Link & the Vampires' Teabags

Link & the Vampires' Teabags

Author: H.J. Bender
Pairing: Sheik/Link
Rating: R for language, adult situations, crude humour.
Summary: This is a ridiculously absurd story. You might need to see a psychiatrist after reading it.
Disclaimer: Nintendo owns all. I only own this fic.
Feedback: Please?
A/N: I used lots of derogatory slang in this fic but it%u2019s all done with lighthearted intentions and generous props to the Y Factor.

%u201CMama, didn%u2019t mean to make you cry. If I%u2019m not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on. %u2018Cause nothing really matters.%u201D
-totally irrelevant lyrics courtesy of Freddie Mercury

º º º

Sheik and Link were going steady.

The news broke shortly after the defeat of Ganondorf, and had pretty much all of Hyrule in an uproar. Link%u2019s legion of doting female admirers were rendered shocked, dismayed and speechless when they discovered that their heroic icon of chivalry and masculinity was in fact a cocksucking queer. Princess Ruto even suffered a series of several massive heart attacks in rapid subsequence upon learning of her flaming %u2018fiancé%u2019s%u2019 fabulous new lifestyle, and was bedridden for weeks thereafter, though her illness was due in large part to psychosomatic symptoms, and because she was also a histrionic hypochondriac.

Link had actually de-closeted himself at the same time he announced his partnership with Sheik, the stoic, blond haired, ruby-eyed Sheikah who himself had quite a few admirers from both sides of the sexual spectrum. It was disappointing to learn that the two most eligible bachelors (if not the only eligible bachelors) in Hyrule were in fact shagging each other on the sidelines the whole time.

Well, perhaps that was an exaggeration; they were only dating now and haven%u2019t gotten beyond second base. They wanted everybody to be aware of this, feeling that perhaps if Hyrule knew that they were taking it nice and slow then maybe the kingdom%u2019s respect for them would remain steadfast. It did, though after much wailing and gnashing of teeth from the throne of Hyrule, where Princess Zelda sat cold and alone with nothing to show for her efforts of throwing herself into the path of danger just so Link would rescue her with the hopes that love would bloom and then the marriage in the spring would follow along with the new drapes in the Temple of Time, etcetera ad infinitum.

But the love never came for Zelda, nor did the marriage in the spring, nor did the new drapes in the Temple of Time, nor did the multitude of screaming offspring she would have gladly bore for him. Link was gay and there was nothing that could be done about it. Zelda was and still is rather bitter, and declined to comment on the matter any further when asked.

Because of the desperate shortage of young, heterosexual men in Hyrule, many women were forced into rampant lesbianism as an alternative means of affection, and it wasn%u2019t long before the kingdom declared a state of emergency when the ratio of gay couples outnumbered the straight couples five to one. No one complained too much except for the government, but even its initial squawking over the %u2018Queer Wave%u2019 triggered by the Hero of Time died down after a while, which, coincidentally, was around the same time as when Princess Zelda stopped pissing and moaning about her %u2018lost prince%u2019 and found bliss in the ample bosom of a sexy brunette co-ed from HKU (Hyrule Kingdom University--GO WOLFOS!)

Malon became a Madam after Link discovered he was gay, and opened an illustrious bordello out of Lon Lon Ranch that was and still is the talk of Hyrule. Good looking women were in abundance and so she had quite an extensive list of call girls enough to satisfy the entire male population of the country, twofold.

Malon proved to be a stupendous businesswoman and quickly rose to fame and fortune after abandoning her old life as a stereotypical bumpkin. Besides, farming and ranching had never quite suited her as she could never seem to keep her calves together.

Once the Hylians had gotten over the initial horror of the news concerning the Hero and his new consort, what followed was an almost jovial -if slightly offencive- pardon to the beloved Link because, after all, if it weren%u2019t for him they%u2019d all be getting their eyes pecked out by crows while the vermin grew fat on their carcasses. So no one could really complain too much. Good-humoured pub patrons began placing bets on which of the two would be the one %u2018making a deposit in the other%u2019s First National Bank of Arse%u2019, to put it crudely. So far the money was on Link since Sheik looked to be the most blatantly bent of the couple, but what they hadn%u2019t seen the gay side of Link yet, and boy was it gay, and apparently had been the entire time.

His home back in Kokiri looked the same as all the others on the outside, but on the inside he had furnished it with Ligne Roset furniture of the Pascal Mourgue design collection, accented nicely with a wide variety of contemporary and minimalist décor. He was only eight when he refurnished the interior in the au courant look (which can easily be considered the conventional conformist%u2019s first choice as far as styling goes), so naturally he was pardoned for his childish ways as he had yet to graduate to more refined tastes.

