Shadow Blade, Chapter VII: The Time of Discernment

Shadow Blade, Chapter VII: The Time of Discernment

Chapter VII: The Time of Discernment

By the time Ruhanna arrived for the midday meal, the entire enclave had been told she was now aware of the choice that lay before her. Hoping to spare her some pressure from a congregation of well-meaning Guardians, Kalle took her gently by the arm and led her to a secluded corner of the dining hall. He sat on the floor beside Rue and although his eyes never focused upon her face, she reached up to push a lock of long, ash-blond hair behind his ear to give herself a better view of the feelings they described.

There, Kalle revealed that he as a full-fledged Guardian had known of the impending decision for some time before her; it had weighed heavily upon him to think of the heartache his friend was going to face, yet be to unable to speak of the matter until now. Furthermore, the young Guardian felt entirely out of his depth at the thought of giving counsel to his sighted friend. "I wish I could remember better what it was like to see," he murmured, "so I could tell you if it's worth it or not. I mean, I'm all right as I am, but I really don't feel qualified for a situation like yours."

"Well...could you at least tell me what you do after you're initiated?" Rue asked. Kalle's face brightened a bit and his posture relaxed at receiving a question he felt prepared to deal with. A beginning Guardian, he informed her, began studying with other weapons beyond the quarterstaff: most importantly the sword and dagger. Some, like Erik the archer, mastered additional weapons. Because of the necessity that each student be paired with a one-on-one combat instructor, acceptance into the Order of Guardians also came with a responsibility to begin helping to teach the basic forms to the youngest. There were also additional academic studies for the newly-initiated, including an introduction to the secret histories of the Order. Over the course of their lifetimes, Guardians were encouraged to continually add to their knowledge through advanced lectures and eventually to become instructors themselves.

Usually a Guardian who had reached the seventeenth year, as Kalle nearly had, would be selected to take on certain specialty skills needed by the enclave based on the seniors' assessment of personality and aptitude. This was the point, he explained, at which the Elder Guardian--her Grandfather Michael--had begun intensive studies in linguistics and interpreting.

Kalle added that Alleric had been paying special attention to him for several months, and was likely considering him to be a navigator. With the serious injuries to Alleric's legs, it had become all the more important for the master navigator to train some among the younger generation, especially in case he could never return to combat. While all Guardians worked hard to hone their directional skills, certain chosen navigators committed to memory a tremendous archive of terrain descriptions and distances, as well as computational tables and formulas used for calculating distances and coordinates in the system used by Guardians. Navigators could rapidly perform these calculations in their heads or through a complex system of finger-counting that far exceeded the range of zero through twenty. Rue could manage this with routine mathematics such as what she needed to calculate ingredients and dosages for Zarine--but fervently prayed the Guardians would never contemplate choosing her to learn what Kalle likely would even as she thanked him for his help.

A few days after that, Ruhanna had a training session with the chief healer--who from the start was in what could mildly be called a foul mood. "I assume you've told the Guardians where to go?" Zarine immediately questioned her when she entered the laboratory.

"Excuse me?" Rue raised an eyebrow, confused.

"I know what they're planning to do to you. And I know as a healer--they really can do it. So have you told them yet that you're through with them?" Raven-haired, hawk-faced Zarine stood facing Rue, arms crossed, somehow managing to look down the length of her nose at her apprentice despite their being of equal height. Her features were stern, eyes narrowed just as they were when demanding compliance with her innumerable rules and study requirements.

"Nenei Ohreinjem," she began--Madame Healer, "I have a month to make my choice..."

Zarine's eyes went wide at the implication of Rue's phrasing. "Ruhanna--you are this close to being completely out of your damn mind!" she spat as venomously as she could.

"I take it this is your advisement, then?" Rue archly replied, struggling to hold her tone level and only partially succeeding.

Zarine rolled her eyes in a combination of disbelief and disgust. "You really do insist on thinking of everything in terms of their rituals, don't you? Fine. This is 'advisement'. You want it--that's what you're going to get, so you had better listen closely! What really floors me is that I'm actually hearing you debating this...thing they want! There should be no debate at all--you are a healer-apprentice; you know full well that this procedure flies against almost every ethical precept we have!"

