Posted

Feb 17th 2007

Mood

Sorry

I feels like she's been right beside me all day. Watching me and wanting to jump around and play. The first few hours after dropping her off at the vet are a little blurry I don't really remember much of how I got home other then having to wipe my eyes a lot and glad that no one could hear me scream in the truck. My jaw and throat hurt from screaming. My face and eyelids hurt from wiping them. Simply screaming for all I was worth. I came home and just lay on her bed and cried I never even shut the door I couldn't do anything. I couldn't talk to anyone. I feel so guilty.

I had to take care of her for 2 weeks and I barely made 7 days. I feel like a complete idiot. I mean how hard is it to keep a dog alive that long? Feed her play with her talk to her and love her. And I failed in all categories.

I can't stop crying. I've cried all day and I still can't stop. I couldn't even tell the vet to put her down. I had to call mom and dad in Mexico to tell him to call the vet to tell them to put her down. When I was getting her in the truck today I told her I was taking her to camp. I lied, I lied to her and I feel horrible. I know she wanted to go to camp. Dad takes her out there almost every day to feed the cat but I couldn't. I only took her once and today was gonna be another trip and I couldn't do it. I took her blankets and meds and collar and leash, and took her to the vet. I had faith until the end that she would make it, that there was something I could do for her, but there wasn't. I just couldn't. I couldn't hold on to her. Even after I mom called and told me sally was gone I still kind of couldn't believe she was dead. Even now I can't seem to understand it. She's always been there.

Right next to me in what ever I do no matter what happens. For 15 years she's been by my side no matter where I was in the house or outside or at camp, if I didn't see her I just called and she came running.

A few hours ago it felt like she was right here. For some reason it felt like she was standing right behind me again watching me, and I wasn't lonely. I just wasn't lonely. I put one of her blankets down on the floor where she use to sleep, and tosses some food in her dish and started talking to her. Just telling her how much I loved her and missed her and how it wasn't gonna be the same without her here and I'd find myself reaching out and scratching the air, and patting the nothing beside me. But it felt like she was right there. Even now that's its 1am the next day I still feel it. A little fainter then before but there. I can almost hear her toes tapping on the floor when she walked. I can hear it still. I can see her so clearly in my mind. Part of my mind keeps repeating to me that I need to go pick her up from the vet tomorrow and take her home. That she doesn't like the vet and wants to come sleep with me.

She wants to go for a walk around the island again. Its cold and snowy and if I did I'd be risking my life. But I told her to do ahead without me that I would be here when she came back and that maybe tomorrow we could go to camp and decide on a place for her to rest. I wanted to have her cremated but I would have to drive her to Winzer myself and back again and I can't do that. So the vet is holding her till next Friday and then when mom and dad get back we'll bury her at camp.

She loved it there. Its where she first learned to swim and run free of a cage. Chased rabbits and ducks, somehow evaded more porcupines that I can imagine without getting one quill. Chase the kayaks in the stream when they would run in the spring. Ya I think she would like to be there.

I can't sleep on my bed tonight. I'm sleeping on the couch again. I know she's not here but I wanna be closer to her. I want my baby back. I wanna take her home. I want her to forgive me for being a coward. For not bring her to the vet sooner. Taking better care of her. For lying to her. I can't stop crying. I just can't stop.

She's been a part of my life for 15 years. Sense I first came home from school and she tackled me to the ground when I was 8 years old. The runt of the littler. A tail longer then her body she eventually grew into. We got her Friday and she was to be put down Monday.

Mom and dad said they were gonna come home on the first flight they got but I told them to stay. They have to stay. I feel guilty enough for this as is. If they come home from their vacation it'll be worse.

I'm still crying. Screaming and crying.

I'm glad for the snow outside... if not for it muffling me then I'm sure my neighbors would have come running to see who died. Haha, fun joke isn't so funny when its true now is it?

Its 2am now its cold and I'm tired.. so tired and I wanna just close my eyes and sleep for a week and pretend nothing happened. I wanan pretend that Sally is at the camp with mom and dad for the night and that I'll see her when they get back.

I've eaten today. I wasn't hungry but I ate. After I didn't feel any different. Didn't feel hungry or full. I ate 12 strips of bacon, one egg, 2 toast, a dish and a half of strawberry ice-cream, a little lasagna. And part of a really bad chocolate cake. I just feel empty inside.

I still can't believe she's gone.

I want my baby back.

I wanna take her home!