Posted

Oct 19th 2006

Mood

Depressed

Music

12-Aura[awakening]

Isn't it amazing how you can look at a picture of a person you'll never see again and you get suddenly depressed even if you were happy just a few moments ago? Well, that's what happens to me when I look at picture of a certain someone and myself or think of that person for too long. I don't understand it at all. Being in love with a memory will get me no where. Not to mention how I don't understand why I need this person or even someone to replace him, like I need a guy to validate my existence or something. It bothers me so much. Then I'm stuck listening to sad love songs or just love songs in general and holding a personal pity party for myself. Then I write things like this and make myself feel even worse, yet I can't seem to keep myself from writing these things. It makes me feel selfish that I'm thinking only of myself when I'm sure there are many others just like me going through the same thing.

I've felt like this so many times in the past five years and now I can't seem to stop myself anymore, like this is a reflex. I wish I could stop loving him, I don't need to forget him but I do need to stop loving him. Or I could be happy if I could just see him just once a day even if he pretended I didn't exist like he has for so long. I want to try to find someone else to love but it feels so difficult. I feel like the same thing would just happen all over again and might not be worth it.

I'm sorry to anyone wasting their time reading this rubbish but I really just needed to write this down before I managed to get stuck in my usual spiral of being depressed over love.