Posted

Dec 10th 2006

Mood

Stressed

Seems like so many of my journals are triggered by unhappiness.
I suppose it's because when you're sad you feel like getting things off your chest or figuring out ways to fix the problem.
But when you're happy there's nothing to concentrate on except having fun, laughing, enjoying yourself, etc.
Makes sense....in most cases.
Perhaps it is indeed a solid factor but my reason for unhappiness and sad journals stems from quite a bit more.
I'm an unhappy child these days, eighteen, still a child, right?
Strange that once you turn eighteen you're still considered a child but only a certain things.
People expect you to be able to live on your own without a second thought, yet, apparently, you're still too young to understand your own feelings and know what you're doing.
*chuckles*
Why don't I just start from the beginning and make this an extremely long journal?
Not sure how many of you will read this, doubt anybody will.
The one person I know who will, I'd rather didn't.
Actually, I know one person who reads my journals but you never respond to them now do you?
*hugs* It's okay, you're still my negro.

Once upon a time...

I grew up in Whittier, California.
Used to be a quaker town from what I've been told and for a while, was very upscale.
Things changed a few years after I was born though.
Gangs started moving in, pricy shops left and made room for the ninety-nine cents stores.
Nice restaurants, hotels, facilities in general, they all left because the place was becoming such a mess.
It brought a lot of bad to the city and only got worse overtime.
Orange Drive., the stree I grew up in.
An old spanish style house, built in 1936.
Was covered in stucco (coral colored), shingled roof (brick), flower garden in the front, large iron gates leading to the back, a nice patio, beautiful inside, it was a hell of a house.
Definitely wasn't in my taste though.
Grew up there for the first seven or so years of my life.
Father; Mark Zarate
Mother; Cindy Zarate (Alvers)
Brother, Diego Zarate, was born the November after I turned seven.
Had a large family though it all came from my father's side since they were all in range of Whittier.
My mother's side of the family lives all over the USA and other parts of the world.
So we spent a lot of time doing things with;

Nana Lupe - My grandmother, father's mother.
(this woman was an emotional wreck, she constantly worried about getting old and so she wasted most of her & her husband's money on plastic surgery and creams. Same woman who said my father was too fat yet she also said he didn't eat enough. She was still in love with her ex-love and only married my grandfather to make her ex jealous. She always craved attention and expected everybody to bow to her feet. She was never the bad guy, she never did anything wrong, in her own mind at least.)

Papa Manuel - My grandfather, father's father.
(this man was the only person on my dad's side of the family who I truly felt sorry for. He was a musician before he met Lupe. One day his band got a record deal and were asked to tour the USA. Lupe told him that if he went through with it she would break up with him and go to her ex....so he declined the deal. At his old age he developed alzeimers, Lupe refused to take care of him and constantly told him that he was faking it. He died recently)

Nina Rosemary - Aunt, father's sister.
(this woman is a child therapist and believes that everybody is mentally ill and that she is the only sane person on the planet. She is the "retarded population's savior" so she said. Did I mention she was a pill popper?)

Uncle Al - Rosemary's husband.
(Brain surgeon, pedofile)

Cousin Elena - Rosemary's daughter.
(prima donna, if she didn't get her way she wouldn't threaten her parents with suicide)

Cousin Damien - Rosemary's son.
(depression, attempts at suicide, drugs)

Tio Ruben - Uncle, father's brother.
(carpenter and one of my mom's closest friends, well...he was)

Tia Chivella - Ruben's wife.
(*sighs* I miss her, she kept the family together, she died when I was young, amazing woman)

Uncle Eddie - Father's brother.
(mentally ill, depression, lives with Lupe still, he's in his late 30s. He' waiting for her to die so he can inherent her house and money)

Michael - Eddie's eldest son.
Matthew - Eddie's youngest son.
(these two...yeah)

Kathleen - Cousin
(I was closest to her, she brought me to my first concert, introduced me into a lot of music, took me places, had fun with me, loved being around me...why did it have to come to what it did?)

Since I'm tired I'll not go into detail about the following people;

Ken - Linda's husband
Linda - Cousin, Ruben and Chivella's daughter
Mellissa - Ken and Linda's eldest daughter
Denise - Ken and Linda's middle daughter
Danielle - Ken and Linda's youngest daughter
Meem's - Aunt, Al's sister
Alex - Father's first cousin, Kathleen's uncle
Ernie - Kathleen's father
Sylvia - Kathleen's mother
When it came to my mother's side of the family, they weren't around much.
We were always very close to my mother's sister (Aunt Linda) and my mother's mother (Maw-Maw), they reside in New York City.

Funny how I remember more of my father when I was young and not my mother.
She was so much different before he died....
In a nutshell my father;

Drank
Smoked packs a day
Sold drugs
Constantly abused me (more verbally than physically)

I was a very hyper child.
Very independent, very outspoken, very happy, very stubborn and bullheaded.
I had a lot of friends in my neighborhood.
Ryan down the street, Torin next door, Justin further down the street.
So people had a handful with me, my father thought something was wrong with me.
He convinced my mom to send me to a hospital for mentally ill children.
The hospital said nothing was wrong with me but my dad thought otherwise.
The hospital said to my father;

"There's nothing wrong with your son so the insurance won't pay any further. Now what we can do is make up a disease so they will keep paying and then we can keep him here longer if he's too much to handle"

My father's response; "Yeah, we need to do that"

Luckily my mom butted in and said otherwise.
During that time all I heard from my father was how much of brat I was, how awful I was, how I wasn't smart, how I wasn't strong, how I was stupid, he yelled at me for everything I did, was always irritated with me, never spent time with me, never told me he loved me, never apologized for anything he did to me and at one point in my life (once he moved out) called me a mistake and that my mother and him never wanted to have me.
After the hospital incident they decided to send me to several therapists.
I was an angry child at this point, if you can't see why, then maybe I'm just crazy.
Every therapist I went to said I was perfectly alright but my mother and father decided to continue my sessions.
I was constantly medicated.
It got to a point where I thought maybe I was a retarded kid, that I was mentally unstable so I just went along with it because deep down I thought my parents still loved me.

