Posted

Sep 13th 2005

Mood

Stupid

Music

stracey kent - in the wee small hours of the

I know its been only tow days (if not even less) since my last jurnal but i felt like writing something down before it will be forgotten.

As mantioned in my previous jurnal i'm a wreck bouth from physical causes as well for mental (with a capital M on the mental).

I am on the edge between staying in path and loosing it for good, its all started few weeks ago...

I got myself a reality check and apperantly time travel so fast there's hardly time to stop and edmire the view. I guess i can conclud that into the her-him relationship point of view ,i used to think nothing can beat true love (and still do) though lately im not sure its worth the truble (for me that is). Joining the army (as declaered by israely law every teenager on reaching age 18 or finishes highschool must serve for 2-3 years depending on his gender) has distubped my thought and made me wornder *pwn myself for sounding like karry bradshaw* :

Is there even a point getting into a relationship when you know it will probebly end -possibly ugly- in the next year when i finish off highschool ?
sure it would be lovely to finnally being with someone that will make me happy, but is in another way i also give up something else.

As bad as it may sounds entering a working relationship will mean giving up on sex life ,i'm soon turning 18 and have yet have been with a woman, and i'd be bouth a fool and laier if i would see i dont want to see how its like.

Entering into a relationship in such a tight time will mean i will have to either cheat or give up it all since i dont think anyone would be giving herself away after knowing me for few mounths only (and its fine by me). Now ,since i've once been on the least plesent place when it comes to cheating , i would rather die than cheat.

That means i have the choice to either go out looking for quickies (the whole line just make me sick..) or to enter a relationship with a higher chance to remain a vergo for a long time.

Though i would take relationship with mrs right over one time sex ,i'm conflicted withing myself and my ideals ,the promiss for true love upone giving up sexual advantures.

Even if anyone would think to take the relationship over the other option ,its not simple in here either.
Questions comes in mind ,pounding my head like a reality hammer.
Is it worth to "wast" my last teen age year with someone ending up finishes off army at the age of 21 with nothing but a broken heart and an unused penis ?
Will she be willing to give and make love with me (after knowing for a few mounths that is..)?
And even if i somehow be able miraclessly to open her up to the whole sexual world with me , how fast should i thrust ? How can we progress without looking to eger to try new things (which i am) ?

I guess each and every one of you can come up with an answer of what does he want among the two ,and i probebly could take the easy way and blame hormons ,teen age and all that crap ,but i say NO ! this is my fault and my fault alone !, and this is my punishment for being such a fool wasting my time doing jackshit while regaining knoladge and ideals ,but whats the worth of those if you cant use any ? I admit i am stressed out about the army (and no.. not because of the potentional of dying..),its to do with the fact the army is like this big enemy for me picking me up like a flower after i finally began to bloom (and again ,my fault for being so slow). my life as i know them could possibly be over if not end permenantly ,i know i'm now ready for anything that comes and that i could do nothing but good to my mate (in bouth sexual and mental levels) ,but i worry i might just wast my time again following ideals which meant for those who has time.

The whole thing just became a hell lot worse since a friend suddenly rebacame a potentional mate ,im about to make a decision of the two of us in the very few next days or i'll lose her for good.

The whole thing just strive me from side to side in my boat of frustration.
I recall nothing more frustrating in a long time.

I never been so lost in my life and i'm sick of not knowing basic things which i know a normal guy should.

A dear friend of mine came back from a vacation at the island of ibiza ,the man i knew as the stressed out 20 year old kid has finally reached serenity ,i envy him so much and i hope i'll find one of those pills he got.
i could use one right now.

i care not for your suggestions nor for any hard talks but your understanding and support in whatever choice i will make (and i guess there's about one person on SA which actually know me in person so consider this part dedicated for you)

i could going on and on for hours talking about what i feel and think but i get the feeling like its start to sound like a confused whining teenager.

to put some closer on the damn thing lets just say i could use a friend right now.. esspicialy from the oposite sex ,and i afried im having hard time keeping them in an aplatonic level without either falling in love with one of them and ditching the others for that one 'til the whole thing blows up in my face ,and to just i donno.. scare them off (of some resone i'm yet to understand)

you khow what! fuck that ! i still have things that should be said ,this time its towards all the women reading this (my guess is they all left 4 paragraphs ago but still).
You all probebly judging me saying either oh you twisted perverted freak or something like where are you at ,i would gladly redeem you from veginity.

Well FUCK YOU ! ,you girls have the twisted of perseption ! talking about how bitchy and treacherous guys are and whining all day about a guy who broke your heart while all you should do is look in the miror saying "HEY ! its my fault !" ,yes thats right ,girls tend to get attracted to the slimes ! (of god knows whatever reson), while people like me with good intentions and the intention of long lasting companionship are left alone just because they are so (ironicly ,its what girls want).
and so , people like me , ending up alone until getting frustrated of the whole thing and start thinking about stuff just like me.
so if anyone dare judging me its you who should take the credit for it all !

(i start to hate human thought...even more than i did)

pissed off more that i was 5 minuts ago and even more frustrated , i end this fucking piece of jurnal saying I AM NOT GOING TO ASK FOR ANYONES PITTY !.

Liran Cohen OUT!