Posted

Oct 7th 2006

Mood

Discouraged

Music

"Is It Real?" - The Seatbelts

Last night at around 7:15pm I left for the theater
Was feeling very self conscious beforehand
So I dressed in a long-sleeve shirt and my baggy jeans
Long-sleeve to prevent people from seeing my arms; fat, hairy, blemeshed
Baggy jeans to hide my oversized legs
Arrived with my step-father around 7:40pm
Was refreshing to get out of the Jeep and not feel a wave of humidity
The nights here have cooled off a great amount over the past few days
We head straight for the ticket seller, I stand a few feet behind and lean up against a pole in front of the theater entrance
Lots of teenagers pass me by
All of the ones I see at first are younger at me
I was spared the gawking eyes of teenage boys this time but not from the teenage girls
Several looked over at me with the same eyes I get from them whenever I go out
I know the look too well, I've been getting it for years now
Eventually they stopped staring and walked through into the entrance
My step-father comes over to me with the tickets and we walk inside

As we walk by concession he asks me;
"Hmm..do you want anything?"
"No, how could you? We just had dinner"
"You know me, I could eat anything but I feel like a drink"
So we walk over and stop a few feet back from the counter
There's a blonde woman next to us who seems to be waiting for her turn
One of the employees at the cashier call my step-father and I over
I turn my head to the blonde woman and my step-father asks the employee;
"She was next I thought" as he points to the woman
"No, no, come on" the employee exclaims to us
We walk up and I turn back to look at the blonde woman, she looks irritated
Her eyes roll and she lets out a long sigh
As my step-father orders a water I tell him;
"I think she was next man"
He turns around to look at her;
"I'm sorry, were you next??"
"*sigh* yeah but it's fine" she responds
"She was next you know" he tells the cashier
The cashier looks over at the woman and raises his eyebrow
"Dammit, I'm really sorry ma'am I thought they were next"

Rest of my night just consisted of seeing a fabulous horror movie
Then afterward eating at Wendy's and getting my mother some donuts
If you're a horror fan and haven't seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, then do so
It's a very basic plot and typical slashing but it's very well done

Mmmm...
I even got strange looks from the woman at Publix
Publix is a grocery store down here in South Carolina
The bagging woman looked to be around nineteen or twenty
When my step-father and I walked up she gave me the strangest looks
Looks of disgust, I just bowed my head and stared at the floor once I realized she was looking at me that way

Maybe it's because I'm fat or am I just plain ugly?
Tanya tells me I'm odd looking, that I don't look like everyone else
Also told me when I visited her that I'm not ugly but I'm not sure what to believe when it comes to my looks anymore
Standing out in the crowd and being considered "odd looking" is probably ugly
Though I'm sure being a 6'0 fat kid doesn't really help either
I probably remind them of Leatherface from the movie *sigh*
Just wish *somebody* would find me attractive
Somebody who could look at me in every aspect physically and not wince or say "Well I like everything *but*--"
Guess it'll never happen...
Diet pill train here I come!