In a regular old house somewhere in Malindar a poor family sits by a small fire listening to the radio.
Announcer: "The blizzard still continues to attack the peaceful town of Atmos. The temperature is now at an all time low at a record breaking -11 degrees."
A small child then enters the area where the rest of the family are enjoying the rest of the heat. "Mommy when will the snow stop falling cause I'm cold" the small child barely gets out the sentence.
"James I don't know when the snow will stop falling but I know it will be soon" says the mother trying to comfort her child.
Somwhere in the blizzard....
"TAI!!!!!!! TAI!!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU GURL?!?!?!?!?!?!" The small female racoon yelled.
"TAI!!!!!! IF YOUR PLAYIN GAMES AGAIN I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!!!"
"Damn Tai where are you" the raccon says to herself "Damn for it to be so cold I'm so tired" She then goes of to look for somewhere to rest. While she searches she comes upon a large rock looking figure covered in snow. MMMM!!! MFLAAAUUHAAA!!!!! "What the.." she stops catching herself. "What is that sound??" As she tries to figure out what the strange sound is the rock moves a little. The raccon jumps up and off the thing as it rises. As the snow falls off she can just barly make out the hour glass figure of her friend Tai.
"TAI!!!!! I've been looking for you for hours why did yo POW!!!!!!!!!! "WHY THE HELL WERE YOU SITTING ON ME RACOONIA!!!! "I...I ... I di" "SHUT UP IT DOESN'T EVE- IT'S SNOWING!!!!!!
You've got a good start to a story here--the storm is a great way to grab attention and make people wonder what's going on/what's going to happen .
Just a few pretty technical things, nothing to do with your actual storytelling ability:
1. Dialogue
When someone speaks, the punctuation looks like this:
"James I don't know when the snow will stop falling but I know it will be soon," says the mother - aka, there is a comma before the end quote. However, in cases like this:
"Mommy when will the snow stop falling cause I'm cold." The small child barely gets out the sentence. - you will need to use a period because the sentence has ended and does not include a dialogue tag (any version of "said/says/etc").
Also, whenever a new person starts speaking, make a new paragraph. So when the mother answers the child, it should not be in the same paragraph.
2. Exclamation points
You only need one. End of story. Combining exclamation points (?!) and question marks is kind of a no-no and generally you can use one or the other. AKA, "WHERE ARE YOU GURL?" the small female raccoon yelled - because she yelled it, you don't really need to add ! to the end of the sentence.
3. Caps lock
Again, not really necessary. How often do you see all caps in books?
4. MMMM!!! MFLAAAUUHAAA!!!!!
Either turn this into dialogue, with quotes, or change it to a sentence something like, "Something beneath her made muffled shouting noises."
There are lots of sites on the web that will help you with this sort of thing, but basically, just take a look in any published book and note how they do things--that's how it's done.
Sorry I'm such an asshole, but you'll get more respect and WAY more reads that way. Good luck with your story!
... O-o As it's been stressed, Purple Cloud has pretty much stated aloud the constructive criticism I was going to give... It took me several days to look at this thing, fully digest what I was looking at and then finally sigh to realize that I had some work to do. *cracks knuckles* Time to do that...
Well, to start with, I suggest you start breaking up the whole paragraph of text. You've used the quotation marks, which separates things a little, but as far as I'm concerned, the lack of spacing (hitting enter) pretty much makes it an eyesore. As Purple Cloud said, put in who's speaking and space out the paragraphs (as explained in the Dialogue topic above). Not only will this make the read a lot easier to understand but it'll also make it neater.
O_O" The exclamation points... One per sentence. Please. Unless someone's using a microphone or something incredibly loud that can induce the usage of several exclamation points, use only one. Otherwise, you can simply enhance one's voice by means of the description afterward.
i.e. he bellowed, he yelled, he outbursts
I don't mind the usage of capital letters, but if we're going to be writing moderately great, then we can't be abusing them (Caps lock case). Much like the exclamation points, it's something that shouldn't be used as a relay to enhance one's sound of voice. One exclamation point pretty much covers that. If someone can't seem to hear them in the story, say it.
i.e. "Tai!" The young raccoon called to her childhood friend, as she battled against the snow, "Tai! Where are you, girl?!" the raccoon called, even louder than before. However, despite her calls, it appeared that the young raccoon could not hear her.
