Chapter 2 - Midgetan

Chapter 2 - Midgetan

The Almighty Midgetman paced his office fretfully. Advisor hadn't come back with the weekly report yet. He was already fifteen minutes late.
The Almighty Midgetman, or the Midgetman (as he was known to people who were close friends of his), was the ruler of the Midgets, the main race of the planet Midgetan. They liked to include the word Midget in everything, to assert their dominance. He had reigned for all of his something-teen years of existence, and had made an exceptionally good ruler. He was well liked by almost all of his subjects, and the ones who didn’t like him were usually the ones who were in hospitals for the "mentally needy," as was the common term.
The Midgetman bit his lower lip, showing the front two of his pointed teeth, which stuck out slightly. He had light brown hair and eyes, exactly the same shade. The Midgetman wore glasses, as was common for his rank and status. He was of imposing height - about four feet. A few freckles wouldn't have looked out of place on his face, but he never got freckles. No Midget did. If the Midgetman was human, he would be considered extremely attractive. Human girls would throw themselves at him. He would probably shriek and fend them off with a large stick. That is, if he had any idea what a girl was. Midgets were all male. The Midgetman paused in his pacing to shoot a rubber band at the official Weaponsmaster, who was sleeping at the Midgetman's desk. Although his title was Weaponsmaster, the Weaponsmaster was more of an all-purpose engineer, of both objects and ideas. Most of his inventions ended up exploding, however, and his ideas would have, too, if they were implemented. The rubber band hadn't had any effect, and Weaponsmaster was still sleeping facedown on the desk, looking like a pile of blond hair with two pointed ears sticking out from it. He was probably leaving drool marks on the sandstone desk.
The door slammed open. The Midgetman made a noise somewhere along the lines of "Eep!" and fell over onto the spot where Weaponsmaster had been sleeping earlier. Weaponsmaster was on the floor, still in his chair, which was now sideways. He had fallen over in surprise when the door opened, then fell back asleep. He was snoring. The Midgetman glared at the panting Midget in the door. His fiery-red hair was a huge mess and his glasses were slightly askew.
"Where the heck were you, Advisor?" asked the Midgetman angrily. "I was getting worried!"
"Sir!" yelled the Advisor, a bit too loudly for someone who was standing two feet away from his audience. "We've discovered intelligent life forms! That aren't Midgets!"
"We're kind of short on intelligent life forms that are Midgets. Why'd you go find new ones?" said the Midgetman disbelievingly.
"I'm serious! This is the real thing!" Advisor seemed overly agitated.
"Uh-huh. And how did you find this out, exactly? Did they send a message?" The Midgetman was still unconvinced.
"Yes. In the form of a bomb." Advisor pointed out the window, where a nearby city was in flames. Purple ships hovered above it.
The Midgetman gaped at the flaming wreckage. Then, at a loss for words, he said simply, "Damn. They had good oranges there." A Midget was running around with his arms raised just outside the building, screaming about death and the destruction of life as we know it. The Midgetman leaned out the opened window and yelled, "Hey, Soothsayer!" The screaming Midget stopped and stared at him blankly. "I need some... sooths said! Get in here!" called the Midgetman. Soothsayer resumed screaming and running, but this time he did it in the vague direction of the entrance. The Midgetman sighed and turned back to the room. "Anyone got a miracle handy?" he asked.

Far above the purple ships, a smaller, sleeker red ship circled the area. Inside it, Konnie and KJ surveyed the wreckage. "Well, we didn't preempt the first strike," said Konnie unhappily.
"It's probably better that way. Now we have an excuse," reasoned KJ.
"We already have an excuse. They've been planning for ages to attack the poor helpless... whatever lives here-s."
"Speaking of which, there's probably an entry in Carnal's. Bring it up onscreen, will you?"
"What is it with you and phrasing commands as requests?" Konnie irritably asked. She padded over to the viewscreen, pressed a few buttons, and typed in the word Midgetan. The view of the ship-encircled island planet gave way to several paragraphs in Vaan, along with captioned pictures of the indigenous people going about their lives. The text read:

