dead. I was pretty suicidal at that time anyways, but I had a task to complete. Had to rescue her after all..
heh.. I suck.
Just wanted to say that I won't be back before a long time again.
I'm silly.
Gerkinman Says:
*holds you close*
:(
Psi43 Says:
I don't get why almost everybody's like "poor sqeezy" when you deserve everything you did. You drunk and had a broke down, you took the 15 sleeping pills, I remember that time when you wrote a journal about buying drugs and getting mugged. I mean seriously why the fuck do you do that. I read most of your journals but never commented cause I thought you've been through enough already but it's all your own doing. Warum hörst du nicht endlich mal auf Drogen zu nehmen, zu trinken und was auch immer. Das tut dir nicht gut, du merkst das selbst und machst trotzdem weiter. Das ist zwar ein Teufelskreis aber da kann man leicht wider rauskommen. Ich weiß nicht ob das wirklich so ist, aber ich schätze du tust das weil es dir scheiße geht und weil du das tust, geht es dir scheiße. If you'd just stop doing that shit, you'd feel a lot better and wouldn't have any need for drugs (legal or illegal, doesn't matter) anymore.
But oh well, I am awaiting a lot of "You just don't understand" replies from various people.
DuckDuckSheep Says:
ja psi hat recht, irgendwie wirds gay
Arturo Says:
I haven´t known you, but I know your work; instead of getting too drunk I´d suggest you do the thing people have been watching you, your art. You have a unique kind of art, showing that strange psyche you have which makes the art so appealing. You can look at yourself as in deep trouble or take full advantage of your situation. I hope you do the best for yourself and keep yourself busy without worrying of yourself.
By the way, you say you can´t get the euphoria feeling easily...did you feel euphoria once you finished a movie or got chosen as a winner for pico day?
LAEluu Says:
Silly, but that's okay. (: At least you didn't do something to fatal, neh neh?
Spacewalk Says:
that's fucked up right there