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Being an Evil Dictator
Jonathan Van Winkle
English Comp.
Nancy Cook
November 12 2004
Being and evil dictator!
Here is a guide to all you wanna-be villains and evil doers. You have probably been defeated numerous times, screaming out your adversary%u2019s name time and again until you lost your voice, right? Well now is your chance to strike back, just like Jay and Silent Bob! After following this detailed recipe for doom you too can attain all your evil goals, as long as it doesn%u2019t interfere with my maniacal designs. Eager to do bad? Then let%u2019s begin.
Webster's English Dictionary (1913) has this to say about Evil:
Evil (adj.) [OE. evel, evil, ifel, uvel, AS. yfel; akin to OFries, evel, D. euvel, OS. & OHG. ubil, G. \'81bel, Goth. ubils, and perh. to E. over.] (Page: 517) 1. Having qualities tending to injury and mischief; having a nature or properties which tend to badness; mischievous; not good; worthless or deleterious; poor; as, an evil beast; an evil plant; an evil crop. 2. Having or exhibiting bad moral qualities; morally corrupt; wicked; wrong; vicious; as, evil conduct, thoughts, heart, words, and the like. 3. Producing or threatening sorrow, distress, injury, or calamity; unpropitious; calamitous; as, evil tidings; evil arrows; evil days. -- Evil speaking, speaking ill of others; calumny; censoriousness. -- The evil one, the Devil; Satan; Syn. -- Mischievous; pernicious; injurious; hurtful; destructive; wicked; sinful; bad; corrupt; perverse; wrong; vicious; calamitous. 4. Anything which impairs the happiness of a being or deprives a being of any good; anything which causes suffering of any kind to sentient beings, injury, mischief, harm, -- opposed to good. 5. Moral badness, or the deviation of a moral being from the principles of virtue imposed by conscience, or by the will of the Supreme Being, or by the principles of a lawful human authority; disposition to do wrong; moral offence; wickedness; depravity.
Does this apply to you? No? Then why are you reading this? Go join the Justice League of America and leave me alone. Are you gone yet? Good, now we can continue with the evilness! Now that we have an understanding for what you are now we can start you off on conquering the world (or something like that). Everyone starts small, and so will we. Tiny forest creatures are the best idea that I can think of right now, don%u2019t get scared on me now! We can avoid all of the cute and cuddly animals: Rabbits, squirrels, and tiny birds haunt most of our nightmares, and should be left alone until a later time when you can nuke the forests and replace it with your planet wide high-tech megalopolis.
Today we start with (dramatic pause) SMURFS! These blue, annoying fairies need to DIE and I am sure that many of you will agree. Where do you find these mythical buggers? The same place they were created, a mushroom patch! They only appear after you eat the fungus they call home. Remember the Smurfs we are looking for are blue, if for some reason you have found some that are green or purple you have the wrong shroom patch. If you got the right place then the massacre can begin. Start by finding Papa Smurf, the trade mark red hat and pants give him away every time. Get rid of him first and victory is guaranteed, he always finds a way to stop the bad guy! After you have destroyed the bearded one the fun can start; you know what I mean, torture and all that. The easiest way to take them out is fairly obvious, apply foot to ground in a repeating fashion, but that gets old too quickly. Try bringing along a box, metal and as tall as you are preferably, and start depositing the Smurfs inside, if they die from the impact of hitting the bottom its ok then there is a cushion for the others when you toss %u2018em in too.
After you have them all, the few that you leave behind will try a rescue, you can bring on the pain, and you thought that seeing their dead friends was bad enough. I like to start with a nice stew and it only takes ten of them to do it. Boil four cups of water, add assorted vegetables (remember villains need to eat healthy too), ten whole Smurfs and various herbs and spices; yummy, that%u2019s a balanced meal! Don%u2019t forget to feed your pets too, you know your furry white cat that you stroke constantly, vicious guard dogs, evil miniature clone of yourself, or what ever you may have.
Remember, have fun with your new toys and don%u2019t ever leave the lid on the box open for too long, they%u2019re crafty little devils. Now that you have taken care of those pests for me, uh I mean for yourselves you can understand the true nature of evil. To ensure complete victory in your campaign against all humanity be sure to purchase the next volume in the Being an evil dictator! series due to hit the shelves early next year, that covers your next steps like, picking and evil name, building a fortress of evil, and setting up defenses against do-gooders and much more. Goodbye for now and don%u2019t forget to spread the word of EVIL! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha %u2026%u2026
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