|
|
Suicide
I pause and draw the air into my lungs. The damp taste of sludge from the bayou mixes with the crisp beauty of the autumn atmosphere. I can here a small party going on across the water somewhere. No burning leaves, good, I hate that smell. The bright colors are all around. Browns, reds, oranges, and the last hints of greens, except of course the pines lining the road back toward that house. That place that had been home for years. And now? Now with each passing day I find it more of a prison. Ah, but let us not think of such things. The water slowly rolls up toward my sandals. My toes are cold but I can live with it for another few minutes. I pull the sleeves of my sweater down over my hands and look up to the sky. It’s the prefect evening. I sigh and lean back a bit to find you there to hold me. Your arms grip me carefully as you lean forward. A perfect balance, I supporting you and you supporting me. I lean my head back as far as I can and kiss your chin. You smile. I love that smile. I love you. Your lips touch my neck before you rest your head on my shoulder.
“Days like this… I start to think it might not be such a bad place to raise a family. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have such a perfect fall day? Looking out large bay windows over a small lake and leaves all the colors of the sunrise scattered in a lawn that’s still lush? Oh love, that would be the life.” No response. And suddenly it’s quite warm.
I open my eyes. The darkness of my room surrounds me. It’s not fall yet. I’ll miss the autumn. And you’re not here. Out side it’s still green, and the smell of barbeque is still thick in the air from the holiday weekend. I sit up and hug my knees. Lord. I wish you were here in my arms. I wish I could tell you about how beautiful the world is with you there.
Instead I sigh and pull out the cigarette. Crack the window wide enough that no one knows I smoke at night when I find myself alone in hell. Poison. Every day is poison. And that cricket is so damn loud reminding me of all that isn’t there. Someday you and I will catch frogs with the boys down by the pond outside that house with the big windows and all those trees. Feed little crickets like that to the frogs in the summer. I’ll sing to you on the big porch swing on those lazy summer nights with candle lights. Too much dream. Too much distance. I take a drag and remember what it was that I forgot. Why was I so sad? What was I forgetting?
Oh yeah. I turn on the light next to my bed and pick up the news paper again. They say it was suicide. Suicide. Damn. I poke the cig out of the window and lay back down. Poison. I had almost forgotten. Time to go back to sleep. Dream of that house and you and me, arm ‘n arm. Maybe they’re wrong. Maybe heaven doesn’t mind us gay guys so much, and maybe they forgive suicide. I hope you recognize me at those pearly gates love. I’ll miss you every second until you’re in my arms.
|
|
Comments