Posted

Dec 3rd 2005

Mood

Depressed

Music

Citizen King - Safety Pin

[ Artist of the Entry ]
Uhm, he's a bastard. I like him. >:[ You should too.

[ The Reason I made a new entry. ]

It's been two months or so. That seems to be about write nowadays. Well, I've died two or three times this year. Not physically though, that should be obvious. By the way, if you don't want to see me get vulgar, stop reading. Because I'm going to. I'm disgusted with who I was, and somewhat with what I am now. The only way to clear all the shit out of my system that I have injected into myself is to get rid of all the bullshit I have grown attached to. Some of this toxic waste includes websites, others are people I RPed with, some are people I dated, were in love with, or played mindgames with. I'm a horrible person and I wanted to admit that outright. I don't deserve my friends, so thus I apologize quite often. Because I know I am going to screw up.

And I do. For example, I got pulled over last night by a cop for the first time. I'm going to plead guilty and pay for it. I don't give a damn. I was speeding. I speed all the time. To the point where I feel the car is about to shift and cause me to have a wreck at 95 miles an hour. I had a wreck once JUST like that. In fact, it was that. Only it was raining. The policemanguy made me think. Not because of the ticket. Mostly because of how I had been driving. Like a desire to put myself in a deadly situation again. But, turns out. This action, along with many of my outward problems with social situations, imagined chronic pains in my body, and hallucinations are due to the fact I'm bipolar and a schizoid. This isn't just crap I'm whining about because I want anyone to feel bad. I just want people to know flat out, I'm legally out of my head. So my disillusioned decisions I seem to make, or have been making aren't entirely my best options, nor would I make them if I thought about it long enough. But I'm not using it as a crutch. I do my fucking best. Because I care. I care too much about the people I cherish.

Not all people seem to care or react back even remotely similar to how I treat or feel about people. And it's something I've chosen to do something about recently. To better myself, and my treatment of the ones who I can trust, or care about I am cutting off all cancerous growths from my free time and social well being. The hardest ones to remove are the girls I care, or cared about. But I'll get into that in another paragraph. I've had three people I've had deepset feelings for, suicidal in fact this year alone. Four if you count the ones that were from late last year.

Feel free to flame me if you're angry either that I included you in this, or that you're not here. If you're not on this list then two things were probably going on. I was playing games in your head and it was a one way street. Sorry. When you don't have the heart to tell people you don't like them at all, things get out of hand. To the point where you're just used to doing stupid shit. I messed with a lot of people. And by lot, I mean more than three. And I'm admitting it. I told one of my good friends about my situation, and he told me to just bulldoze the shit over and move on. Thank you ____ before I turned into someone like ______.

Tashii - Yeah, it was like napalm hot. And it started because one of my friends betrayed me so she asked me out. Then things got ugly. But they're okay now. She went way out of her way to apologize for all that shit, as did the friend, but whatever. Moved on either way. But it brought me to do this right afterwards.

Seven - Convinced it could go well, I tried Seven a second time. An awesome girl, but firstly things didn't go so well, a good portion because I make stupid decisions. Then when I came home, her number didn't work, and I didn't talk to her on the phone again til about September. And it felt awkward regardless, but I was glad to know she was doing better overall mostly. I've nothing against her. At all. I wish her goodness, but I don't think she likes me at all anymore. Deserved.

Jess-aijin - When I got home from my ridiculously violent trip to Colarado. I was extremely messed up. I felt like I'd been shot in the face with two shotguns at once. From opposing sides. And I still had to go to Fanime to visit Jess-aijin for likely the only time. When Tashii did what she did, I gave it a date til I gave up on her, it was the middle of Feb. with Seven, it was if she didn't show up for Fanime. So spending time alone at the hotel the first day and a half, watching television and sleeping like a narcoleptic. I died the second time that year. I started off the year dead inside and brought my spirit back and killed it the first time in Kansas. The second time was here. And I had no willpower whatsoever to hold back or keep to myself my huge crush on Jess-aijin. Or that I loved her. I had fun there, but for a mental or emotional standpoint. I should have stayed home and not embarrassed myself.

I can't barely talk to Jess-aijin anymore. She's a good friend to me though, regardless.

