Crying Through Bloodshot Eyes

Crying Through Bloodshot Eyes

Crying Through Bloodshot Eyes
By Hope Geiter

She’s tired of holding back. She can’t imagine a time where she wasn’t depressed. She has no good to dwell on. She runs upstairs and slams her door behind her, jumping onto her bed. She’s crying her eyes out over him again, and she hates herself for it. She tells herself everyday that she doesn’t need him. She thinks she can move on and live without him. But every time she sees him with her she falls back into her lonely sense of weakness.
This is the story of a girl trying to get through a tough life without the man who is supposed to be the most important one in her life.
She wonders ‘Did I ever really know him? Did he ever really know me?’ She knows the answer to both questions. She cries and yells and kicks and screams. She wants to know what she did wrong. Was she not perfect enough? Was she too different? Was she just not enough? She needs to know what she did to make him leave so maybe he’ll come back.
She is told not to blame herself but she can’t help but think that it’s her fault. It’s her problem so she needs to take action to fix it. She worries that she can’t fix it. It’s been 12 years… Why would he come back now?
She thinks all alone in her room. She is considering all the things he managed to do before he left. He slapped her, her sister and brother. He hurt their mom emotionally. He made issues that could never be fixed. Not even Gods’ will could make everything better. She wonders why she wants him back in the first place. Why does she miss the horrible treatment and the sense of loneliness she could never explain? Why does she want that back?
She honestly and truly wants everything to be better; for everything to suddenly improve. The bills would get paid and she could buy new clothes whenever she needed them. But most of all if everything was better; he’d still be in her life. And that’s what she always wanted.
The only problem is she doesn’t want him back. She wants the guy she pictures him as at night back. He cannot be that guy. She’ll never get the man she’s always wanted. She can’t stand that the perfect guy is in her dreams, and in her dreams he will stay locked away. She starts sobbing again as she pictures him holding her in his arms when she is in pain… The pain he caused her is being healed by him. It’s fantastic in its craziness and simplicity! But then the reality seeps into her mind and she begins to cry harder and turns to grab her pillow.
As she cries on her pillow she realizes that crying over him really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. She decides that pretending can only do so much. She reaches under her bed and grabs the laptop. Once she sits up some and places it on her lap, she begins to type. Her fingers moving across the keyboard at unknown speed, with unknown strength. As her hands and fingers begin to become one with the keyboard she flows to the music only she can hear. He can’t hurt her while she’s in her world… Not when she’s writing.
What is she writing? She doesn’t know, but she can feel herself being relinquished from the binds that held her. She is feeling better. She isn’t hurting anymore, there is no more pain. As she finishes her writing she begins to read over what she has typed.
She slowly and carefully reads each line. And it is with each line she begins to cry. At first just a tear streaking her porcelain face. Then as she reads more she begins to cry harder, it’s more sobbing than anything at the moment. She then remembers why she was writing in the first place. She tosses the computer off her lap and she tumbles to the ground sobbing and screaming ‘WHY!? Why can’t anyone answer me that?! Why!?’ She is in pain and the sadly familiar sense of loneliness creeps in on her as it always does.
She doesn’t know why she wants him back but she does, desperately. She needs him in her life no matter how much she lies to everyone –including herself- saying she doesn’t. He is an important part of her life, even though he isn’t in it. She needs him and misses him terribly. She wants that man in her life. She can’t comprehend why the hell she would, why anyone would but she needs him.
Sure she wouldn’t be the person she is today if he was in her life, but she doesn’t care. Sure she’d be weaker and co-dependent, but that’s ok. She wouldn’t have the same friends and she wouldn’t be who she is but she would have him and that’s all that mattered.
She needs him back. She wants to feel whole again. Without him she can’t be whole. It’s simple as that. She doesn’t need a reason to want him back. She simply wants him back. She knows anyone else would’ve left him in the dust but she isn’t anyone.
She wants her daddy back.