Hiding Behind a Mask

Hiding Behind a Mask

I knew life was going to be tough once I reached high school. I knew it was going to be different than elementary and middle school. But I would never have guessed that life would take me in for the longest roller coaster ride, yet and force me to wear a mask in front of my friends.


It was freshman year and I was shy enough to be called a mouse. A little short, Asian girl, prepared for high school and worked hard to gain the grades she wanted. That was what I was. Small, short, slightly pudgy but pretty enough to be called a girl.

I was forbidden to have a social life because of my parents, and now that I am in high school and my parents were busy all the time. I enjoyed the luxury of having friends and a social life.

I met a boy; a year older than me, who shared the same birthday as I. His name was Nate Smith. I knew I could trust him cause there was something homey and comfortable about him that I liked.

Nate was a Hispanic and was rebellious as any other boy. But he knew when he could be bad and when to be serious. He and I would always talk on the phone ‘til late at nights when my mother would scold me to get off the phone. He was the closest guy friend I’ve ever had.

As our friendship grew, so did my liking for him. I grew to have a crush on the man and I thought it was wrong because he was going out with someone else. I never told him that I liked him so. And I hoped that my crush on him would soon fade away.

That was when I met this girl in my Health class, Tina Turner. She and I became friends instantly. Tina was a kind-hearted Christian and we both had similar likes and dislikes. I respected her beliefs and she respected mine, which was one thing I liked about her. We both trusted each other and we were great friends.

After a while, my parents finally let me throw a small party for my new friends. I introduced everyone to each other and I would never have expected the worst to happen to me. After the party, Tina and Nate exchanged screen names and phone numbers.

Sophomore year began and I had finally accepted my crush on Nate. I saw all my friends and said my hellos and we all checked our schedules to see if we shared any of the same classes. Unfortunately, we didn’t but we shared the same lunch so it was fine with me.

I came up to Tina one day and she gave me an invitation to her birthday party. I smiled and gladly accepted it and promised to come. I read the invitation quickly and turned to her, she had pulled out a list of names, and I noticed that Nate’s name was on it. And there was a little red heart next to his name. Being curious, I asked her about it.

All she did was blush and giggled when I said his name. I hadn’t needed an answer from her then. I knew what that meant. They were both dating and she knew that I had a crush on him. I felt betrayed. It took me about a year to get myself to accept life and their relationship.

I didn’t tell her a thing about it and neither did I tell Nate. I didn’t want to ruin their lives and I cared about both of them. So, I kept silent and pretended that it never happened.

My junior year began and it was also the time that I started dating this guy I met the year before in my German class. I remember he always wore his orange shirt and blue jeans. Orange and blue were his colors. His name was Mark O’Neil.

He and I were fairly good friends before we started dating. And after about month, we admitted to each other that we loved each other on homecoming night. I thought I couldn’t be happier.

And right when I thought things were going well and that my ride was preparing to come to an end, Nate and Tina broke up. I knew Nate was going to break up with Tina and I had wanted to tell her that, but I didn’t. And I regret letting her feelings get hurt. I wanted to hate him for breaking her heart. But I was too occupied worrying about Tina and how she was going to do without him.

Right when I thought things were going well and that I was over Nate, my emotions decided to play games with me once again and I realized that I still had my crush on Nate. I wanted to beat myself for it. For still liking a man who broke my best friend’s heart.

And around this time, I was getting into fights with my current boyfriend, so I thought about making my move. I didn’t. I was too late and I let another girl get a hold of Nate before me. Again, it was a friend that knew that I was crushing on him. I totally ignored the two and just continued on my life and put up with my own boyfriend. It took me a while before I could trust Nate again.

Senior year came about and I was prepared to work harder and concentrate on school. I still kept in touch with Nate and Tina cause they were the only two I could trust. Mark was in my German class so I got to see him everyday. As for my friends, I never got to see them cause they were too busy or I was too busy studying; we didn’t have any of the same classes nor did we have the same lunch.

I finally got over Nate after I had told him around Christmas time that I still had a crush on him. After we talked for a few hours about it, I realized it wasn’t him I was crushing on. It was Tina.

I knew it was wrong. I knew it was forbidden by society, so why was I crushing on Tina and cared about her so much as if she were my girlfriend? I thought I was straight. It took me weeks to think about it. Mark doesn’t know about this and I plan on not ever telling him, but I feel I should because we share a promise. A promise to never lay eyes upon another and be disloyal to each other. I couldn’t take the mixed feelings anymore and I had to break up with him, so I did. I just hope I made the right decision.

Tina and I went to the mall just to hang out, just so she could cheer me up. It was just the two of us. As she drove, we got to talk about personal things that we never told any other. I got to tell her about my past and why I wanted to see a psychiatrist as soon as I got Insurance. I no longer had child care cause I was eighteen years of age. It was something I hadn’t told anyone else.