After the therapists didn't work my parents sent me to a school for mentally retarded children, for 4th grade.

Almansor Center.

Where my teacher also told my parents; "There iis nothing wrong with Weston. He's a stubborn kid, he's independent, he doesn't like to follow rules, he's a rebel, he's smart but doesn't like to show it but he isn't mentally retarded."
Father disagreed.
They kept me there for the rest of 4th grade.
Met my first girlfriend there though!
A sweet and quiet black girl by the name of Chelsie.
Apparently her problem was she was manic depressive (at such a young age, sad).
We actually knew we were together too, it was cute.
We'd always hold hands, kiss, hug, sit with each other at lunch, talk.
She had to leave towards the end of the school year, at the time I was sick, I got back, she was gone.
Also by the end of the year...my father moved out of the house and into his friend Brian's house.

I'd go over for vists all the time, where it was the same routine; bashing me verbally, smacking me around, constanly being angry and never wanting to deal with me.

One time my brother was playing with Brian's dog.
Dad told him to stop, he didn't.
Dad went up to Diego and smack him so hard across the head that he flew a feet across the floor.

Another time Diego came and jumped on my stomach when I was sleeping.
I woke up suddenly and told him to get off.
He said no and wrapped his arms around me.
Dad comes into room, tells Diego to get off me, says I was molesting Diego, beats the shit out of me with a belt and tells me I should be back on medication.

By the end of 5th grade (in a normal public school) my father died in the hospital.
His death came out of ignorance.
One of the times I was staying at his house he began to start shaking violently.
He had me call 911.
Doctor came and told him nothing was wrong.
Turns out though his appendix burst and three days after I had to call 911 he finally was dragged to the hospital by the women he was having an affair with.
He had to have surgery on his intestines (got most of it removed) because the acid from his appendix was eating it away.
He had to have a bag connected to his belly button for several months in order to use the restroom.
When it came time for his final surgery (having his intestines connected back together) he died right after.
Without an apology.
Without an I love you.
Without anything, he died on me.

This is getting long, here's the nutshell for up until now;

I believe I was molested by Ryan's father but have blacked it out for years.
After father's death Lupe sued my mother for custody of Diego and me because my mom wouldn't hand over all my father's money to her.
Kathleen helped Lupe spy on my family, telling them where we were going, what we were doing, who we were with.
Tio showed up in court with Lupe and Rosemary.
Rosemary helped pay for all of it.
The judge laughed in Lupe's face and told her she was nuts.
We had to move because they got out of control.
Most of my friends betrayed me, disliked me, used me for money, stole from me or abused me physically and mentally.
I was harassed everyday (literally) from 5th-10th grade.
I had to watch my mother be betrayed as well.
People used her for money all the time.
Friends backstabbed her.
Our neighbors actually sided my Lupe and helped them harass Diego, my mother and myself.
My mom gained a stalker who threatened to kill her.
I gained weight, people wouldn't talk to me.
Girls cringed (and still do) at my looks as I got older.
People in school constantly called me stupid, an oaf, a loser, a nobody, a mistake.
Constantly taken advantage of.
First love of my life (over a year ago now) cheated on me and lied to me constantly.

Fiance' has now given me a pretty basic ultimatum;
Move to Seattle or I might just breakdown and then leave you.
She almost did.
Makes me wonder what else she might do when stress finally gets to her.
I'm stressed right now if you can't tell.
So stressed that my stomach is churning, that I'm giving myself an ulcer.
I have no high school education.
I dropped because I couldn't handle the harassment.
I'm not very smart, don't even know my damned multiplication.
My vocabulary stinks.
I can't concentrated or remember things.
I'm bi-polar and possibly manic depressive.
I've no prior job experience.
I've never lived alone.
I just turned 18 in July.
I have serious problems that I need to get worked out but can't now.
I have not even the slightest hint of a self-esteem
I'm insecure, so insecure that I become oblivious and make awful mistakes, worry about awful things, make awful assumptions and become extremely paranoid
I have this habit where I tear the skin away from underneath my nails....I'm doing it right now!
Yet I'm expected to not be stressed or unhappy.
Honestly?
My life fucking sucks right now.
I barely have any friends and the ones I do have I can't trust.
My fiance' almost left me because I'm too much of a burden.
It used to be "I never will", now it's "Well there's a chance if things change" or "You're doing exactly what causes people to do so"
Everyone in my family is stressed so we're always fighting
I'm highly suicidal
I can't think straight
I'm in pain...can't anyone see that?!
Can't anyone see that I can't be happy or calm right now??
Why do you keep telling me to not stress when that's all YOU do?!
I'm losing my mind and no one is helping
I'm once again too much of a handful
So now all I've been thinking lately is;
"My father was right and I'm turning out to be just like him"
I wish I could fit every detail into this journal so everyone would understand...I wish....
And why is it the only person who understands is the person my fiance' wants me to avoid most??
I can't snap my fingers and be happy, it's not fair!

Why can't she understand that I'm happy with her?
That I love her...that I only make mistakes because of who I am
That I can't help it...
Just so stressed out but am expected to act better for everybody else's sake..
Need to stop, my fingers are bleeding