Happy Halloween From Mii

by DarkRyuukin

in Completed Works

< 'I'm So Sick' by DarkRyuukin

Happy Halloween From Mii

Mii watched the sky intently, staring directly at the moon. Her tail twitched happily as she drank her tea. Every year at the same time, all the demons of the world would get to be themselves, or rather, we forced to whether they liked it or not. Fortunately she had a demon form that she simply adored. She loved to scare people; to see the terror in their faces and smell the fear in their gasping breath. Just thinking about it made her want to howl, but she stayed quiet as she awaited for midnight. She sipped her tea casually until she heard the large clocktower nearby start to ring. She grinned as she counted each dark bells toll.
"One... two... I'm going to get you... three... four... I think I want some more... five... six... yes some think me sick.... seven... eight... I'm gonna change at this rate... nine... ten... better lock up your hens... eleven... twelve... cuz here comes your personal hell!" she said slowly, grinning madly the whole time. Her tail grew in size and she let out a yelp in pain. Her muzzle lengthened and horns ripped their way through her skull to reveal their onyx black curves. Long black demon wings shot out of her back; their claws stretching out to their full length. Black fur grew over her entire body as she also grew in size. Her eyes flashed red with slitted pupils; where there used to be white there was now only black. She let out a long howl as her fangs grew in size growing over her mouth. She looked at her claws which were much larger in size, and allowed her now black and forked tongue to flick out in excitement.
"Now to go to town," she said darkly, laughing to herself. She ran with her long powerful legs and lept into the air to test out her wings. She was about to fly to town when she saw her good friend Alexna. Her tail twitched eagerly in anticipation and she landed quietly behind a tree. Now on this night very few of her memories remained so friends quite often became prey.
"Damnit! Why did I decide to go this way? Its so much more difficult! Damnit damnit damnit!" Alexna muttered to herself, only to unknowingly let the demon hear her better.
Mii's tail twitched again happily. She lept out at Alexna and roared in her face; her spit hitting Alexna in the face and her drool landing on the ground. She was so hungry for blood, but that didn't mean she wouldn't play with her food first. Alexna let out a scream but Mii slashed her across the face with her claws in an attempt to shut her up. It worked and Alexna just wimpered as she backed away. She clearly could recognize Mii despite the transformation.
"Whats wrong, are you finally afraid of me?" Mii said in a creepily sing song voice. There was no reply of any kind from her prey so she angrily grunted.
"Fine, its not like your reply would have helped you any, I can smell your fear," Mii said letting her tongue flick out again. Alexna was absolutely terrified, but not about to give up without a fight. She kicked Mii hard in the stomach, hoping it would hurt her friend as badly as she knew it did before. Mii just growled a bit at the annoyance and continued moving closer until Alexna was up against a tree. Alexna's face was bleeding and as the blood hit the ground, Mii's eyes lit up.
"God... such fresh blood... I hope you know I can't let you live after seeing that. Oh no no no no, your simply too much of a easy target," Mii grinned at her friend sinisterly. She knew Alexna would fight back or climb up the tree so she slit her throat with her claws and waited for her to fall over before feasting.
> Rage
Mature

Warning! This submission may contain mature content.

Description

Mature Oct 30th 2009
Tags:
creepy demon fight halloween midnight
Views:
22
Comments:
1
Score:
1
Favorites:
0
._.' Jesus, I certainly hope this doesn't make you guys think I have issues. I've just always wanted to write something sinisterish... so here goes? And I'm sorry to my friend that I'm using in this story, you rock! I just needed someone to use -shrugs-

Say hello to that form I drew for vent art~ Mature I guess -shrugs- First thing I think I've ever submitted that was under that catigory. Also yeah the song part.... kinda influenced by Nightmare on Elms Street....

Comments

Thanael Says:

Just a couple of editing errors, and a couple of wording suggestions;

"She grinned as she counted each dark bells toll." would be better as "She grinned as she counted each dark toll of the bell." and even better with some more spice instead of the grinning thing "With each dark toll of the bell she grew more excited" or "Her anticipation grew with each dark toll of the bell"

"or rather, we forced to whether they liked it or not." should be "or rather, WERE forced to whether they liked it or not."

"Alexna let out a scream but Mii slashed her across the face with her claws" would flow better as "Alexna let out a scream AND Mii slashed her across the face with her claws" - it would be further improved with "Alexna screamed in fright. Reflexively Mii slashed at her face to stop the sound..."

"Mii said in a creepily sing song voice" change it to "Mii said in a sing song voice" - the reader will already think that's a tad creepy. Telling them it's creepy is unnecessary and annoying.

"your simply too much of a easy target" everyone seems to have trouble with your and you're. Your is for ownership; your cup, your house, your face. You're is "you are" shortened. "You are too easy a target" not "You own too easy a target".

The ending was VERY anticlimactic. It was over so quickly I had to reread it to catch what happened. Instead of "She knew Alexna blah blah" maybe have something more... fun. "Overcome by a blood fueled frenzy she lashed out at Alexna with her claws...." then you could go on about how savage the attack was and how Alexna didn't suffer for long because she was torn to shreds. Or something.

If Mii is in a sort of bestial state of mind having lost her memories and being driven out on a rampage looking for blood, shouldn't she be a little less chatty, or at least, a little less eloquent? I know nothing about this creature, or the transformation process, so I'm just running on assumptions I made with implications earlier in the story but I think dialog like; "Sssscared little meat? No answer? I EAT YOU ANYWAY!" "BLEEDING! Smells so sweet! So defenseless!" would be a bit more suitable than the dialog you have.

At least change the "finally afraid of me" part. You implied earlier that Mii would have to forget who her friends were before she would attack them (Now on this night very few of her memories remained so friends quite often became prey); if Mii is attacking her friend Alexna she must have forgotten who Alexna is, and saying something like "finally afraid" implies she remembers a previous encounter with Alexna, if she remembers Alexna, and is friends with Alexna, she shouldn't be attacking Alexna.