I Don't Want This Anymore

I Don't Want This Anymore

I watched you go in disbelief.
I followed along,
Waiting for you to run back to me.
Then the grim reality settled in
When you kept moving away
And I still stood in disbelief.

Every little thing reminded me of you.
I was still expecting you to be here.
That it was all a joke
And you%u2019d be waiting in my room,
Waiting for me.
But you were not.
By then, you were already heading back,
Back to the place we both knew you didn%u2019t belong.

I take in your scent the only way I can;
Constantly taking gentle whiffs
From the shampoo bottle you left behind.
I close my eyes and I can see you in front of me,
Your scent strong in my mind
As if the aroma shifts
And forms your shape,
Becoming a solid figure I can touch and kiss.
This is the only way I can see you now,
Independent of photographs,
Moving how I know you move
Instead of stuck in a position
In tightly condensed coloured dots
Forming your image.

I constantly tread your side of the bed as I sleep.
I wish and hope that when I open my eyes
You will be lying there
And my arm will be strewn across your side,
Your back pressed tight against my front,
And I, breathing in your soothing scent.
But when my eyes do open,
I wish that they never had,
For you are not there
In your rightful spot.

I go about in a daze.
I stare off into space
With only you on my mind.
I have thoughts and images
Of our past and future.
I daydream of how things should be now
And how they will be soon.
Not a moment passes
That I%u2019m not lost in thoughts
Of you, my true love.

My mind constantly skips,
Leaping forward in time
To points where we are together.
I%u2019m constantly visiting a time and place
Where we%u2019re far away
And have our own place.
You stir in the morning,
Careful not to wake me,
But the lack of your presence never escapes me.
And I remember our past,
Whenever you left the bed,
I woke slightly,
Just to make sure you were still part of reality
And not just a figment in a dream.
But once I found you with my blurry sight,
A wave of content would wash over me,
Knowing you weren%u2019t part of a dream,
Knowing you would return to me shortly,
And I could slip back into a half-sleep until then.

It is the present that grows
Incredibly and increasingly unpleasant.
I could constantly list
The things about you I miss.
Each day the distance
Seems to take a stab at both of us,
Weakening our tolerance
For this life we live.
I don%u2019t want this anymore.
I%u2019m sure you don%u2019t want this anymore.
All we have now are hopes and wishes,
Text and moving images through glass screens.
I long to touch you,
Hold you,
Kiss you,
And sleep soundly by your side.
I long for at least one
Of our plans to survive to completion,
To make it to a point
When we no longer have to wish for
The way things should be.

No matter how hard it becomes,
I%u2019ll wait for the moments that should be.
I know this has promise.
I know this is love.
And I know this is a love that is meant to last.
I%u2019ll keep waiting for the moment
When we%u2019ll be in each other%u2019s arms again.