Posted

Jan 11th 2007

Mood

Depressed

You ever do something and then even years later you find you're still thinking about it every day, and wishing you could do shit different? I did something I'm really regretting today. Something I thought I was getting over finally. But it looks like not. Let me explain best I can.....

Well growing up I was always the weird kid, and any guy I liked sure as hell didn't like me back. And those who did were either druggies, drinkers, or their parents were first cousins and they are noticeable inbred. So needless to say I didn't really try to find a BF while in high school.

Well about 2 years ago there was this summer with a whole bunch of friends that I rarely hung out with during school but after one or two adventures to various swimming holes and roundtrips, needless to say we were all good friends. And there was this one guy who I found attractive.. ok he was more then attractive he was down right HOT! Damn, he was built like Michelangelo's David, and he was smart, and funny, and kind, and not a druggy! And just too good to be true! Damn he was FINE!

And so I flirted with him, and he flirted back and back and forth over the summer... but then my dad was diagnosed with Leukemia, and that really kind of stressed me out. And I was working 7 days a week at a motel, and then my uncle died... and a million other reasons that popped up... needless to say stress was an issue...

But the thing is, I knew he liked me by the end of the summer.. and I didn't know what to think of it.. I mean every other guy that has ever liked me has something wrong with them, or I can't see them as anything more then fiends. So when it became very obvious he liked me back I pushed him away and stopped talking to him, or calling him altogether! It just freaked me out so bad that someone 'normal' would like me!

Well I never talked to him for a few months and I think that really hurt him, and I wanted to.. I don't know........ try again?. but then I saw him one day in the mall and he introduced me his new GF. And they looked so happy together, and it was kind of strange between us talking... and I thought I'd get over it... I mean it's not like we got anywhere, never even kissed, though I didn't give him the chance.... I feel so stupid. Couse I regret it. And even now I still miss him.

I saw him over the xmas holidays shopping with his GF and they were at the jewelry store, and that sent off alarm bells... well wedding bells actually. I haven't heard anything of the sort but I know they are living together. And I know they are happy. And I feel I have no right to say anything... and I don't... I mean I fucked up didn't I?

I'm the one who pushed him away, not the other way around. And when I saw them there I just hid and pretended I didn't see them. I don't know what I would say to him if I saw him. I though I would be over this by now but ... I don't know... it just seems like I'm stuck... and I know its cliché but I think about him every day in one way or another. I think about where I would be if we got together... if I would have a different job... if we would be married, or talking about it... If we would be living together... if I would be pregnant with his child... I think about this a lot more then I know I should but I can't help it.

I've never told anyone these things; this is the first time I've ever written it down. At first I was afraid someone I know would show him this but now I don't think that will happen. And if he does read this and know it's about him, then at least then I would have to tell him to his face. I have no right to do that. He's a great guy with a great girl and I have no right to mess that up....

But still..... if by some chance he becomes single again and the opportunity comes up. I'm going to tell it to his face what I feel and ask for a second chance if he's still got feelings for me. If I get a second chance I won't blow it.

But part of me doesn't think that will ever happen... and I just feel... like a loser...