Random Insanity Presents "Romeo and Juliet" - Scene 2

Random Insanity Presents "Romeo and Juliet" - Scene 2

SCENE 2 – Witches, Sugar Highs, and Bad Korean

[We open to a street in Prattville. Three WITCHES enter, cackling wickedly.]

WITCH 1: When shall we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, or in rain.

WITCH 2: When the hurly-burly’s done, when the battle’s lost and won.

WITCH 3: That will be ere the set of sun.

WITCH 1: Where the place --

CREOSOTE: (O.S.) Hey! What the bloody heck are you doing here?

[CREOSOTE enters.]

CREOSOTE: Don’t you start doing your play in our streets!

WITCH 1: Oh, please?

CREOSOTE: No! Now, bugger off!

[He reels back and vomits on the WITCHES. Muttering evil curses, they run off.]

CREOSOTE: Hmph! Now, come, Raymond!

[RAYMOND LUXURY-YACHT enters. He is wearing an enormous polystyrene nose, about a foot long.]

CREOSOTE: Now, blah-blah-blah, I hate the Blackitts. So, you want to marry my daughter?

RAYMOND: That’s right, yeah…

CREOSOTE: But she’s only fourteen years old! You pervert!

RAYMOND: Oh, come on. It’s only the fourteenth century. Morality doesn’t even exist!

CREOSOTE: True. Hey, I’m hosting a party tonight! Wanna come?

RAYMOND: What’s your daughter wearing?

CREOSOTE: I don’t know. Red dress, I think.

RAYMOND: Silk?

CREOSOTE: Yeah.

RAYMOND: I’ll be there.

CREOSOTE: Okay! (takes out paper and pencil) I’ll put you on the list… Raymond Luxury-Yacht…

RAYMOND: That’s not my name.

CREOSOTE: …Oh, sorry. Raymond Luxury-Yach-t…

RAYMOND: No, no. It’s spelt “Luxury-Yacht”, but it’s pronounced “Throatwobbler Mangrove”.

CREOSOTE: …You’re a very silly man and I just decided not to invite you.

RAYMOND: …Aha! Anti-Semitism!

CREOSOTE: Not at all! It’s not even a real nose! (pulls off RAYMOND’S false nose) See? It’s polystyrene!

RAYMOND: Give me my nose back!

CREOSOTE: No. Now go away.

RAYMOND: I want to be on television!

CREOSOTE: Well, you can’t. (throws nose offscreen)

[RAYMOND chases the nose offscreen.]

CREOSOTE: Now, to send out the invitations. Servant!

[The SERVANT enters. He is a grubby man, hunched over, with his left hand replaced by a wheel.]

CREOSOTE: Deliver these invitations. I must attend to the decorations!

[He waddles off, whistling “I’ve got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts”. The SERVANT grumbles as he looks over the list. DANIEL and TYLER enter, jumping up and down. They are carrying cups in their hands, and cappuccino is splashing out. They are both on sugar highs.]

DANIEL & TYLER: (singing “99 Red Balloons” in German) 99 Luftballons! Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont…

[They fail to notice the SERVANT until they have hopped upon him. With a grunt he is crushed under their weights.]

TYLER: OH-MY-GOSH-DANIEL-THIS-CAPPUCCINO-IS-SO-GREAT-WOW-I-AM-SO-HYPER-ARE-YOU-AS-HYPER-AS-I-AM!?

DANIEL: YES-TYLER-I-AM-AS-HYPER-AS-YOU-ARE-BUT-I-THINK-WE-CRUSHED-THIS-POOR-MAN-WITH-THE-WHEEL-IN-PLACE-OF-HIS-HAND!!!

TYLER: DO-YOU-THINK-WE-OUGHT-TO-HELP-HIM-UP!?

DANIEL: YEAH-LET’S-DO-THAT!!! Right after the air stops breathing…

DANIEL & TYLER: (laughing giddily)

SERVANT: (grumbles)

DANIEL: Hey, look at this! (steals invitations from SERVANT)

TYLER: What is it?

