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An Ode to Paper Tigers
The sword flickered towards my skull, was stopped by the armor on my arm. She screamed, a primal, choked sound. She pulled back and stabbed me in the lung. I fell to my back, leaving her panting on her knees above me. She stared for a moment before twisting the sword. I grunted in pain. She dropped her arms. She started to cry as the sword twisted back.
“Why? Why won’t you DIE?..” She collapsed on me and wept. I put my arms around her. I considered attempting to break her spine, but it didn’t fit the mood. I settled for patting her on the back and tried to head off an erection. She was beautiful. I am human.
“ I need to learn how to do that not dying thing. Immortals get all the chicks. Thanks for the distraction, she was the strongest. Rest were pushovers.” This was Yaraguchi. He is an asshole. He believes that I am immortal. Events have yet to prove him wrong. I am holding my breath.
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In the morning everything was sane. Walking back from school the largest, strangest, ugliest creature I have ever seen attacked me. It was bipedal, but that’s all that was human. Take a stereotypical massive demon, cover it in hair and nubby little half-foot tentacles, with tail of the massive balancing kind. That tells you nothing. It may give you a glimmer of the idea. It was trying to eat me. Then he appeared.
I was huddling in the corner of an alley against a fence. It was blocking the exit. I was going to die. I noticed him when it looked behind me, instead of drooling at me. He was a big, quiet guy. Never tried to befriend or annoy anyone. That annoyed a lot of people. He was not gentle, but couldn’t do much against three or four of them. Near daily beatings, he never told or even gave any sign he cared. I found this out afterwards. All I knew then was that he saved me.
He vaulted over the fence and walked towards the thing. I thought he was suicidal. It batted him aside, lightly. I’ll always remember the crack as he hit the wall. It was so much softer than the ones the followed. He got back up, was knocked down, got up again. He would not give up. He bled like a river. Bones thrust out of skin. His face was unrecognizable. He got back up. He fell down. Again, he rose. Finally, it stopped. It stared at him, wonderingly I think. He took a step, then another. Slowly, falteringly, he walked towards it. He raised a fist, trembling. He hit it, then stood there shudding. It hit him full force. His body tore the fence.
He lay there, a lake spreading around him. His head fell to the side, letting him stare at me. He blinked. He opened his mouth and made gurgling noises for a moment. I could not tear my eyes away. The creature stood, watching. Finally, he cleared his throat. He said one thing.
“ When did you get here?” It was like a shock of water to the face. The creature lifted it’s head and bellowed, great gasps of air that shattered windows. Afterwards, I figured out that it was laughing. He got up. He walked forward. It grabbed him, not gently, holding him in one massive fist. It held him up to its face, tentacles exploring him, learning him. It came to a decision. It turned to stare at me, then walked away.
His name was Chad. I had never noticed him before. I have never seen him again. I saw the monster, months later. It came over to me, stroked my face as I was paralized. It walked away. I never saw anything magic again.
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When I woke she was trying to suffocate me. I lay there for a bit, then put my hand where I guessed her wrist was. She scuttled back to the edge of the bed, introducing herself to the morning wood on the way. I could feel her jump. I dragged the pillow off my face and watched her, panting, sweating, staring. Terrified.
“Is this how you treat your host?” She squeeked. What is it about trying to kill a man for three hours that makes him terrifying? I suck at fighting, frankly. She could and did beat me into a pulp. I'm good at pulp. I got up and exited the room. I took a piss. When I got back she was a bit calmer, so I got back into bed.
“Kitchens over there if you want to eat. Doors there if you want to leave. Try not to steal anything or cut my dick off.” Even with my eyes closed I could feel her giving me a weird look. I sighed and looked at her. She was giving me a weird look.
“Look, I only brought you here because I felt bad dumping you on the street or selling you to-“
“YOU’RE GOING TO SELL ME INTO SLAVERY? I WON’T BE A WHORE!”
“Is not slavery. Apprenticeship. To the guild, the bounty guild. Mmmf. Shut up. All my moneys banked, got nothing valuable. And I didn’t do shit to you, didn’t feel right. You had no bounty, no point. Didn’ call you a whore either.Goway.” I put the pillow over my head. Damn light. Damn wench. Sleep heals, my lung was screaming at me. She was quiet for a while, which I thought meant I could sleep. Damn it.
“Cut your dick off?..” She sounded incredulous and blushy, so annoying and cute respectively. Serious topic, damn it. But blushy IS cute. I can forgive her. If she doesn’t try suffocating me again.
“Mmmff. Ex. Before was ex. Bitch. Dumped ‘er. Stop laughing.” Cute, yes, but a bitch. I have a scar. Threats to genitals are valid cause for paranoia. I don't think she's scared of me anymore.
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