Posted

Jul 11th 2007

For a while now my Mamaw has been fighting for her life against cancer. When she was first diagnosed the doctor told her something along the lines of, “We can’t cure it. Live your life to the fullest now. Don’t have any regrets.” She was about 68 at that time.

We all were shocked when we first got the news. Cause that news meant that she wouldn’t be living much longer. Even though she was dying though, my Mamaw lived her life as she had before. She relaxed on her sofa, she watched Fear Factor and Jerry Springer, she smoked her cigarettes, she went to the pool at her apartment complex, she cooked dinner, and she cherished the visits she got from her family.

As time passed she slowly became unable to what she could before. She had her good days and she had her bad days when it came to her health. Papaw wouldn’t let her clean up or cook much anything. She was admitted to the hospital a few times from her bad spells but she refused to stay in them. She never did like hospitals much.

One day when she got out of the hospital she had a really good day. So good that she was able to scuttle around more than usual. So, the moment she got out of the hospital, she grabbed her carpet cleaner and started scrubbing her carpets at home. She hated how dirty they looked. She didn’t feel too well afterwards and of course Papaw and Mom gave her a lecture about it but she didn’t care and the carpets finally looked cleaner so she was happy.

Time went by and soon she started falling down a lot more. She was having trouble supporting herself. She didn’t want a walker though. She hated those things. Not like that mattered much though because a couple weeks later she had to use one so she could stand up and move around. All she could really eat was pudding and stuff that Hospice was bringing over. Instant meal things.

After a while even the walker wasn’t helping out. She had to use a wheelchair now. She still forced my Papaw to bring her to the pool though so she could relax and read her books. Things were really going downhill.

Papaw had a great idea though. Mamaw’s 69th birthday had been coming upâ€"July 1stâ€"so he had the great idea of throwing her a final surprise birthday party.

It was one of the greatest ideas Papaw ever had. She came walking in from the back porch and stepped into the living room to see Papaw, Mom, Me, my brother, my uncle Buzzyâ€"her sonâ€"and his two kids along with a cake, balloons, and a beautiful flower vase with flowers inside.

She cried and kept hugging else and telling us thank you. She managed to eat some of the cake. She loved her presents and the balloons. Mom took old pictures and made a slideshow that Papaw could set as the screensaver of his computer. We all even went to the pool though I didn’t have a swimsuit or a change of clothing so I just jumped in and later on soaked the seats in our van.

When my mom called Mamaw into the back room so she could show her the screensaver my Mamaw did something that made me laugh so hard. She was getting out of her seat and she was having a good day so she could use her walker and my brother Bobby walked over to see if he could help her out. She, of course, waved away his help but what she did still brings a smile to my face.

Mamaw: *grins and looks to Bobby* You wanna drag?
Bobby: *blinks in confusion* Huh?
Mamaw: *shoves her walker forward a bit* I’ll race you to the bedroom. You can eat my dust.

Drag races with walkers. I really want to be a person like her when I get older.

It was a really good thing we had that party when we did. My Papaw was telling me a couple days ago about why he brought her to the Hospice hospital place. Mamaw was in horrible pain. She was crying and holding onto my Papaw and yelling, “Bob, help me! Bob! Help me, Bob!”

That…it really hurt. Papaw was crying because there wasn’t anything he could do for her. She was asking him for him to save her and really he couldn’t do anything.

Papaw called mom and told her what happened. Mom told us.

Yesterday we got a call around 10:35 AM from Papaw. He told mom that if we wanted to see Mamaw then we’d better get up there. She was in her final throes. Mom sped by home so Bobby could shower and so she could pick me up. It was about an hour drive to where Mamaw was.

We got another call about ten minutes later as we were planning on heading out the door.

On July 10, 2007 at 10:48 AM, Mamaw passed away.

It hurt. It hurt a lot. I couldn’t hear the conversation directly but I was in the living room getting my shoes on. Mom answered the phone and there was silence then next thing I knew she was collapsed against the wall and sobbing, screaming “Oh god! I didn’t make it in time! I didn’t make it in time! Oh my god! I didn’t get to see her!” It wasn’t that hard to figure out what happened.