Midget (plural: Midgets)
Home Planet: Midgetan
Dominant Language: Midge

Midgets are a genial and somewhat primitive race, one of the many completely oblivious to the existence of other intelligent species, and are considered evolutionary oddities by most experts. Although they are considered of the commonly-evolving class Mammalia, they are produced mechanically, in a method akin to that of silicon-based organisms. Because of this, they only have need of one gender. Also, they do not go through a period of intense growth (which is common in highly-evolved mammals) but instead grow steadily for the first several years of their life. There are few theories as to how this might have occurred, as there are no genetically similar life forms on the planet and Midgets have not yet achieved interplanetary travel.
Midgets are generally cheerful, intelligent, and active, yet enjoy violence and can turn aggressive easily. As a species, they are ingenious and resourceful, and have competent technology despite Midgetan's lack of resources. They tend to obsess over said technology and will spend countless hours playing electronic games and the like. It is considered disrespectful to address a Midget by their given name - instead, their business title should be used. Their government consists of one governor for each island except the largest (Netton), which has a group of specialists and Midgetan's ruler, the Almighty Midgetman. The government officials are genetically engineered for optimum performance, as opposed to the general population, whose genes are chosen randomly. The species name "Midget" has only been in use for around a century. Before that time, the species consisted of two warring tribes (the Midgets and the Vazzek). The Vazzek were eventually conquered and the tribes were assimilated into one large genetic database.
What to do if attacked by a Midget: Do not taunt the Midget, as this will only provoke it and possibly cause it to go into a bestial state known as mele, during which it will attack you mercilessly without regard to other factors. If you have any weapons, threatening the Midget with them will usually elicit a surrender (unless the weapons are insufficient, i.e. a pocket knife). Bribery will also often work. If the Midget has already gone mele, surrendering will allow it to go back to its natural state. If forced to fight, aim blows towards the neck and the groin.