He was ostracised by his fellow Kokiri for being different. His only friends in the village were the girls. He was regularly bullied and kicked around by the boys, and thus much of his childhood was spent learning how to cook, play the ocarina, dress dolls, and of course accessorise. His best friend Saria admitted later that she had her doubts about Link%u2019s orientation when he began to wear a tunic skirt instead of shorts like the other Kokiri boys, much shorter than any girl dared to wear one (and he often went commando for inexplicable reasons).

Saria herself wore tunic shorts, and was the first, last, and only girl to do so in the history of the Kokiri people. Of course, Link later discovered that she was a carpet muncher and that this was evidentially why the two of them hit off so well.

He was, in fact, extraordinarily queer: he spent far too much time in the company of fairies over the years, and he could never seem to have enough outfits or footwear. His favourite pair of shoes was his hover boots with the quote %u2018precious%u2019 wings on the heels, making him the only fag in Hyrule who could give the phrase %u2018light in the loafers%u2019 a literal meaning.

Link collected clothes like the IRS collected taxes on April 15th, and when he ran out of space in his closet he decided to ask the Great Deku Tree if he had any room to rent, to which the Great Deku Tree promptly sent him on a dangerous quest to see if he could straighten the little twink out. He failed of course, but Link managed to save the day in the end and make it back in time to catch the season finale of Kink in the Kingdom. And he hit puberty and got a boyfriend out of it, after all.

To further seal his inevitable fate, during his whirlwind romance with Sheik at the time of the quest and long after he had come to terms with his own haphazard hormones that pointed him towards the Land of Cock, Link got his ears pierced by Impa, who was famous for being the biggest, baddest, most decorated (by %u2018decorated%u2019 meaning %u2018tattooed%u2019) dyke in Hyrule. She currently runs a tattoo and piercing parlour in Kakariko, after she found she had a knack for impaling the soft flesh of young men and women with sharp metal instruments. Link was lucky to get away with just his ears pierced; Impa was quite enthusiastic about a %u2018Tripple Nipple%u2019 job in which each nipple is skewered thrice with a slender awl, or the infamous %u2018Cheriffic Chode%u2019 (which I daren%u2019t describe to you, but is quite bloody and enough to send the manliest man screaming to his mother).

º º º

Now, you%u2019re probably all asking by now what this story has to do with vampires or their teabags, and all I can say is shut the fuck up and listen because I am about to tell you, my dearest, most precious nits whom I love and cherish.

Link, like any other healthy young man, has had his share of sexual discovery (of course he has, otherwise he wouldn%u2019t have found out that he was gay) but unlike most normal boys, his experiences have almost always ended horribly and messily. For you see, since his prepubescent years, Link has been afflicted with a terrible and by now a well-known condition among anime characters known as hyperaphrohaemoproboscisekrixia (hye-per-aff-row-hee-mow-pro-bos-kis-eh-kricks-ee-uh), or the explosive rush of blood from one%u2019s nose when one sees/hears/thinks of something considered %u2018naughty%u2019.

It can be quite the mood-killer, especially when you have a frustrated Sheikah boyfriend who can%u2019t get beyond second base with you without needing a case of Kleenex® or a raincoat. Nothing seemed to work: bucket masks, paper towels, therapy, counseling or oven mitts. It simply stood no chance against the awesome PSI of the bloody flood that surged from Link%u2019s virgin facial orifices.

This debilitating inability to utilise sexual facility filled the young Hylian with all sorts of anxiety and angst until one day after a particularly bloody evening where Sheik had said the words %u2018hot thigh%u2019 and %u2018juicy meat%u2019 in the same sentence (over a dinner of Kakariko Fried Chicken), word came to Link from his flaming friend Vulvagina (formerly known as Volvagia, the beast of Death Mountain who was by now more drag than dragon) that some old bitch on the edge of town owned a shop that specialised in helping people with blood flow problems. Link took the advice and set out to find this shop, wasting no time because he knew that Sheik was probably getting very tired of spending more moments of intimacy with his hand rather than him.

º º º

Heinimus Beech was her name, and she was a heinous bitch. She ran a holistic medicine shop for vampires, which is of course absurd because vampires never got sick or worried about getting old or having irritable bowel syndrome. But she apparently got some sort of clientele because she was still in business by the time Link arrived there that evening.

She was an ugly old hag, had a face like a cart wreck (and even that was being flattering), a smile like a yellow picket fence, and tits that sagged worse than a pair of panty hose with rocks in the feet. She also talked as if she were born and raised in Hoboken New Jersey, but that goes without saying. She was one of the few ugliest women Link had ever encountered, but he wasn%u2019t repulsed by her appearance. Rather, he was relieved that he wouldn%u2019t have to break the heart of some swooning young girl by begging her to know where she got those cute heels from.

