Oldies #5: The Infidelity of Romantic Notions

Oldies #5: The Infidelity of Romantic Notions

Act XIV, Scene I of The Infidelity of Romantic Notions, or In Which Victorian Women Kick Bum

(The curtain opens on a parlor decorated in the Victorian fashion, with some Edwardian and other anachronisms. The walls are papered in stripes of mauve and taupe, with bunches of itty-bitty flowers in mauve on the taupe stripes, giving the uncanny effect of mauve and taupey-mauve. There are two windows in the back wall, which let in a bright but yellowish light, like the evening sun glinting off of a new tintype. A chair resides at the front left corner of the stage. It is a slightly faded mauve shade, with taupe lace trim, and looks like it has never been sat in. There is a fireplace stage right, with bricks painted to match the mauve and taupe of the room. Its mantel is a dusty color that must once have been white, but now looks like dirty khaki. An intricate oriental carpet adorns the hardwood floor. Two white wrought-iron chairs and a wrought-iron table sit between the windows, and a Victorian couch sits stage right. The room should give the impression of ornate ugliness. JAMES and OLGA enter stage left.)

OLGA: (flinging self on JAMES with a façade of slavishness) Oh James! James! James! James! James! James!

JAMES: (staggering) Olga my darling, I%u2019m glad to see you too%u2026you%u2019ve put on a few pounds while I was gone, eh?

OLGA: (gazing into his chestnut-colored eyes and smoothing a stray curl from his forehead, while speaking with a strong tone hitherto not heard in her voice) Oh no, George, I became empowered as a woman in your absence! Isn%u2019t that fabulous?

JAMES: (wincing at the news, and still reeling from her weight, but attempting to speak with force and authority.) Wonderful, dear%u2026 but in my misogynistic late-nineteenth-to-early-twentieth-century frame of reference, I must strictly forbid you from exercising your own will.

OLGA: (melodramatically hurling herself from him) James, how could you say such things? (Music begins to rise softly and CHORUS GIRLS begin entering in two lines from opposite sides of the back of the stage) You must know that I make my own decisions now. (She crosses to center stage while the music gets louder.) And I perfectly intend to help my fellow sisters in this patriarchal male-dominated society to think for themselves as well. (She sings, backed up by CHORUS GIRLS, who pretend to be able to dance.)

We%u2019re clearly soldiers in petticoats%u2026

JAMES: Hey, isn%u2019t that from Mary Poppins?¹

OLGA and CHORUS GIRLS:

Dauntless crusaders for women%u2019s votes%u2026

JAMES: Plagiarist!!

OLGA and CHORUS GIRLS:

Though we adore men individually, We agree that as a group they%u2019re ra-ther stu-pid%u2026

JAMES: (indignant) Oh I say!!!

(The music continues as CHORUS GIRLS continue marching around in circles and singing.)

OLGA: What, dear?

JAMES: This is an abomination! If we don%u2019t conform to the mandates of society, we%u2019ll be a disgrace to the ancient and traditionally significant name of Higginschmoemeyer!

OLGA: Don%u2019t be silly.

JAMES: (pleading) You must understand%u2026 (He moves toward her to take her hand in a gesture of truce. The music fades away, and the CHORUS GIRLS exit in the same lines in which they entered.)

OLGA: (backing away a step or two in queenly defiance, speaking seriously) No, James.

(He goggles in shock at this insubordination.)

OLGA: Oh! I nearly forgot to tell you%u2026 I don%u2019t love you, James. (He blanches.) I know what you would say. You married me when I was but an old maid. You gave me a beautiful home, opulent finery, everything my heart desired. But now I know. Now I understand. You cannot buy love, James.

JAMES: (taking her in his arms) Olga, my darling%u2026 (She pushes him away. A single violin begins to sob out a sad, sad melody.)

OLGA: You don%u2019t really love me; don%u2019t pretend that you do. You thought I was pretty, I was kind to you, and oh yes, I had money%u2026but you neglected the heart of marriage, James. It cannot survive on domination, but must be sustained with true love and equality. I won%u2019t pretend anymore either. I won%u2019t continue the farce of brainless housewifery. (She grasps his arm compassionately.) You love me for what I am, a pretty, subservient little wife whose only job is to take care of the house and make sure your slippers are ready for you when you come home from work. Not for who I am. You never took the time to understand that, to get to know me as a person.

JAMES: (desperate, uncomprehending) Is it another man? Someone else?

OLGA: No. There is no other. Not now. But we live here, James, like figurines in a child%u2019s dollhouse. There%u2019s no depth to our relationship, nothing but a bare shell of respectability. (She moves to the couch, which clashes horribly with her rose-pink skirt and bright white shirtwaist, and sits, speaking as an aside.) Will someone please shut that violin up? It%u2019s getting annoying. (Whispers are heard from the orchestra pit, along with the thud of a blunt object and a muffled %u201Coof!%u201D The music stops suddenly.) Thank you.

JAMES: (thoughtfully, crossing the stage to sit next to her) So you want me to defy our contemporary society and the precedent of my forefathers and treat you as an equal?

OLGA: (returning to the conversation at hand) Yes.

JAMES: Okay.

OLGA: (having a delayed reaction to his unexpected assent, still continuing her quest to convince him) Because, James, we cannot have a truly happy and meaningful relationship if we don%u2019t%u2026oh.

(JAMES smiles, watching joy%u2019s light bloom in her eyes. He leans over and kisses her, the first sweet kiss of true love that they have ever shared. The curtain falls.)




¹ Yup, it%u2019s from the movie, Mary Poppins, %u201CSister Suffragette%u201D by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman. Walt Disney Records, originally appeared in 1964.