Posted

Nov 25th 2004

Mood

Droopy

Heh. I'm drugged. Paxil. Uh... I really don't feel like myself.

I'm on my computer at my dads. I don't have Windows XP privledges to change things. I have a limited access on my own computer.

I'm taking a major risk, typing all of this right now, contacting peoples, knowing he, the very "eye in the sky" is watching my every move. though he said nothing about certain peoples, he still knows I talk to them. but still, I have to watch my back because the medication has yet to dull that sense!

I don't feel like myself and I'm afraid now of things humans would normall be afraid of. Ghosts for instance; I feel in my mind I wouldn't want to be in a building where ghost activity is present. any given time earlier in my life I would've given anything to be in such a place. I don't like how I'm changing and I hope its only because of this Paxil.

I feel so trapped wanting to talk to my dad about the one I love and I wish he would just understand and he's so skeptical about all kinds of things and he doesnt want to open his mind and hear MY SIDE OF THE STORY. maybe, since he's tracking everything I type and every program I run, he'll read this and maybe TRY AND UNDERSTAND ME MORE because I'm at my wits end. I'm at my wits end with almost everything deep inside, and the medication covers that up. I have no negative reaction to anything, it seems and I feel thats bad. because without my negative reaction, I can't set off problems to trigger the beginning of the solutions.

I knew that bad voice was there for a reason. medication is its chains. and I can feel him trying to break free.

I want to scream, but all that comes out is a laugh.

gah... not feeling too good...