Posted

Jun 27th 2007

Mood

Hurt

I'm sorry about not answering you messages and commenting your pics lately.. I wanted to be active here but..

Well, let me just copy the text I wrote on dA..

"I feel pretty selfish about being depressed all the time and writing it here so you watchers have to get that journal inbox thing.. But I seriously don't have anyone to talk with IRL. I don't want to make my parents worry, and my other two friends [yeah, I only have two friends. so what?] have other things to worry about.. I'm also thinking that we aren't that good friends anymore.. They hang out more and more with a girl who seem to dislike me.. I suppose she's more fun than I am... Well I was feeling pretty pissed off right now becuse I have an art block, so I can't draw anything.. And I was wandering around my house to try to find something to do so I won't have to think about how much I want to improve, but can't... And so my friend calls, and I get my hopes up and think she's maybe calling to ask me if I want to do something.. But NO, she tells me that when she and -fggf- [the girl who doesn't seem to like me] was with my other friend and swam in a lake, they noticed some scars on her wrist. OH GOOD NEWS. she started cutting herself again.. That makes me feel so much better.. [my friend is having problem with her family, so actually it's her you should feel sorry for, not me. I don't have any problems I'm just hopeless and feels depressed over small things because there's nothing that cheers me up.] And then she told me that she and -fggf- [the girl who doesn't seem to like me] will try to talk with her, because THEY know her so well and she'll probably talk to THEM because she feel comfortable around them. And that's all. She hung up and wtf am I supposed to do. I care about my other friend too, but it seems like I don't know her to well [?!?!] to be able to talk to her.



EDIT: I'M AN IDIOT. PLEASE SOMEONE JUST HIT ME. T__T [OK, SO THIS HAPPEND TODAY, LIKE TWO HOURS AGO.]

I actually made my friend admit that the other friend didn't like me as much as her and the girl who doesn't like me.

So, my friend talked to my other friend about.. you know.. It went well.
Msn:

Me:
I also want to talk to her.. But I think you and -fgf- are better friends to her than me.
[... okay. I wrote that so she could say 'Nooo, she surely likes you as much as us others!']

And she answers:
Yeah.. You're right.. And don't talk about it or ask her stuff because she said she thought it was uncomfortable to talk about..


... I have myself to blame, but that wasn't the answer I wanted... Really..

Ok, if you read all that, you can easily tell I'm a moron and an idiot. Yes, I get sad easily.

sometimes I wonder why I even care to wake up in the morning.. >__>;"


I don't really know if it's a thing you would get sad about.. But theese two friends are my only IRL friends.. And they mean alot to me.. I just feel like shit right now.. My eyes dried out about 10 minutes ago and I've cried almost non-stop since she said that.. I hid my face when my mom came and said good night because I didn't want her to worry.. I tried to show my friend that I was sad, but she kept going on about how fun it'll be tomorrow when she and her and the other friend and "-fgf-" are going shopping.. And I just sit and wonder why she tells me this. She often talks about how fun they have together.. And they upload pics and comment them on a swedish photo site.. They asked for me to be a member there a time ago.. I agreed.. But I deleted my account today.. It only made me feel worse when they write 'I WUFF THESE PEOPLE: -insert names here-' and I wasn't there. I know I can't decide who they should like or not, and I know that I'm jealous.. But I too need them to think about me as such a good friend as I think about them..

I should stop now.. This only makes me more of a fool than I already are..