Posted

Jan 18th 2008

Mood

Lonely

Music

Story Of The Year - until the day I die

The world loves me when I'm down, sucking the bones. The world loves me when I hurt and scream. The world loves my blood and my tears. No one wants to see me happy, not anymore, anyway.

Let's call it an escape. My Buddha, my little paradise, my little sunshine over the dropping tears. No rainbows without cries right? The sun won't shine for me tomorrow. I'm drowning in the emptiness of absolutely nothing. Nothing to be sad about really. I'll try and keep my feelings locked for some time. I'll wait for you, until...

Until then. Only then. And won't you say my name, and won't you touch my hand, and won't you just smile for a while, for me. You are my rainbow, making me both happy and sad at once. Making me feel the colors that I've been secretly keeping to myself. You hurt me on the inside only and it wants to come out. How can I even say you hurt me when it doesn't show on my body?
It's for you, all for you. But the pain remains mine.

I'm having some hard time at this point of life. Is it even considered a point? I'm only 18, what the fuck do I know about life. Who the fuck am I to open my mouth and speak. No one. And I'll keep it to myself because the words don't find their way through the thick air. Only through a virtual surreal world which I didn't even create. It isn't mine. My only escape cannot be called mine. Then it isn't an escape, or is it?
Put me into a use. Automate me. You click me manual and put me on a stand by so I can see everything and won't be able to block it out of my sight.
The world loves me when I'm low licking their feet.

So shall I call it a temporary break, until I fix myself. Until the doctors will let me leave again. Until I have another job and another name at another life. I can't even get a license, you know. Because I'm a "threat to my surroundings". Because I need more pills and more non-stop headaches and wounds, because the doctors love their money. I can tell, my mom is one. Not in the psych' business though. But she gets money and she would make love to it if she could. That was always her way to make us happy, buy our happiness.
I never asked for anything, I usually don't because I feel so guilty for it. It disgusts me. My stained hands over their pure money. I didn't gain it myself and didn't work for it therefore I don't deserve it. Fair enough, in my opinion.

The phone rings again, I know it's not you. You won't call me and that's not really what bothers me.
What bothers me is the fact that almost a week ago I told you I like you so and you told me that I'd had no idea how you'd been longing to hear it. That, and that you like me a lot. With your flirting admiring way, and I fell for it. And I hope you're happy because I fell for you on the way. Second time. Can you see this? The second time!
Silly me, you don't have the time to read. In fact, you don't have the time to pay attention to me at all since you "admitted in crime". I thought you liked me, and I know not a lot. I didn't believe you because no one can love me. But only a bit. You made me happy, for a long time that I haven't been.
It's your lies that won't let me sleep without dreaming of you. And you told me that you dreamt about me too, what a lie. And how could I be so naive to think it's true. The truth is that right now some girl who probably looks worse than me is sucking your dick and swallows. Because I don't swallow and that's not good enough.
I only swallow the misery. I don't want your semen with it. Because I love the taste of pain.

So for the end of the confessions: I'm an addict. No drugs or alcohol, not even you. Just an addict to the red lines and edges. Hiding and scarring and laughing and pills over and over. I thought I got our of the cycle 2 years ago, but it comes back like a punch in the face, which I really need right now.
Pathetic. I let no one hurt me, but I want you to. Something to the world to see so they'll love me. Violence is their biggest love and my biggest fear.
Am I the only one to feel that when you love someone so much you want to choke him with your hands? Because the love is choking me, and I need, have to get it out.

I wanna live, I wanna love
but it's a long hard road out of hell.

You never said forever
could ever hurt like this.

MARYLIN MANSON - LONG HARD ROAD OUT OF HELL
Because I'd never thought he has good lyrics except for his covers.

And I'll keep on waiting for you, until...

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