Posted

Mar 15th 2007

Mood

Anxious

I'm at my limit.

I've tied a knot and I'm holding on, but it seems my grip is slipping.. along with what's left of my sanity.

I hate my job.

I can say it today without a single bit of untruth in my heart. With every fiber of my being I hate my job. My co-worker has driven me in truly mad in only one year. I'd rather pull my hair out then go to work. I can't do anything while I'm home. I can't even watch TV without pacing the floors.

The only place in my town I WANT to work. The place that I would truly consider my DREAM JOB is closed do to a leaky basement and with the way things move around here.

Well the sign in the window that reads "closed till further notices" will rot off the window before it reopens again. So there goes what little hope I did have in this town.

There isn't anything for me here. No job. No friends (they all got the great idea to move out of this shallow grave of a town). No future.

I wanna stay. I love this town. And I love my family. I love being able to walk into stores and have people know me, and being ale to drive down to the beach and talk a walk when I want to. Having a huge back yard to walk around in, and a forest I can get lost in for hours. A place to store my junk and a barn to build things in.

I love this place but its killing me inside. (so lame I know buts its true)

The more I'm here the more I wanna run. I feel like one of those cages bears that's been in captivity so long it just sits there and sways back and forth all day.

I feel ready to crack my own skull open and gouge out my own brain in order to make the madness stop. I wanna do my own thing for a little while. Take this summer off and spend it on my crafts and artwork and projects and for me. I haven't spent a summer for me in almost 5 years.

Not along time.
Just a couple of months or so to unwind and start to enjoy life again.

Remind myself that life is still worth living.

Couse I'm past the point of simply venting my anger to others. I'm at the point where I wanna hit things/scream/throw things. I'm not a physically violent person but I'm getting closer to being just that.


But back to my job. Its not paying me enough for what I put up with. I love the hours, but its finical suicide. I'm not making any profit from my job. Other then a little more gas money my bills haven't changed in 3 years and I haven't increased my bank account by $100.00 yet!

If something happened and I was forced to get an apartment, I wouldn't be able to sustain myself for more then 6 months! "I'm living at home, and I can't make enough money to by myself what I want!

And I don't have a lot of new clothes, and I don't buy CD's. the only thing I wanna by are manga books but every one I want has to be ordered in! That can take up 3 months for a simply $10 book!

I'm not a big spender. But I can't get ahead in this job. I'm making less then 59hr per 2 weeks and I'm clearing less then $7.10per hour. I can go in early and stay late but my co-worker has the keys and I can't get another set from anyone. I have to work by her hours and I hate it.

I have to work in front of her, behind her and with her and I simply HATE her! She's deaf which doesn't bother me, but she's also slightly mentally retarded, backed up by lack of social upbringing. She's got no manners, nor common sense. And it's not her fault but that doesn't make her less of a pain in the ass to work with!

And with all this stuff there is my dad who just started kimo.

There's a noose around my neck and I'm half tempted to jump.