"I am not your patient, and they're not asking you to do a single thing except leave me alone, if I do it!" Rue cut in.

"But to ask you to do this--it's insane! I'd like to think most of them just don't understand what kind of a serious request it is--"

"They know!" Rue shot back, feeling herself begin to blush with anger. "Grandfather was really upset about it, even though he tried not to let me see just how much! You should've heard his voice...!"

"He damn well should be upset! Your 'grandfather' ought to know better than this--he ought to listen to that little voice that's telling him how wrong it is to put you in this kind of position, and if he really cared about you, he wouldn't!"

"How dare you!" Rue yelled, utterly incensed. Zarine had no idea about her adoptive grandfather, and no right to slander him in such a horrible way.

Zarine pretended not to hear Ruhanna. "The Guardians have got you wrapped right around their little fingers! Their way might be fine for them, but you are not and never will be one of them!" Vargos in different packaging! Rue thought in a moment of amazed revulsion. "You can still back out now, before you go and throw your whole life away! This is not what a normal girl does!"

That last jab pushed Rue completely over the edge--she had not missed the veiled, but plainly derisive reference to her caretakers' missing sight. She rounded on the chief healer and let out a yell that shocked Zarine into momentary silence. "You had better leave my family alone! I don't care what you think about that, but that's what they are to me! All my blood-relations are dead except for that son-of-a-bitch uncle who murdered my parents and wants a whack at me if he ever figures out where I am! So you'd better get it straight--they are the only family I've got!" Before Zarine could squeeze in a rebuttal, Rue pressed on: "You know what the difference is between you and them? They care about my living the life I'm meant to live, and they accept that I might not choose their way! At least with the Guardians, I know they'll still treat me with respect no matter what!"

"Oh, please!" sneered Zarine. "They're just saying that; you know how they'll feel if you reject them, and they'll make sure you know it!"

"And you know that how? Because that's what you'd do if I chose against you?" Ruhanna accused. "Thanks a lot for putting it all together for me! Now I know why you've given me such hell about what I wear, and why you've been doing your damnedest to control what I do and how I do it! If I choose the Guardians, I choose against you! Not against being a healer or keeping my sight--but against you! You've hated their training me from the start, and you just love undercutting it wherever you can!"

"Of course I did! They didn't confirm it until a few months ago, but I had a pretty healthy suspicion as to what would happen, and I hoped to hell that you'd grow out of all those crazy warrior notions before it came down to this! It is not your place, young lady!"

"I'll tell you what's not my place, Nenei Zarine! This lab is not my place!" She jabbed a finger fiercely at the floor, golden-brown eyes flashing dangerously. "Guess what? I got sick of your garbage a long time ago, and before Grandfather told me anything, I was this close to quitting, and you can bet when I'm fifteen, I will, no matter what I choose! You'd better start looking for a new apprentice, because this one is through!"

With that, Rue stormed out of the laboratory.

She didn't get too far before she heard a thin, male voice calling from one of the rooms along the corridor: "Hey...Rue?" The voice belonged to Alleric, who sat in a chair next to the bed in which he often lay. Much to his frustration, he was still unable to walk, even on crutches; his attempts to stand had been painful, not to mention that his muscles had weakened over three months' time and he would have to work very hard to regain his strength.

"Alleric...anything I can do for you?" she gently asked, anger fading as she looked at the injured warrior. She strode over to his side and took his hand. He squeezed back almost painfully, smiling with sheer delight at the familiar, reassuring touch. To most of the sighted, Alleric's expression would have appeared as if directed at empty space high up along the far wall--but Rue understood that his mind was intently focused upon the sensation of her hand in his.

"A little something," said Alleric. "You can pull up a chair and tell me what you and Zarine fought about just now. That was quite a commotion!"

"I'm not sure," Rue mumbled, starting to feel the beginnings of shame. "I don't want her to hear us..."

"Forget about that, Ruhanna...I know her footsteps better than she does by now!" A smile curled the corners of his lips. "I won't let anybody interrupt us. Now, if I don't miss my guess entirely, was this about your decision?"

Rue sighed, embarrassed and wondering exactly how much the convalescing Guardian had heard. "It was. She was angry that I'm even considering it...it turned into a huge argument and I really told her off. I don't want to get into what we said..."

