Posted

Apr 22nd 2006

Mood

Depressed

Music

The Beatles - Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand

Is there something wrong with me? Well, I’m not sure how to answer that question. I’m not sure where this writing is going either, but I’m just writing to get things off my chest. Get my thoughts down somewhere I’ll be able to return to them later. I crave attention at the moment… I’m not sure if I do it a lot, I haven’t noticed it much until now. I guess I just feel neglected by the whole world. Maybe in some ways, I am neglected by the whole world but I don’t think I’ve had enough personal anguish to be able to claim that I have to crave the attention of others all the time. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if I’ll ever find love in the world. Every time I fall in love with someone, I never receive the same affection. All I get in return is an unintentional abundance of grief. I am ashamed to admit I bring most of it upon myself.

I feel like a bit of a psycho. Maybe it’s not that I crave attention, as much as I just would like someone to listen to me so I don’t feel ignored all the time. I don’t know. I just wish that maybe I could find someone who understands me. Someone new, someone that I don’t know… Other times, I just wish I didn’t have to push on through life. Sometimes I just wish I was deceased and that I could spend the rest of my days rotting six feet under not having to worry about a thing. I am so sick of affection and love… but I can’t escape it. I can’t stop it from consuming me; I can’t stop myself from falling into the web of self-mutilation and constant sorrow and pain.

“Why do I fall in love with every woman that shows me the least bit of attention?”

It’s not exactly normal to do this. I can’t believe it. I used to believe that it was pointless to deny your feelings because they will consume you. I still believe that, yet I find myself running from my emotions. I deny the way I really feel and I hide from myself. I’ve been running from myself for so long and I don’t know if I will ever stop.

“Tramps like us, maybe we were born to run.”

There are so many things I think I understand that I really don’t. I’m a deeply insecure individual and I bury all my true feelings by trying to help other people through their own problems some of the time. I try to make people laugh and cheer them up when they’re feeling blue… and then other times, I use that same power, the power of laughter, against those same people. I really need to figure out what drives my destructive nature and possibly dismantle it before I end up destroying myself. These feelings of neglect and rejection are very discomforting. I don’t know how I continue to live with myself this way. I don’t know if it shows strength or stupidity. Most likely it’s a bit of both.

I’m not sure if this is a sign that I’m taking myself too seriously or undermining a terrible psychological barrier. I wish I could just live life without feeling neglected or depressed and bothering other people with my problems. I wish I could leave people alone and just be happy with my life. I wish I could find balance within my own life, so that I could be happy and everyone else in my life could be happy.

Is this a nervous breakdown? I don’t know. What qualifies as a nervous breakdown? Nervously breaking down… I’m not quite sure I’m that far, but I don’t think I’m far off. You know, there are so many love songs about finding love and love being accepted between two people. Why are there not any songs about love for someone being rejected? I don’t know, but it’s a difficult thing to cope with. I fall in and out of love very easily. I just wish I could find someone I can fall in love with, and they can love me back and we can just be together forever… if not, for a little while at least. Sadly, however, I don’t believe this will ever happen.

“Your day breaks, your mind aches, you find that all her words of kindness /inger on when she no longer needs you.”

I wish I understood the mechanics of life, leisure, romance, and a few other miscellaneous topics. I wish I understood the mechanics of a lot of things. I’m not sure I’ll ever truly understand what to do in my life. I’m not sure I’ll ever do anything truly significant in my life.