Read me, seriously.

It was the retirement ceremony for some Navy Admiral, and for some reasons beyond me the Navy refused to use their own Marines to guard and secure the place while the Admiral and his friends circle-jerked inside. So naturally, as the CO (Commanding Officer) of B-company I was asked to guard the place in conjunction with A-company. I took straws with the leader of A to see who%u2019d get the front or back entrance, and to my relief, we got the back. I didn%u2019t expect any drama.

The 5-ton truck steadily backed its way into the alley and ground to a halt. I pinned up the rear opening cover and heaved myself over and out into the warm light emanating from the back doors of the dinner hall, along with the majestic-sounding dinner party music coming from a band playing inside. As the rest of my platoon was piling out of the truck, it didn%u2019t take me long to spot the joker loitering outside the exit of the hall.

I didn%u2019t know whether it was a joke sent from A Company, who were guarding the front entrance, but stood before me was a shifty looking man, clad in sickly green camo latex and an equally shiny Vietnam-style helmet to go with it, who still hadn%u2019t realised a 5-ton truck loaded with soldiers had just unloaded behind him. I looked him up, confusedly, still trying to figure out what this clown was trying to do. He still hadn%u2019t realised we were there, and was standing before the exit, as though waiting intently for something.

By now the rest of the guys had spotted the idiot, and just stared at him as I did, waiting for me to issue a command. Eventually my 2IC (Second-in-command) tapped me on the shoulder and asked what to do about him. It was then a moment of genius struck me.

%u201CSarge, get me a pen and paper.%u201D

He promptly ran to the cab of the truck, and returned with what I%u2019d asked. I jogged over to a dumpster, propped my leg up on it and used my knee to jot down something on the piece of paper. I folded it up and wrote %u201CREAR ADMIRAL %u2013 URGENT%u201D on the front, trying to hide my horrible handwriting to keep it as neat and orderly as possible. I held the piece of paper between my index and middle finger, letting my M16 hang from its strap around my neck.

%u201CWatch this, guys.%u201D I jokingly said as I ran over to the guy, who I realised had %u201CMARINES%u201D in black latex sown onto the back of his suit. He still hadn%u2019t learned of our presence as I lightly bashed his shoulder to get his attention. Upon turning around, he looked like he%u2019d soiled his new sex suit. I tried to adopt the best Drill Sergeant voice I could:

%u201CMarine, what are you doing here?%u201D I bellowed. Before he had a chance to reply I stubbed his foot, and slapped his hand. %u201CDon%u2019t say anymore, you know the secret marine handshake, you must be here on official business!%u201D

He looked as confused as I felt.

I carried on, not letting him get a word out:

%u201CAs you%u2019re on official business, I have a secret mission for you from Head Command!%u201D I thrust the folded piece of paper into his hand, boldly indicating the %u201CREAR ADMIRAL %u2013 URGENT%u201D I%u2019d scrawled onto it. %u201CHQ requests you locate the Rear Admiral and give this secret message to him, it%u2019s urgent and is a life and death situation!%u201D

By now I had my hand gripped on his shoulder, ushering him towards the exit. He still hadn%u2019t said a word as I pushed him into the building and closed the door behind him, where to my surprise, he actually went off looking for the Rear Admiral like I%u2019d instructed.

I looked around and regrouped with my men, who were keeling over in fits of laughter, myself having a wide grin on my face, knowing that I%u2019d get my ass chewed for failing the objective of guarding the rear exit from unwanted visitors, but still proud of myself for having a laugh on the job.

%u201CPoor guy. Still looked kinda cute in that suit though.%u201D The guys roared even more with laughter as I wiped the water from my eyes, laughing with them.

What the guy hadn%u2019t realised, was that he was about to give a %u201CSecret message%u201D saying %u201CTITS OR GTFO%u201D to the Rear Admiral.