We still went. Of course we still went. It was a quiet ride except for the occasional sob. I think I may have been in some sort of shock or denial though. I was the only one not crying. It didn’t look like I would be crying. My voice was smooth and calm. I hated it.

We got to the hospice place about an hour later. I was scared to enter the room. Mom went in immediately with my Papaw and cried. Bobby couldn’t go in. He couldn’t bring himself to go in and we completely understood and it hurt so much seeing everyone hurt like that. I followed in a few seconds after mom. Even when I saw Mamaw in the bed, not moving, not breathing, not opening her eyes, I still didn’t cry. I watched as Mom, Uncle Buzzy and Papaw cried.

Papaw told us about the final moments she had been alive. She had been lying in the bed, in great pain, but forcing herself to stay alive until someone got there. She was waiting for someone to show up to be there with her. She was waiting for her family. A little while later my Uncle Buzzy showed up and so did my Papaw. She tried murmuring something but she couldn’t say anything. She had been waiting for someone to come for her.

Mom cried really hard when she heard that. She really wanted to be there but she was glad that at least one of her kids had been there. Mom was really beating herself up about not getting there in time.

A man from hospice came in so we could all say a prayer for her. Bobby came in the room but he couldn’t bring himself to look at her. I wanted to curl up in a corner. I’d never seen my brother like that before. Dad was even crying. We all bowed out heads and said the prayer. My eyes started watering at the point. Afterwards the only people in the room were me, Mom, and Papaw.

Papaw was hugging her and crying and saying “I can’t let her go Robin! I can’t let her go!” to my mom. I was trying not to have a breakdown at this point. A couple moments later Papaw leaned away from Mamaw’s body a little. His voice was so broken. It really killed me to hear everyone so damaged and I think that’s when things finally seeped into my brain.

Papaw started crying again. “I’m gonna let her go, Robin. I’m gonna let you go now, Myrna. I’m gonna let you go.” Hearing that…

I think that’s when I finally started crying. I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t want to hear that she was dead. That’s when it finally sunk in though. Mamaw was gone and Papaw was crying and he was letting her go because that’s what was best. He wanted her to rest in peace so he was gonna let go. Mom helped Papaw out of the room. I was in there alone with Mamaw. I said my goodbyes there.

There was so much to thank her for doing for me. So much I wanted to say but didn’t know how. Even though she wasn’t there to listen it felt like she was still there in the room. I told her how much I loved her, how much I still love her. I thanked her for a few things and gave her a hug and a kiss. I know how much she used to whack me on the arm for messing up her hair and ‘stirring up her cooties’ so I ‘tweaked her shanks’ for a moment.

There was a lot I wanted to say though none of it could reach my mouth. I cried and held her for a moment before I also let go. Dad helped me out of the room even though I really didn’t want to leave. Mom said her goodbyes. Papaw said his goodbyes.

It really tore at me when we went back to Papaw’s house. There was no Mamaw but her things were still spread around on her couch. The blanket she always used, her glasses, her cigarettes, her books, her hairbrush. All of it. It had hurt so much.

Even now as I sit here and type this it hurts. I found the nightgown she had given me a while back and I’m wearing it now. It used to be hers and she used to wear it but it got to be too big for her. It smells like her house and her hair no matter how many times we wash it. I’m also sitting here with the large bear she gave special to me. Joc Penne. He also smells like her house.

I miss her so much. I sit here crying as I type up this memory, surrounded by things that make me think of her. Mom and Bobby decided to stay with Papaw at his house tonight. Me and Dad went home. Just like how Bobby couldn’t stand to see Mamaw the way she was, I couldn’t stand being in that house the way it was. There was no Mamaw in it. And you could really tell.

It still hasn’t really fully sunk in that she’s gone. I still find myself thinking of visiting her this summer and her seeing me when I graduate high school.

This really hurts but I’ll continue on as I know she’d want me to. I’ll keep drawing because she always wanted me to. I’ll continue to write stories because she was so proud of the things I would write for/about her. I want to live as a better person so that she can watch over me and be proud of who I’ve become. I’ll strive to be like that with my Mamaw’s strong will to guide me.

I loved her. I still love her. May she rest in peace and no longer be in such great pain.


Rest in Peace Mamaw
July 1, 1938 â€" July 10, 2007

Thank you for reading this. It means a lot to me.