"They sound sort of... disagreeable," said KJ, wincing a bit.
"Nah, Carnal's tends to be kinda harsh," said Konnie. "They said a lot of the same stuff about humans."
"They did?" KJ was shocked.
"Sheesh, read your own entries, man." Konnie turned back to the screen. "Hey, look. There's a picture." She pressed yet another button and a picture of a Midget filled the screen. "Aww, it's cute. Looks like one of your kind. Kinda fluffy on top."
"It's an elf," said KJ, more to himself than to Konnie.
"What?"
"Nothing. It looks like a mythical creature from my world."
"Oh. Well, that happens. You know, I really like his hair. It's a pouf. You should do your hair like that. Poof poof poof."
KJ looked closely at the picture of the impishly grinning Midget. It was captioned "Fully grown Midget civilian", although to KJ it looked no older than ten. The Midget's clothes were badly woven and stitched, looking as primitive as Carnal's had said. It did look like an elf, but there was something else. The ears... That was it. It looked decidedly canine. The ears were foxlike, the dilated eyes and pointed teeth were common to the family. The blend of predator and human child was unnerving.
"So should we try and contact them?" asked Konnie brightly. "I'd like to. They sound fun."
"That's what we came here for, isn't it?"
"I'll take that as a yes. Where should we land?"
"Netton. That's where that Midgetman person lives, isn't it?"
"Alright. Take us to their leader. Got it." Konnie typed in the coordinates for the landing and the ship zoomed down.
Netton was mainly dominated by a humongous building, which was of a, to say the least, unique architectural style. It looked like a gothic cathedral had collided with a Calder mobile and the final level of a video game. The building was surrounded by what looked like palm trees without the trunks.
"Can a building need that many flying buttresses?" asked Konnie incredulously, as she tuned on the ship's disguiser.
"Probably not," replied KJ. "The cobalt domes are nice, though. And the dragon sculptures are... interesting."
"That's an understatement. Let's enter - if the door doesn't eat us first. Doesn't it look like it has fangs?"
At the door, Konnie and KJ walked up to the guard. "Is this where the Almighty Midgetman lives?" Konnie asked the guard, who was staring at them. The Ailu was having a hard time keeping from giggling when she said or heard the words "Almighty Midgetman". It was such a stupid name. It was probably traditional, though.
"Ye-ess..." he said, somewhat unnerved. He backed up slightly.
"Can we see him?" asked Konnie.
"I'll check." The guard turned on a walkie-talkie. "Hey, Mr. Midgetman? There's a giant cat and... umm... some sort of tall pale guy here to see you. No, I'm not joking. No, they're not armed. No, I don't think you're hallucinating. No, I'm not sure. How would I be? I'll see about the food taster, if you really want one. So can I let them in? Right." He pressed the walkie talkie's power button again and turned back to Konnie and KJ. "The Almighty Midgetman's office is thataway." The guard pointed down the hallway. "And quit giggling."
"Sorry. Can't help it," Konnie said in between giggles.
"All right. That was a very articulate and non-cliché way of saying 'Take us to your leader', by the way."
"Thank you." Konnie stepped past the guard and headed down the hallway. KJ followed suit. Once they had gotten to the end of the hall, Konnie knocked on the door, which was made of the same stone as the rest of the building. "Come in," said a voice from inside, over someone else yelling. The two walked into the room, where there were three desks - one in the middle and two on the sides. The one in the middle had a sign on it that said "Almighty Midgetman, ruler of Midgetan." At that desk sat a Midget, who was currently arguing with a much more panicked one. "Are you really sure it's the end of the world, Soothsayer?" asked the one at the desk tentatively.
"I'm positive! It's the apocalypse, the cataclysm, doomsday, the big firework! We all need to get on boats and sail off the edge of the world!"
"The world's round."
"That's what the government wants you to think!"
"We are the government."
"We need to fire grape juice at the ships! Grape juice, I tell you!"
The one at the desk - who was probably the Almighty Midgetman - sighed. "You're caffeine drunk, aren't you?"
Soothsayer's ears drooped. He looked sheepish. "Perhaps."
The Midgetman rolled his eyes. "How much did you drink?"
Soothsayer's ears went even lower. "A few bottles. I was nervous. But I'm sure about the grape juice! I really am!"
"Actually, that might work," said KJ. The Midgets turned to look at the aliens, who they hadn't noticed. Soothsayer bowed slightly, mouthed the words "I told you so" to the Midgetman, and ran off.
The Almighty Midgetman broke into a forced grin. "Hi! How are you guys doing? Nice of you to drop by! Can I get you anything to drink? Just..." The Midgetman lost his grin. "Please don't kill us. We'll do anything! Anything at all! Just don't destroy us! Please!"
"Well, for starters-" Konnie began. KJ elbowed her in the ribs.
"We're not the ones who're attacking. We're here to help," said KJ. The Midgetman grinned again, this time for real.
"We are thirsty, though," said Konnie.
"Right. I'll fix that. Does caffeine have a bad effect on you?"
Konnie was about to reply, but KJ got to it before her. "Yes, but we drink it anyway."
"Good answer." The Almighty Midgetman pressed a button on the speaker-equipped item on his desk. "Three cretells, please."
A Midget that looked even younger than the rest sauntered in, holding a tray with a few purplish drinks on it. He stopped when he noticed Konnie and KJ and looked around worriedly. "Just give us the drinks and leave," said the Almighty Midgetman. The serving-boy obeyed, wondering if he shouldn't have been doodling with permanent markers so much.
Konnie examined her drink. It was maroon and fizzy. She sipped it. It tasted sort of like peaches, cinnamon, and artificial flavoring. Pretty good. "So," said the Midgetman, "intros. Advisor! Come over here!" Advisor walked in and did a double-take upon seeing the two non-natives. "What, never seen aliens before?" joked the Midgetman. Advisor hesitantly approached them. "Weaponsmaster!" yelled the Midgetman, and then noticed the Midget who had been sleeping at the third desk the whole time. "He's still asleep. One moment, please." The Midgetman threw his drink at the specialist, who jerked his head up and hit it on the desk lamp.
"That was kinda harsh," said KJ, cringing.
"Ah, he won't mind," replied the Midgetman. "Only way to get him to pay attention is to hit him with something."
"Wow, who dragged in the cat?" asked the sodden engineer drowsily.