"Tai, if you're playing games again, I'm going to kill you!"
I've pretty much applied all I've said to this one statement in the story you wrote. As you can see, you can pretty much picture what's happening during the story.
However, on a good note, the story has quite a bit of potential, since it's still in it's beginning stage. You've only done about one or two parts, right? It can still go in any direction, at this point. This I'm looking forward to.
Also for the criticism, I hope I didn't seem to harsh, but I'm also looking for improvement. =/ In all honesty, I HATE stories like this (I mean, not well written at all, has a s***load of spelling mistakes, etc.), but since you asked me to review it, I tried to be a unrelenting brutal as physically possible.
Comments
pur plec loud Says:
You've got a good start to a story here--the storm is a great way to grab attention and make people wonder what's going on/what's going to happen
.
Sorry I'm such an asshole, but you'll get more respect and WAY more reads that way. Good luck with your story!
Just a few pretty technical things, nothing to do with your actual storytelling ability:
1. Dialogue
When someone speaks, the punctuation looks like this:
"James I don't know when the snow will stop falling but I know it will be soon," says the mother - aka, there is a comma before the end quote. However, in cases like this:
"Mommy when will the snow stop falling cause I'm cold." The small child barely gets out the sentence. - you will need to use a period because the sentence has ended and does not include a dialogue tag (any version of "said/says/etc").
Also, whenever a new person starts speaking, make a new paragraph. So when the mother answers the child, it should not be in the same paragraph.
2. Exclamation points
You only need one. End of story. Combining exclamation points (?!) and question marks is kind of a no-no and generally you can use one or the other. AKA, "WHERE ARE YOU GURL?" the small female raccoon yelled - because she yelled it, you don't really need to add ! to the end of the sentence.
3. Caps lock
Again, not really necessary. How often do you see all caps in books?
4. MMMM!!! MFLAAAUUHAAA!!!!!
Either turn this into dialogue, with quotes, or change it to a sentence something like, "Something beneath her made muffled shouting noises."
There are lots of sites on the web that will help you with this sort of thing, but basically, just take a look in any published book and note how they do things--that's how it's done.
Tau22 Says:
Generally, I'd agree with my mate Purple above, heheh.
Also, I'd add a few more descriptions of her surroundings and such. Like how the cold affected her and stuff.
Arctic Master Says:
... O-o As it's been stressed, Purple Cloud has pretty much stated aloud the constructive criticism I was going to give... It took me several days to look at this thing, fully digest what I was looking at and then finally sigh to realize that I had some work to do. *cracks knuckles* Time to do that...
Well, to start with, I suggest you start breaking up the whole paragraph of text. You've used the quotation marks, which separates things a little, but as far as I'm concerned, the lack of spacing (hitting enter) pretty much makes it an eyesore. As Purple Cloud said, put in who's speaking and space out the paragraphs (as explained in the Dialogue topic above). Not only will this make the read a lot easier to understand but it'll also make it neater.
O_O" The exclamation points... One per sentence. Please. Unless someone's using a microphone or something incredibly loud that can induce the usage of several exclamation points, use only one. Otherwise, you can simply enhance one's voice by means of the description afterward.
i.e. he bellowed, he yelled, he outbursts
I don't mind the usage of capital letters, but if we're going to be writing moderately great, then we can't be abusing them (Caps lock case). Much like the exclamation points, it's something that shouldn't be used as a relay to enhance one's sound of voice. One exclamation point pretty much covers that. If someone can't seem to hear them in the story, say it.
i.e. "Tai!" The young raccoon called to her childhood friend, as she battled against the snow, "Tai! Where are you, girl?!" the raccoon called, even louder than before. However, despite her calls, it appeared that the young raccoon could not hear her.
"Tai, if you're playing games again, I'm going to kill you!"
I've pretty much applied all I've said to this one statement in the story you wrote. As you can see, you can pretty much picture what's happening during the story.
However, on a good note, the story has quite a bit of potential, since it's still in it's beginning stage. You've only done about one or two parts, right? It can still go in any direction, at this point. This I'm looking forward to.
Also for the criticism, I hope I didn't seem to harsh, but I'm also looking for improvement. =/ In all honesty, I HATE stories like this (I mean, not well written at all, has a s***load of spelling mistakes, etc.), but since you asked me to review it, I tried to be a unrelenting brutal as physically possible.