DANIEL: …Mr. Creosote’s having a party! But he didn’t invite us…

TYLER: …Daniel. Creosote is our mortal enemy.

DANIEL: Nonsense! He’s been so nice to me in the past…

[A flashback occurs. A younger DANIEL knocks on CREOSOTE’S front door. CREOSOTE opens the door and looks down at DANIEL, who holds up a box of cookies.]

DANIEL: Hi, Mr. C! Wanna buy some cookies?

[CREOSOTE blinks. He then vomits on DANIEL and closes the door. DANIEL stands at the door, still smiling. CREOSOTE returns, takes the cookies, and leaves. The flashback ends.]

TYLER: See, Daniel? What do you think about the Creosotes now?

DANIEL: (thinking) Hmmm… How many licks does it take to get to the center of the Tootsie Pop?

TYLER: Hey! I just got a great idea! Let’s crash the Creosotes’ party tonight, egg their house, grab a few shrimp, and harass the help! What do you say?

DANIEL: (thinking) Hmmm… I, too, like eggs and shrimp… (out loud) Okay, sounds like fun!

(They begin to walk away from the SERVANT, who promptly bursts in to flames.)

TYLER: It’ll do you some good. Maybe then you’ll stop obsessing over that history teacher.

DANIEL: PATRICK HENRY!

TYLER: …God help me.

[They exit.]

[Cut to a hall in CREOSOTE’S house. SHEILA and HAE JIN enter.]

SHEILA: Ahem… (talks in strange gibberish, trying to imitate Korean as close as possible; this is pitifully done)

HAE JIN: (blinks) …Madam?

SHEILA: …Sorry. Anyway, have you seen my daughter?

HAE JIN: She’s in her bedroom. The door’s locked, though.

SHEILA: Foolish girl! What could she possibly be doing? REBECCA!

[Cut to REBECCA’S bedroom; all the lights are dimmed, save for several candles placed around the room. REBECCA is sitting in the center of a star drawn on the floor; dressed completely in black with creepy face makeup, she is staring, dazed, at the ceiling.]

REBECCA: (muttering in an ancient, scary language)

SHEILA: (O.S.) REBECCA!

REBECCA: Darn it.

[She jumps up, blows out all the candles, covers the star with a rug, and throws a robe over herself.]

SHEILA: REBECCA! Don’t make me get the dead parrot!

[REBECCA jumps onto the bed and begins to brush a doll’s hair.]

REBECCA: Come in!

[SHEILA and HAE JIN enter (yes, I know it was locked, but just use your imagination).]

REBECCA: Hi, Mom.

SHEILA: Dear, I think it’s time we had a talk. (sits down next to REBECCA) Honey, you are reaching that age where your body will go through some strange --

REBECCA: Mom, we’ve had that talk before.

SHEILA: Have we?

REBECCA: Yes. And no, I still don’t want to be a famous porn star like you were at my age.

SHEILA: …Darn. Anyway, dear, I have some good news for you. Raymond Luxury-Yacht has asked your father if he has permission to marry you.

REBECCA: The guy with the nose? Ewww!!!

SHEILA: Oh, what’s wrong with him? He’s handsome, he’s rich, he’s got a huge…nose!

REBECCA: I know… But I want the man I marry to have a certain…special…something…

(Impromptu music plays as REBECCA opens her mouth to sing. HAE JIN promptly slaps her, and the music stops.)

SHEILA: You’re not going into a song while I’m here. Now, I’m sorry dear, but your father and I are going to ignore your needs and morality, so you’d better get used to the idea.

(She and HAE JIN exit. REBECCA looks sadly out the window. The music starts again, and REBECCA opens her mouth to sing. SHEILA runs back in.)

SHEILA: Knock that off!

(She goes back outside, where HAE JIN is waiting.)

HAE JIN: ‘He’s got a big nose’? I hope Madam was not overdoing it last night.

SHEILA: …Shut up!




(Also to clear up confusion: the 3 witches at the beginning are supposed to be from Shakespeare's other play, "Macbeth")