Posted

May 28th 2005

If you want to know what it feels like to be me... here's a basic equation..

[sub]Start with how you felt the night before...

Your sleep is abruptly interrupted by your dad barging in to your room, nagging you to get a job. Having been looking for over 2 years... you get the feeling that no one wants you...

Reluctantly following his request, you end up leaving the house to search around 1 pm. You have no time to have breakfast, since A: you have never had time for it, and B: you're getting harped to leave the house ASAP.

Instead of complying, however, you decide to travel across town. Since you know you will never get a job, and having applied everyplace within a half hour radius at least 3 times, you see no reason to look for one.

Wandering around the mall, all you can do is window shop and loiter around the stores, since you have very little (if any) money you can spare.

Furthermore, most of the people you observe have a companion with them. You have no friends with you, since they are not available.

Having been around the mall for about an hour, you leave and end up going to a nearby taco bell, spending your last $5 on lunch. Again, you have no one to spend lunch with you, and you now have no money available (have to save the last 5 for gas).

It's about 4 before you get home. Feeling distant and empty, you simply go to your room and sit down in front of the computer, trying to draw something decent. Your home is not a home, since the only parent there (Dad) is either watching the Satellite TV, or obsessing tweaking his motorcycle to make a .0185 micron adjustment. He takes no interest in what is wrong, and is overly sarcastic if he does, not caring about anything except his mortorcyle.

Some time passes before you decide to just take a walk around the neighborhood. You know you will never fit in here, since a very large majority of the area is religious (there are over 15 churches within 5 minutes of your house).

All you can do now is wait til 9 pm, which is when you are able to go online. The only thing keeping you sane are the friends you have made there, and the prospect of seeing some decent art. But you are worried that one person in particular isn't online, since you love her and haven't spoken to her in a while.

Logging off at 2 to 3am, you finally end up going to bed, feeling still broken, alone, and worried that your special someone is all right.

Now, take the result of this day, square it, and feed it back into the first step.[/sub]

Welcome to how I feel almost every day.