"You needn't," Alleric assured her. "That's your right. But may I tell you what I think? I know we don't know each other that well, but still..." There was an eager, expectant look on his face--Ruhanna couldn't even contemplate denying him, so overjoyed he seemed at having company. She dragged a second chair over to his side; Alleric extended his hand and she took it once again. With that, he began. "I cannot thank you enough for your help when they brought me in...I know I've said it before. I imagine I wasn't easy to work with..."

"You couldn't help it; I know that."

"That's kind of you, Rue...now, I think you need to know: Zarine told me that your help may very well be what's given me this chance of walking again. I don't know yet if I'll ever go back to the battlefield, but if not--rest assured that nobody would've been able to do a better job than you did. Whatever God restores to me--in part through your hands--I am deeply grateful for. I think you could be a successful healer if that's your wish. If not...I don't think you ought to feel any guilt about giving up the healing arts." Rue shivered slightly. Even if Alleric had been able to make out few of the words of her argument with Zarine, it was as if he'd known of the pangs of guilt the chief healer had somehow caused Rue, in spite of the hatefulness of her words.

"I still talk to Fennis quite often," Alleric continued. "He's told me you're coming along well as a fighter. I'm sure you understand by now that it doesn't matter that he's always defeated you in sparring. What's important is that you make him work hard for it. You'll find if you become a Guardian that fairly soon your skills will start improving to where you'll have a much better chance. Not right away--there tends to be an adjustment period...and most especially for the sighted, I'm told...but that you've done all you have to this point is an accomplishment to be proud of."

"So...what is it you think I should do?"

Alleric's lips pressed together as he thought. "That's hard to say," he finally replied. "If I knew you better, I could give you a more meaningful opinion. But I think you should at least know...you are quite capable of following either path."



Later in the evening, when Grandfather Michael heard about the uproar with Zarine, it was as if the news had temporarily knocked the breath out of him. On one hand, he made it known that he was gravely disappointed with Ruhanna for losing her temper and threatening to quit her apprenticeship. But still he said, "I really am shocked at the things Zarine said to you...I don't know how Erik and I could've missed that kind of resentment in her. Believe me, Rue, I know how unsettling it must be for a sighted person to contemplate this. If I were asked to give up any of my other senses, I know I'd have a hard time with it...even if I could see. But still--I had no idea how far it had gone. I really should've seen this coming over the years.

"My one serious concern is what this could do to the relationship between Zarine and the Order of Guardians. We do need her, and so do all of the other patients she tends to. I'm not placing all of the blame on you, Rue...but I do want you to apologize tomorrow for the way you yelled. I will talk to her as well, and try to get you reinstated at least for the duration of the advisement period. Don't tell her this, but I will look into some other options for afterwards if you need it--this is mainly for the sake of maintaining relations between the king's staff and the Order."

After the incident with Zarine, it took Rue almost a week to consider accepting any more advice, and aside from those with whom she was particularly close, she mostly kept to herself. When she finally decided to pay another visit, she chose one of the Guardians in whom she placed the most trust after Grandfather Michael: the marksman Erik, whom she sometimes thought of as being what Arenak never could--a true, caring uncle. "Sit here next to me," Erik invited, and Rue joined him on the divan in his office. His green eyes stared even further into the distance than normal, or so it seemed, as he gathered his thoughts. "I don't think Leah would exactly be pleased with me if she heard what I intend to say. She's not very comfortable with the idea of this--for that reason I do think you should hear her out." Rue stiffened; sensing the subtle movement, Erik turned and smiled reassuringly at her. "I think she'll present her case, but you know in your heart that she won't be like Zarine. She wouldn't dream of hurting you that way. I do think you need to hear the other side from someone a little less explosive."

Erik then assured Rue that he believed, just as Alleric did, that her skills were sufficient to the task of becoming a Guardian if her soul was fully into it. "But here is what I really want to tell you," he said. "I have a hard time imagining you trapped indoors all day with nothing but mixing potions and tending to patients. Mind you, I know you have a compassionate soul. But ever since I've known you, since you were four years old, I have thought you'd be happiest doing something that will really let you stretch your wings. I really believe that if you search yourself and think about what you really love, you'll find that it's working with us. You've led a very active life, even before you started training to be a Guardian, and I'm inclined to think the cost of giving that up could be just as steep for you--maybe even steeper--than to sacrifice your sight.

