Shoes

Shoes

Shoes are marvelous. Or aren’t they?

Shoe is an aspect of interest to society and/or to myself (or rather Shoes) which I have strong feelings about (or rather don’t). “What are these things that are always following me?” I questioned myself one day and decided to do a survey.

I found myself on Pitt Street. One of the prime sources for all Shoe Lovers. They were everywhere. They were even on the streets, in tall buildings, revolving restaurants and in tree branches. [Note to self: survey Ape Shoe Lovers]. The first person in this Human Shoe Lovers Survey and Non Ape Society to be surveyed was a young girl. She struck me as being very clever for her age. I pointed to her shoes and asked what her theories were of them.
“These? I love ‘em! Aren’t they spiffy?”

I nodded with a vague smile and moved on. If only I knew what spiffy meant. I just presumed to assume she was clever as her vocabulary seemed larger than mine. I decided not to press the matter further incase she would attack my precious mindful dictionary again. The second survey person I could survey, which I did, was a rather tall man with more hair than a dog that resembles a mop that resembles a dog. I asked the man my ultimate question of “What do you suppose these things are that are always following us or in this case you around?”
He seemed to make the gesture of scratching his head without moving at all. His eyes seemed to blink several times at me in heavy confusion. He looked down at his feet then back at me then back down at his fee. “Do you think they’re still alive...?”
This time I followed his gaze down and realized he had these two giant skinned rats tied to each of his ankles by the tails.

In no time at all I was at the other end of Pitt St, staring at the ground, making sure everyone else had similar to mine, non dead animals stuck to their feet. My eyes finally feasted upon some delightful brown pair of shoes. I found the victim of the shoes to be a tall lady. Yes, just a tall lady. I was curious if I was the only one who didn’t wear dead animals on my feet so I asked. “Do you wear dead animals on you feet?”
She slapped me. Then she proceeded to call me a hypocrite and stormed off. This is another one of those golden moments where I need that trusty dictionary.

After that survey in the city I’ve decided to take a less... intimate and or intimidating approach. Now I am at my comfy desk, after clearing it to one side (and no, it’s not crap, mother! I wish you would just leave me alone. I’m 37 now. Hah! I’ve published this now so I’ll have public support!)... where was I? Yes. I am now at my comfy desk, in my own lovely apartment, and no matter what my mother says it’s lovely. And safe. So now I shall write about some facts on shoes.

Shoes are so inspirational. I mean, all they do is follow us around, or more likely we follow them around.. or neither… as the song goes, which I will demonstrate. It’s such a lovely song. It can be considered very romantic as well, full of harmony and a delightful melody. People from all over can get together and sing this romantic song. From children’s voices to the dying old man who’s living in your fridge because you cant afford to freeze him. The song goes like this...

Heel and toe
Heel and toe
Slide, slide, slide, slide

Heel and toe
Heel and toe
Slide, slide, slide, slide

[Due to the anti-gloves committee we apologies for being unable to present to you the rest of the song.]

... Ok, so the song doesn’t mention shoes or how much people love them. But in a survey of 1 out of 1 people in this very establishment the majority of people wear shoes for this song. Thus confirming my point that shoes are very inspirational.

Shoes are also a wonderful thing for making one change their appearance. They’ve been given such high regarded names all over the world. High-healed shoes were originally called... I’ve forgotten now, but I know it was in really high regards! (F-Me Shoes). And if people want to become taller they can pick up those 10-inch heels at any Comforts Shoe’s shoe store near you! Or rather them. No, I’m not being paid at all for writing this article... and no those Chinese ladies didn’t really have serious feet problems after their stylized shoes. Geeze. There’s so much lying going on in the media these days. Good thing you can always depend on Comfort Shoes’ shoes. They’re the only thing that’s really sturdy. And remember all heals love a good soul and that soul is you.

{NEXT ISSUE: Desk. The Desk.}

[Anti-Mother Pro Organized Desk Through Large Mound of Stuff That Looks Like Crap Which It Isn’t Foundation: GPO Box 374 Sydney, The Big Desk.]