Everybody loves you when you're beautiful...

Everybody loves you when you're beautiful...

Fingers running faintly over flesh. Eyes closed tight.

“Feel that?”

“Yes.” A whisper in the dark. Hands moving lower, caressing the stomach, sweet ecstasy, every nerve tingling. Softly murmured sighs of delight.

“How does it feel?”

“Good.” A moan. “Wonderful.” Legs tangled in the sheets. Light touches, lower, lower, over silky thighs, passing that one, burning spot, just by inches.

“Do you want more? Tell me.”

“Oh...yes....ah...” Twisting in pleasure, head pressing back into the pillow. “Please...” Playing, teasing, each moment, hands finally finding their way back up, finding that one place, caressing, grasping, faster, moans and sighs drawn from between parted lips, until finally, release. Gasps of breath escaping, entire body falling back against the bed. And then, opening eyes and the sudden, painful awareness; no one is there. And the hands, the whispers, they’re all yours.

Kurama gazed up at the darkened ceiling of his room, sweat covering his skin, his breathing heavy. He brought his sticky hand up and looked at it, the human part of him ashamed, the Youko amused. He struggled to his feet and made his way slowly to the bathroom. He turned on the facet, cold water washing over his hands as he scrubbed away all evidence of his self-pleasure.

The icy tiled floor stung Shuichi’s bare feet, but he ignored it, as he ignored everything else. The Youko was laughing while the human cried. Silver wrapped around and conquered red, like a rose crushed in a cruel fist, petals falling to the floor, bleeding crimson.

“Scream if you want to...”

Kurama turned off the water and looked up, staring blankly at his reflection in the mirror. His beautiful red hair was damp and clinging to his skin. That always meant something to the Youko. Beauty.

“You must be beautiful. Everyone will love you.”

Ignore it. Think of something else. Him. Think of him. A picture of Hiei filled his thoughts and he smiled.

“Pretty red eyes, huh? Fiery. I bet he tastes good.”

Pretend you don’t hear. Still, there’s the shame. Shame of the thoughts...

“You want his hands on you. You want him to fuck you.”

“I’m not like you...”

“No, you aren’t. You‘re a coward.”

“I just want love.”

“I love you.” Laughing.

Silence. Twisted thoughts. Wrong. All wrong. “I hate you.”

“You love me.”

Not true. It’s not true. “You make me do things I don’t want to do. You make me feel things I don’t want to feel.” Blood. Death. All your fault!

“You like it. Admit it.”

“No! I don’t like it. I--I wish you had just died! Why couldn’t you have chosen someone else?”

“You were beautiful. When you’re beautiful, everyone loves you.”

“Well, I don’t. I hate you, and I hate me, and I hate...I hate everything beautiful!”

“You hate him, then?”

A pause. No, that wasn’t true at all. Hiei was beautiful, but... I don’t hate him...I...

“You love him.”

“Leave me alone.”

Silent laughing. “You want me to go away?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t go away. Not just yet. Not until you’re dead.”

“Then I’ll just die!” Hold back the tears. Crying inside, in secret, is better.

“And how will you do that? Kill yourself?” Laughter. “As if I would ever let you. I control you.”

“You don’t control me. You need me. Without me, you’d be nothing. You’d be dead!” I wish I was never born.

Shuichi blinked at the person in the mirror, the person with the long red hair, the pretty green eyes, the soft skin. “This isn’t me.”

“Of course it’s you. Who else could it be? It certainly isn‘t me.”

“No. Not you. You’re ugly.” Inside.

“I am? That’s not a nice thing to say.”

Kurama’s hand moved to touch his face, his lips. Shuichi shook his head. “No. Leave me alone.”

“What would you be without me? Just a pretty boy, with no one to play with...”

The tears left damp trails down Kurama’s face. Shuichi wiped at them futilely. He sniffled and laid his hand on the bathroom counter. His fingers hit metal and he looked down. A razor knife lay on the white counter. Probably left there accidentally by the workers who had put in the new tile floor. He picked it up. It was sharp still, the blade hardly used.

“Throw it away.”

“Why should I listen to you?” Shuichi whispered. The tears fell onto the knife.

Shuichi brought the blade up to his left wrist and pressed it against the soft flesh there.

“Just put it away. You think I’ll let you kill yourself?” But the soundless voice seemed nervous.

“You can’t tell me what to do. You don’t have as much power as you think. This is my body; you said so. If I really want to, if I really try, I can do anything.” He pushed the sharp razor down, slicing a small cut into his skin. A droplet of blood trickled down his arm.

“You’re very foolish. Only cowardly people kill themselves.”

“Oh? Didn’t you just say I was a coward, minutes ago?” The knife slid deeper. Any moment now it would a major blood vessel and then... The blood dropped onto the white counter, rolling into the sink, down the drain.

“You are. You’re a coward! Death isn’t good enough for you.” For some reason the tears were falling faster now, mingling with the blood, washing it away.

“Are you crying?”

“Only cowards cry.”

“You ran away once. Doesn’t that make you a coward?” Blood on the new tile...

“I didn’t want to die. I wasn’t supposed to die. I am Youko Kurama! I couldn’t be killed by some...some hunter!”

“But you were.”

“Oh? Then how am I talking right now? Fool.”

“I don’t hear anything. It’s all in my head. If I die it will go away, you know.”

“If you die, I’ll just be myself again. I’ll be Youko again! Go ahead and do it! I don’t care!”

“But won’t you miss me?” Shuichi grinned as the razor cut into a vein and a gush of crimson blood sprayed onto the mirror, the white floor, the white sink, the white walls.

“No! Idiot!” More tears.

“Funny,” Shuichi whispered. “Both blood and tears taste the same.”

Kurama collapsed onto the blood-covered floor, the knife still clutched into his fist. Tears flooded his vision. “I’m sorry,” Shuichi said suddenly, weeping.

“No,” Youko interrupted, raising a hand to brush away the blood and tears on Shuichi’s face. “It’s my fault.”

Shuichi smiled for a moment. “You just wanted to live. I wish I would have been better for you. You just picked the wrong person, I guess. And you were right...” the boy managed to choke out. “I did love you.
For a moment. Because, you know...”

Everybody loves you when you’re BEAUTIFUL….