The Pain That I'm Used To

The Pain That I'm Used To

It caught me off gaurd. I mean, how often to you hear a song that evokes your whole life. It started with a loud siren that dissolved into a deep bass line, the drums adding themselves slowly with a soft synth line.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore
I just know that I'm harder to console
I don't see who I'm trying to be instead of me
But the key is a question of control

And I was 18 again, looking into my best friend's eyes and losing myself. Touching her shoulders softly, and confused. Where did friendship end and this physical need begin? Did they have to be seperate... or were they part of each other? And I was utterly lost.

Can you say what you're trying to play anyway
I just pay while you're breaking all the rules
All the signs that I find have been underlined
Devils thrive on the drive that is fueled

And then every person I ever loved spoke to me, telling me that they had been the losers for my blindness. A blindness which had made me hide for years the care I felt for others, a blindness which made interacting in a normal way almost impossible. Because I couldn't then, and sometimes can't still, see the lines which define a relationship, and even when I can see them, I do not always care. I forever require more.

All this running around, well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve something that rings true

And then I'm back to my current misery. A heart too large to hold just one love. It rattles around lonely, and so I try to fill it up. But I remain unfullfilled, because only one of those many loves that rattle around in my heart is reciprocated. the rest of them rattle like extra puzzle pieces; unjoined.

There's a hole in your soul like an animal
With no conscience, repentance, oh no
Close your eyes, pay the price for your paradise
Devils feed on the seeds of the soul

And all my loves are mocking, telling me they know my dirty little secret and just don't care; telling me that I am evil for my greed. And how can I argue? They teach us that there is one person for everyone. But what do you do when there are two, or three, or four, or even five people you love? What if you love a multitude? What do you do then? Pick one knowing you'll regret it for the rest of your life because of all the others you missed? And I'm lost again.

I can't conceal what I feel, what I know is real
No mistaking the faking, I care
With a prayer in the air I will leave it there
On a note full of hope not despair

It's all I have left. The faint hope that one day this will suddenly make sense, or that maybe society will adapt into something closer to my ideal. That there isn't a one to one ratio with people there's a million to one ratio. And every relationship that you have fulfills a different aspect of your heart and soul. Maybe I can come to peace with this before I die.

All this running around, well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve something that rings true

I'm tired, so very tired of the confusion. All I have to do is achieve something that rings true.