"That's only my intuition, of course. I don't want you to end up leading a life that isn't enough for you." He leaned back, exhaling gently. "About your sight--I don't know how to help you there. Just...try to decide how much it means to you, versus everything else about being a Guardian. I imagine you could be happy--but that's up to you. You're the one who has the information to decide on that."

For some reason, it really comforted Rue to hear someone give her some solid encouragement towards initiation; prior to Erik, the only person to offer a conclusive opinion had been...Zarine. And her opinion, Rue had decided, was completely irrelevant. It was with great fear, at first, that Rue approached Erik's wife to seek her advice...but he had been right about her. Leah, who was now with child, was extraordinarily gentle with her--all the more so knowing how Rue had been burned a week prior. "I've got to be honest," she said. "I know I'm biased because I rely on my sight for my life's work...if I did this, I'd lose everything. I don't know...maybe it would be different for you, but you'd better be careful. You'd better not underestimate how hard it could be on you. And you mustn't ever repeat any of this to Erik because it would devastate him--but I know what I am hoping for, for the baby. I'll love him just the same whether or not he can see...but I think you should know that there are times when you feel like one of my own...and I really am afraid for you!"



After another week or so, it occurred to Ruhanna to seek the advice of Kirian, who as a lady Guardian could provide a less common perspective upon the idea of her initiation. Above all, Kirian emphasized, among the Guardians a woman received much more respect than she would in most other occupations. "Women as fortunate as Leah--who have careers, their own social standing, and a husband who truly stands beside her...mark my words: they are the exception." Most women in Aramansch society, she added, had only two choices that would allow them to preserve some degree of independence: becoming a healer or entering a convent. In the past, a woman of Rue's bloodlines would have trained as a mage; Kirian pointed out that although that option was closed to her, Ruhanna was most fortunate to still have a third path available. The king's army would never accept Rue despite all of her training, Kirian warned; therefore, if Ruhanna truly sought to become a warrior, her only possibility would be initiation as a Guardian.

There was one more thing, although it galled Kirian to have to discuss it. "You would almost certainly marry another Guardian, if you did marry at all. It's a bit easier for the men, even though any of us would have some trouble being accepted. Which is truly awful, to my mind--but that's what I've noticed over time. Thankfully, you needn't marry if it isn't your wish, because even though he doesn't approve of our ways, King Juran does provide the same for the women as he does for the men. Personally, I had no desire to marry. But if you do think you want a family someday, you just need to realize what it's going to be like, unless we suddenly find ourselves in a different Araman."



Finally, in the third week of the advisement period, Ruhanna visited the priest who performed the worship services usually attended by the Order of Guardians. While he did not offer any opinions as to which choice Rue ought to make, he did speak to her about the interpretations of dreams and signs by which the Lord might indicate His favor or disfavor upon a particular choice. "On occasion," he concluded, "there are those whom God chooses to make extraordinary sacrifices. Such sacrifices are not without rewards, even though there can be times of suffering and anguish. If you become certain that you are one of those who does have such a calling, I would advise you not to ignore it, or the pain of your refusal will far outweigh any that comes from becoming blind. If you believe you are not--and the belief comes from more than just fear, but is truly of God--then you ought not try to push yourself into a position you are not intended to take."

That evening with Grandfather Michael, Rue raised a question that she believed only he--if anyone still living--could speak of: the wishes of her parents. "I have to believe they wanted you to have a free choice," he said. "If they could've, they would've trained you as a mage--they believed even back then that you were up to it, that on the mage's path you would've had the mind to learn well and the spirit to resist becoming like Arenak.

"We Guardians do make use of some related arts, although not on the order that a mage would. Our skills do not require one to be of a certain lineage. In some ways, it's the closest alternative there is to becoming a mage. With your heritage, though, you may find it naturally suits you to be a Guardian, that our most advanced techniques come easily to you. I think your parents knew that when they brought you here. But I imagine they would never wish you to take on any burden that truly is is too much to bear. Now, that's the most I know--but there is one other person I think you've been avoiding for the past three weeks, who spoke to your father that night."

Rue's stomach tightened with dread as distant memory revealed his identity.

"Thorn."