There are a few details with these three, in fact a gigantic amount I am leaving out. I'd be glad to go over them if anyone has any fucking reason to flame about them. Whatever.

So I came home from Fanime with the full knowledge of the fact I'd just fucked my entirety over thricefold this year alone. Three times. I hated myself so much I had about four mental breakdowns really close to each other after having virtually none for about two years. One of those breakdowns cost me my job. Another got me into college. Funny.

I told my mother on the way home from the airport after Fanime I was giving up. I can't stand the bullshit, drama, anything anymore. If someone was going to love me, and be with me. And they weren't within driving distance, they'd better be willing to at least go halfway with me. Halfway, if not all the way. I wanted to see someone ravage the world, countryside to save -me- for once. Instead of me wasting thousands of dollars every year to create a fuckup with some girl I obviously didn't know near as much as I had affections for.

Out of boredom, I magneted myself to choice people that'd let me RP stupid shit.

But on accident... I mean. What the fuck. After all that dumb shit, you think I should be trusted to date another human being? No. Do I deserve Alex? No. Did I attempt to go out with her? No. It just happened. Neither of us even asked each other out. I'd known her for a while and I thought she was just one of my great friends, like persay, Wiseman, cg, or Walkman. Then she drew a picture which none of you have seen and sent it to me on AIM. I'm not showing it to anyone. It's mine. It let me realize that this girl was in love with me. I had not expected it. She was my favorite artist I had found last fall or so. And I was previously just happy she talked to me as a friend.

I even told her I wasn't going to spend money on her, and that she was going to have to come spend time with me. She didn't care. She didn't call me selfish. I was attempting, in my corner, to scare her away. So I wouldn't get hurt again. I opened my mouth and pretty much said anything I could to be as blunt, truthful, and like Me as I possibly could. It only made her like me more. Ridiculous. Yes, true? It is to me. I no longer care. I know I've hurt a lot of people. And if this doesn't go over well? Then I'm sorry for anyone else I'm going to hurt, or have hurt and either I or they do not realize it yet. But I'm done. I've been on the edge for a long time, but I jumped the fucking fence. Alex keeps a harmony with me. She gives so much. And I wish I could afford spending time with her for Christmas. But, with all the other shit that's happened. Impossible.

A lot of financial troubles have befallen my house, of which, since i live here, I'm doing my best to help my mother and family. My stepdad just raced down to Wisconsin to pick up my little brother Tyler. He's living with us now and I think he's on DA somewhere. He's a great kid. And I'll showcase him and my sister my next Journal entry or so. At once. To proclaim to the world my family is insane. Anyway, when Dale was in Wisconsin, he had a warrant because of things he did 13 or so years ago. he was arrested. And jailed. Mom scraped everything we had to get him out right away. Our entire family is flat broke, or moreso. I'm in debt. And I hadn't intended to be. I had 600 dollars, and I spent half on Christmas, and 7 dollars to make Wiseman smile a little. But before all those orders came through, most of my money had been shoved away to help family and car things.

Plus, my speeding ticket.

Say whatever you want to me. I'll be glad to hear your fangs and venom. I just hope that when all is said and done, my friends/buddy list and all that jazz only includes people I can trust. Because I've enjoyed this week with no RP, or many people on AIM. I've been able to work on art and play games. And talk to my friends, and go out and do shit.

If this was tl;dr, here are the main points.
1. I am stupid, I made stupid mistakes.
2. I'm sorry.
3. I'm disappearing.
4. I don't deserve my girlfriend.
5. I don't deserve my friends.
6. I'm admitting all of this to explain where I've been, why I've done things, and so nothing can surprise anyone.
7. I also know many of which who'd say things are filthy as well.

Internets. Bye.

[ Zen ]

http://www.comics.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert2005152631201.gif

[ People who need to kick my ass. ]
No one. I'm only drawing for people who have unspoken trades with me, or the ones who want to. Note me. Let me know. I'm too busy to start them myself.

[ ]

This entry was put on DA first. Because that's where more people pay attention, I am putting it here to make it quite clear I want Poptart to see all of this. I'm not hiding shit, and I've already told her a good portion of all of it.