Posted

Feb 22nd 2006

Mood

Depressed

For some reason I find my life wholely depressing.
I'm slacking off in class, like I just don't care anymore. It's like I want to care, but I just can't.
I'm beginning to feel like I'm never gonna get over all the shit that happened with Russ until I'm with someone, but there's no one to be with really. I see no point in asking anyone, because I feel like no one has mutual feelings with me and I don't want to put someone in that awkward situation.
I feel like I've lost all my friends around me. I'm sorta friends with some people, but it's like after a while they just stop talking to me. It's like the people I've known my whole life don't rally care that much about me. Maybe I'm hiding it too well, maybe it's cuz I have a tendency to not want to cause other ppl trouble. One part of me is desprate to show others I want help, but another part just doesn't want to lose what little dignity and friendship I have left. I wish I could be happy, I want to be happy, but it's like there's no point anymore. I cry myself to sleep, I waste all my time doing nothing at all when I know I need to do things. I try to tell ppl and then they wither ignore me or change the subject or cheer me up for the shortest of moments. Now more than anything, I want a hug. I wanna run up to someone whose friendship I feel I've lost and tell them how much I miss having them as a freind and how much I want them to come back. I'm just a neive child. I'm lost, I need direction. I'm tired of the padded answers that are supposed to give me false hope that maybe it will be better, cuz I've waited a hell of a long time and it's not getting better. I just feel more like an outcast everyday. More left behind and awkward. More childish. Its like I'm crying for help but no one wants to be seen with me. I feel like to some people I don't exist anymore. I feel as though I want to go home, but home isn't where I live anymore. I feel like a fool. I've stoped bothering to post most places cuz it's all the same sad shit everytime and I figure most people are tired of hearing it over and over again. I feel like I've let everyone I know down. I'm sorry. I wish I was happy. I wish I felt like I did a year ago. Life was a lot better then. At least I'm gonna have some change soon. It just seems like an eternity till I get there. Every day seems like an eternity full of nothingness. I wish someone really understood. Thanks for trying, everyone who does try. It must get frustrating, listening to me go thru this shit over and over again. I'm tring to make it better. It doesn't look like its getting there from here, but maybe I am getting better.