In return for telling one of my secrets, she told me a secret. She told me that she was dating a girl that I knew and told me she was a bisexual. Being the type of person to never tell a secret unless it was life threatening, I kept it to myself. I was shocked cause she was very religious and it was against her religion to be anything other than straight.

I wanted to tell her about my crush on her, but I’m afraid it’ll have an impact on our relationship as friends. I don’t want anything bad to happen. But I also don’t want to bottle up my feelings and take it out on myself and have the whole world worried about me.

I had to tell her somehow. I want to talk to her about it face to face...but with our work schedules, I doubt that will ever happen. So, I wrote a note to her.

“Dear Tina,

I honestly do not know how to explain what I want to tell you but I know I have to before things get harder for me. I feel it’s right for you to know about this and it’s a bit harder now that I know a few more things about you. This may have an impact on our relationship as friends, but I hope the worst doesn’t happen.

I hope the worst doesn’t happen and if it does, who knows what will happen to my emotional and mental stability... The only favor I ask of you for telling you all this... Please do not tell anyone about it. I have no idea what may happen if anyone else knew about this. Especially Mark...

We’ve been friends since freshman year of high school. We’ve had our ups and downs and we still made it through it all and remained friends until the end. Four years, we’ve been together and we’ve been through alot of things.

When you told me that you and Helen were dating, I was slightly saddened by it. But if you’re happy with her, I won’t interfere. Before, I thought that you and her became the best of friends and I was slightly jealous of you two. Now, I understand why you two were close.

This is difficult for me to absorb. You being bisexual and dating someone that I am friends with. I’m fine with it now that I’m used to it. Just as long as you’re happy... That’s all that I want cause I love seeing you smile and be happy with who you are and who you’re with.

I don’t think I’ve ever told you this. Or anyone... But I like you. Alot. When I’m with you, I feel alot more comfortable than being with Mark. I feel I can trust you more and do alot more. I don’t know why it had to happen to me at a time like this. And I’m pretty sure you knew that I liked you. But if you didn’t, I don’t mean to scare you or make you upset or anything. I would much rather kill myself than hurt you in any way possible. I remember hurting you once before. Damn, I really wanted to just disappear then. What I’d give to be Invisible Girl from that movie ‘Fantastic Four’ or Violet from ‘The Incredibles’. To just be invisible so no one could see me and let everyone be happy without me.

Just like before, I will let you decide on our fate as friends. I only want you to be happy. If you’re happy continuing to be friends with me, I’d be happy to stay as close friends and ‘sisters’. You’re practically the only person I trust aside from Nate. If you’re happier without ever knowing about this and avoiding me, I’ll be content with that as well. Just as long as you’re happy, I’m happy.

Telling you all this after four years of being friends... It’s taken a toll on my mental stability. And I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to tell you. But I wasn’t sure of everything and I was afraid of upsetting you again. I’m still afraid and it took me quite a few hours to gather my thoughts into writing all of this...

I hope to hear a reply soon. But if there’s no reply from you, then I understand your choice. I care alot about you, Tina. And I only want you to be happy.

Sincerely from your not-so-secret admirer,
Katie”


I kept it with me until I felt it was the right time to let her know. That time didn’t come soon enough for me. I was too impatient.

I drove by her house and dropped the note into her mailbox. Turning my head back, I look up to where her room was. I could feel the tears run down my face and I said under my breath... “I’m sorry. I have failed you.”

I then sped off, away from her house as fast as I could. Unfortunately, I was driving too fast under such horrible rainy conditions. I had hydroplaned down a big hill in her neighborhood and collided with another driver. I sat in my white Honda Civic, covered in blood and surprised that my airbag hadn’t taken effect when I collided with the other driver. I took the time to gather my last thoughts before anyone could get help.

I regret not letting her know soon enough. And I regret driving recklessly under hazardous conditions. I wanted to cry but I was quickly losing blood. My head had collided into the windshield and shards of glass not only made contact with my face but my entire body were covered in rainwater, glass, and blood. I didn’t know if it was just the rain or me dying...but I quickly felt really cold as if I were inside a refrigerator.

I wanted to see Tina again, but now that I had made the mistake of my life... I doubt I will ever see her again. If she knew about my feelings for her, would she reject me and ignore me for life? Or would she accept me and agree to stay as friends? What would the outcome have been? I wish I knew... But now I only wish that she is happy with whomever she chooses to be her lover.

“I love you, Tina,” I whispered to myself before everything went black.


Now, watching from above, I venture the clouds and kept my eye on one certain person. A certain person whom was there for me when I needed it and whom I had failed to confess the one thing I should have done long ago. I could tell she was happy with her new boyfriend. As I watched her from the clouds, I saw her look up towards me and smile. I know she can’t see me, but I smiled back. I knew exactly what she was thinking as I saw tears in her eyes. “I miss you too, Tina Turner...” I cried, happily.