Heinimus looked up from her Goth Topic magazine at the hot young piece of ass that strode through the door, and knew immediately what the problem was.

%u201CBloody Nose Syndrome. Horny boyfriend. Nothin%u2019 works. How can I help yas.%u201D

Link gaped. %u201CHow did you know all that?%u201D

%u201CI%u2019m psychic, sweetheart,%u201D she muttered, grinding her cigar butt into the ashtray. %u201CI read th%u2019 tabloids.%u201D

She held up a copy of that week%u2019s Rational Inquirer which displayed a candid photo of a blood-drenched Sheikah coming out of the local amphitheatre with a very embarrassed looking Hyrulian at his side. And in big, bold size 200 font above:

GAY GRIEF!
Heroic heartthrob diagnosed with sinus disorder.
Consummation out of the question?
More details inside!

Link looked vaguely annoyed. %u201CYou really are a bitch,%u201D he said to Heinimus, who batted her fake eyelashes at him.

%u201CNow then,%u201D she croaked, leaning on the counter, %u201Cwhat product can I interest ya in?%u201D

%u201CI don%u2019t know. What have you got?%u201D

And Heinimus took Link all around the store and showed him the wide variety of brands of sanitary sinus staunches available for sexually serious young men. There were big ones, small ones, some as big as your head, and Link was so overwhelmed at the selection that he didn%u2019t know where to begin.

%u201CSo,%u201D he said nervously as Heinimus ushered him into a dressing room to try on a few of the items, %u201Care you sure that this is going to solve my problem?%u201D

%u201CAh course it will,%u201D the old hag insisted, waving a cigar around in the air as she gestured with her hand. %u201CIf I had a rupee for every kid who%u2019s come ta me in th%u2019 same fix as you, I wouldn%u2019t be runnin%u2019 this shithole right now.%u201D

She took a drag off the stogie that would have killed Al Capone stone dead and handed the Hylian a box through the curtain. %u201CTry these on. They%u2019re th%u2019 Junior Lites, an%u2019 th%u2019 top choice %u2018a first timers.%u201D

%u201C%u2026are you sure there%u2019s no other way?%u201D Link%u2019s worried voice came from the other side. %u201CI mean, haven%u2019t you got some kind of medicine I can take that%u2019ll make it go awa-%u201D

%u201CLook, princess, this ain%u2019t some kind %u2018a fuck magical la-dee-dah potion shop. This is th%u2019 real world, an%u2019 in th%u2019 real world, if ya%u2019ve gotta problem, ya fix it th%u2019 best way ya knows how. An%u2019 this just happens ta be the best way ta fix a bloody schnoz.%u201D

%u201CBut- but I can%u2019t put these up my nose! It isn%u2019t natural. The blood was meant to come out. I can%u2019t keep it dammed up in there forever.%u201D

%u201CWell ya ain%u2019t s%u2019posed to wear %u2018em foreva, stupid! Didn%u2019t ya read the instructions on th%u2019 box? At least once every eight hours fa light bleedin%u2019, once every two ta three hours fa heavy bleedin%u2019. Fa God%u2019s sakes, it%u2019s like talkin%u2019 to a brick wall.%u201D

%u201COh, I see! The instructions are right here%u2026%u201D

Heinimus grumbled. %u201CListen, kid. D%u2019ya love %u2018im or not?%u201D

Link%u2019s face appeared from behind the curtain, fretful but filled with firm, undeniable resolution. %u201CI do love him. More than anything.%u201D

%u201CGee, that%u2019s sweet,%u201D Heinimus reflected. %u201CNow ram those plugs up ya nose an%u2019 thinka how great it%u2019ll be gettin%u2019 nailed like a plank.%u201D

%u201CHey, how did you know that Sheik is the dom? Do I really act that gay?%u201D

%u201CBitch, please.%u201D

With a scowl, the curtain closed behind Link and several long minutes of rustling and paper tearing came from the dressing room. Later, some heavy panting and a few whimpers of pain followed as the efforts to insert the nasal tampons were evidently met with a certain degree of resistance and much physical discomfort.

%u201CI can%u2019t do it!%u201D Link cried at last from behind the cloth.

