Posted

May 24th 2005

Mood

Apologetic

I have not changed. I have a mental block. How do I break it? Oh well, it doesnt matter in this situation.

Here is what happens when I have time alone to think. The following is what I thought in a matter of half an hour: When im not so overloaded, like when I didn't talk to so many people, things were fine. Proof? When I wasn't talking to some old friends (a good number of them), things were stable.They saw the stability and decided to be friends with me once again. Shit happened again after that. Instability. Me not having so many friends allows me to create a seal in the rift. However, the seal will be like thin ice at first. If I become friends with too many people, then it will collapse. In other words, I wont know how to handle having so many friends and keeping them all happy. It overloads my mind. That and this school and me worrying about passing my econ class. Another thought is that maybe I can have a lot of friends but not try hanging out with each of them everyday. Someone is going to get mad somewhere along the line. It has happened before.

With this in mind, it is only proper for me to not only say sorry, but to also do something about it. Which leads me into the whole trust issue that a lot of people have with me.

I cannot tell you how you can trust me, only you yourself can tell you. If you care about me still, then please believe what I have written. The only person who understands the way an individual's mind works is the individual himself with the help of others taking a step back, re-evaluating actions taken, and then provide feed-back to that person. How else do you think I think so much into situations. I don't always have a person re-evaluating my actions, I do it myself a lot. I understand that what I have done is recurring, but to be honest, Im just overloaded here and I really don't know how to handle having a bunch of friends. My early past consisted of having only very few friends. That is easy to keep track of. I wasn't very popular at a young age and I was dramatized. **this is to Nikki: YOU THINK IT IS SO FUCKING EASY TO GET OVER WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH. IT IS NOT, I HAVE TRIED COUNTLESS TIMES. LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED!! IT STAYS TO HAUNT ME! Maybe I'll get over it soon, but it is that, that causes me to not know how to handle situations like this.**

To my ex: Here is what I happened. When I met Diana, I didn't know her age. Even after I found out, age didn't matter to me so much until I put thought into it and got so many people in my face. Things are over between her and I, but thats not point here. The point is, is that I told you that I still love you and then I turn my back and did this. If I didn't care so much about you, would I be acting emo? Just allow me a few weeks time to think about things. It allows me to get this schooling done and also at the same time figure out what I want to happen next. It also made me think when Jimmy came up to me and talked to me. He is really cool and I lost friendship with him. Yesterday, everyone, including you, made me realize how much of an ass i really am. It makes one think when a once close friend approaches and threatens face to face.

I must say I am sorry to all of you once again. Please don't tell me, "don't say sorry because it won't save me this time." Just please read all of this, accept it, and forget about me for the next few weeks while I get my schooling taken care of and my thoughts about all this straightened out. I truly do want you back in my life, but if this is to ever work, then I need a bit of time. Patience is a virtue that one must not forget. I just hope that you find it in your heart to accept my apologies.