"Same person who let the dogs out," Konnie replied.
"That's nice," said Weaponsmaster, who then promptly fell back asleep.
"Get up and stay up!" the Midgetman barked. Weaponsmaster banged his head on the desk lamp again and angrily shoved it out of the way. "Yeesh. Since when is that so hard for you?"
"Since I stayed up all last night playing Corona 14," responded Weaponsmaster sleepily.
"Well, eat some... pastry-related... food... items, then. Or take a shower. Or something." The Midgetman turned back to KJ and Konnie. "Right. Advisor, Weaponsmaster, Almighty Midgetman," said the Midgetman, gesturing to the respective Midgets. "Although just plain Midgetman is fine. The Almighty part makes me kinda nervous. So, on to business. You guys said you were here to help. Let's hear about that."
"Right. By the way, I'm KJ Fox, she's Konnie Dizo." KJ gestured accordingly. "KJ and Konnie for short. I'm an Elemental, she's an Ailu. The beings attacking you are the Reiak. Generally nasty, look like insects. Their main weakness is water."
"Then why would they target us?" asked Advisor. "Our planet's ninety percent water."
"They didn't expect anyone to tell you about it. And they didn't expect you to be able to use it against them. For starters, you'll need to get them out of their ships. A little device of ours here should help with that."
Konnie pulled a small cylindrical device from her bag. "This thing here - it's called a crasher, because that's what it does - generates a high-frequency magnetic pulse," she explained. "Renders all computers within a radius of thirteen million Galactic Standard units temporarily useless. That should cover your planet quite nicely. The ships will all go down. Of course, your computers will be useless too, but I think that should be okay."
"Lemme check," said the Midgetman, holding up a finger. "Hey guys?" he shouted into the next room. "Which would you prefer: losing your computers for a while or losing your lives?"
There was a bit of discussion in the other room. "Would the loss of life be temporary?" someone called out.
"No, idiot!" the Midgetman called back.
More discussion followed. "We'd prefer losing the computers," someone finally answered.
"Right; we'll take it," said the Midgetman. "That took a stupidly long time. So, we use this thing, they come out of their ships, and they dissolve when they hit the water?"
"It's not quite that easy," responded KJ. "Their exoskeletons are water soluble, but they're thick. It'd take quite a bit of pressure to actually create a hole in the exoskeleton. Once that's accomplished, though, the Reiak will be blackened lumps of silicon. Fortunately, the amount of pressure needed is about as much as is provided by your average garden hose."
"So... we're going to be shooting at them with hoses?" asked the Midgetman, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, I'm sure your weapons engineers could come up with something a bit more practical," KJ suggested.
"Can we ever!" shouted Weaponsmaster, jumping up. "I'll get right on it!" He made a punching gesture with his arm and knocked over the desk lamp, which he glared at as if it were its fault. "I need to get rid of that thing," he commented.
"Let the Reiak get onto the land before shooting them," advised Konnie. "If they die in the sea, the corpses will majorly pollute your oceans."
"We also have a few other gadgets," said KJ.
"These are portable portals," Konnie said as she got out a couple of metal disks. "They're a set. You can travel from the location of one to the location of the other in literally no time at all." To demonstrate, she set the disks on the floor about three feet away from each other. She pressed the button on one. Both of them expanded into smaller versions of the portals used for interstellar travel, encased in a vertical metal ring. Konnie walked into one and out the other. The Midgets oohed appreciatively. "Then there's the disguiser." She pulled out a bead-sized object with what looked like a blue light-emitting diode on it. "It combines a hologram projector with a texture simulator. There's a standard Reiak disguise programmed into this one." She stuck the disguiser in the fur on her head and flipped the switch. The Ailu appeared to turn into a buglike alien conqueror. The Midgets nodded, memorizing the appearance of their adversaries. She turned it off and set it on the table. "It'll attach itself to wherever it's placed. Generally, you're supposed to put them on your head. And finally, there's the translator." This time she retrieved a device the size and shape of a pen cap. "It'll translate everything you say and everything anyone says to you. And it provides voices, so that everyone doesn't sound like a robot. It'll translate a few written languages too." She set the translator next to the disguiser. "Let us know if you need any more of these."
"We'll be leaving an extra portable portal here, so that we can still get to you during the computer outage," KJ added.
"And you're just giving us all this help and technology and stuff?" asked the Midgetman. "No strings attached or anything?"
"Well, one string," said KJ.
"What is it?" asked the Midgetman, fearing the worst.
"Your race has to help us defeat the Reiak. That means you have to save other planets, not just your own."
"That's fine!" said the Midgetman, greatly relieved. He had at least expected to hand over some gold or slaves.
"Right," said KJ. "We'll be leaving now. When we're outside of the crasher's range, we'll tell you through the portal. Sound waves can go through it, too."
"Is- is it okay if we, like, pay a visit sometime?" asked the Midgetman cautiously. "I don't think any of us have ever been on another planet, so-"
“It's fine," replied KJ. "If I were you, I'd be interested too."
"Thank you so much for all the help," the Midgetman said as they left. "There aren't words to describe how grateful I am."
"No problem," Konnie replied. "Have fun beating the hell out of the Reiak troops!"

"They were nice people," said Konnie. They were back on the Comet, heading out of Midgetan's atmosphere. "But I'm not sure that Midgetman person was too smart. I mean, he just basically gave us the services of his entire race in exchange for some good advice and a thousand dollars worth of technology."
"Well, you know, we did just save an entire planet's worth of people," KJ pointed out. "I would expect that their leader would feel obliged to give something in return."
"Yeah, but still," Konnie said. She didn't bother finishing her sentence. The Ailu looked out the window at the receding planet. "You know, I was thinking - the Midgetman's hair really wasn't as poofy as that guy's in Carnal's. Well, you can't expect too much from a guy."