Heinimus sighed in annoyance. %u201CAre yas puttin%u2019 it in right?%u201D

%u201CYes! It hurts! It won%u2019t go in.%u201D

%u201CYa have to relax, stupid. It%u2019ll neva go in if ya tense, now take a deep breath an%u2019 just slip it inside.%u201D

%u201CIT HURTS!%u201D

%u201CThen ya puttin%u2019 it in at the wrong angle! Push toward yas, not away.%u201D

%u201CIt%u2019s too big. My nostrils are going to get stretched out.%u201D

%u201CYa nostrils aren%u2019t gonna get stretched, an%u2019 even if they do they%u2019ll go back to their normal size once th%u2019 bleedin%u2019 stops.%u201D

%u201CI think I want to try one without the applicator.%u201D

%u201CYou%u2019ll neva get it in at that rate. Just calm down an%u2019-%u201D

%u201CBut it feels like it%u2019s going in too far!%u201D

%u201CTrust me, sweetheart, there%u2019s no such thing as goin%u2019 too far.%u201D

%u201CBut what if it gets stuck up in me?%u201D

%u201CIt won%u2019t.%u201D

%u201C%u2026ah! Anh!%u201D

%u201CDon%u2019t push too hard, just let it-%u201D

%u201CAh!%u201D

Silence.

%u201CI god it! I put it id!%u201D

%u201CMazel tov,%u201D said Heinimus, lighting her fifth cigar of the hour.

A beaming blond Hylian drew back the curtain, looking as bright eyed and cheerful as a young man could with a string dangling out of one nose hole.

%u201CIt just sort of popped id. I can%u2019t eved feel it now!%u201D

%u201CUh, honey, ya gotta tuck the loose end up in ya nose. Othawise ya look like a schmuck.%u201D

%u201COh. Oh right. Okay.%u201D

%u201CYa think ya ready now?%u201D

%u201COh yes!%u201D Link exclaimed, blushing proudly. %u201CI%u2019m ready! What do I owe you?%u201D

%u201CNothin%u2019.%u201D

%u201CReally?%u201D

%u201CWell, there is one thing that ya could do fa me%u2026%u201D

º º º

Link kicked down the front door of Sheik%u2019s apartment later that evening and sprang into his surprised boyfriend%u2019s lap, breaking a few springs in the red leather Barcalounger® and eliciting a sharp scream of discomfort from its owner. The Sheikah tried to ask what in the heck was going on, but Link beat him to his own lips and soon had the easy chair crashing over backwards as the outer garments began to leap off of both their persons.

%u201CLink! What-!%u201D Sheik gasped when he was able to get his mouth free. %u201CWhy the-! How come you%u2019re not-%u201D

%u201CBleedig? I god that problem fixed,%u201D the Hylian murmured huskily, pupils already dilated with the effects of pre-orgasmic stimulation. %u201CId%u2019ll never bother us ever agehd.%u201D

%u201CWhy are you talking funny?%u201D

Link grabbed Sheik by the collar and shouted with unbridled joy, %u201CCAUSE ME SO HORNY, BABY!%u201D

What followed that profound and well-addressed statement can only be described as a raging, carnal smorgasbord of limb-contorting sex the likes of which would make the Kama Sutra appear to be nought more than glorified yoga instructions. For two days and three nights the untamed orgy went on until there remained no surface in the house untouched by genetic material, and it didn%u2019t end until Sheik finally passed out on the dawn of the third day, much to the collective relief of his long-suffering neighbours who would later that afternoon sell their stories to the newspapers.

So, with his embarrassing teenage issue taken care of, Link could at last partake in all the fabulous, fleshly delights he had read about in Cosmo without having to worry about his hyperaphrohaemoproboscisekrixia harshing his buzz. Sheik was the happiest, most satisfied man in Hyrule after that, because several years of sexual repression on Link%u2019s part caused the Hylian to get turned on as easily as a light switch, and the Sheikah was always ready to park his bone in its happy, newfound garage. The entire kingdom rejoiced for the pair and entered a new age of peace, harmony, and lots of steamy hot Hylian loving.

The story could very well end here with a %u2018and they fucked happily ever after%u2019, but it wouldn%u2019t answer your questions about how this grotesque little anecdote has anything to do with vampires%u2019 teabags. I will now present you with the conclusion:

%u201CAll I ask,%u201D Heinimus Beech had said to Link as he prepared to depart with his 36 boxes of Kokiritex® sinus tampons, %u201Cis that ya mail th%u2019 used plugs back ta me. So I can, uh%u2026 dispose %u2018a them in a proper hygienic manner. Yeah.%u201D

%u201CAll right. If you say so,%u201D Link had agreed. %u201CYou want that Hylian Express or UPS?%u201D

%u201CHyEx, %u2018a course.%u201D

But what Heinimus Beech didn%u2019t tell Link was that in addition to running a holistic medicine shop for vampires, she also ran a teashop for vampires. And with Link%u2019s bloody sexcapades into the wonderful world of Willy Wanker, she was able to launch a new line of Hero® brand teas that were the delight of bloodsucking connoisseurs all over Hyrule.

And that, my dear little nits, is the story of Link and the Vampires%u2019 Teabags.

The End