OJ's Flirting Tips for Second Graders

OJ's Flirting Tips for Second Graders

Goddess. That was the only word that seemed to capture the young girl's beauty. With her long blonde pigtails and rosy red cheeks that would make Santa Claus green, she shined with something those small 2nd grade boys noticed. Lengthy frilly dresses that seemed to bounce with each little step her feet took, the occasional bow peeking out from her hair; there were almost too many things to admire about this perfection of good looks sitting at the front of the classroom. Despite the endless rants of "girls are icky," a few of them had been daring enough to talk to the lass without feeling infected by the dreaded fictional disease of cooties. Their admiration for her had been taken to a level none of the 7-year-old 2nd graders had seen before. Some would wonder how boys, at such a small age, could realize anything of girls. And it wasn't just all of them either! No, it was Cassie Mae. What was so mesmerizing about this girl? Even the boys themselves weren't sure, but Noah tried to put it in words.

"She just real purdy."

Truth be told, he’d had a crush on little miss Cassie Mae himself. At first he was confused. Boys and girls? Hanging out? That was gross! But now that idea was warming up to him, and he found himself making excuses just to get her to look his way. Drop a pencil here, throw a paper airplane there, anything to get those blue eyes peeking his way. And, wow, when she did! He would just sit there frozen, red as ever, franticly thinking of what he could say. Usually she just stared at him like he was a freak and turned around. What a great impression, Noah!

Obviously, the poor boy didn’t stand a chance next to the other guys who actually said things to her. Out of desperation, he gathered his courage and went to his best friend Orangejello for advice, since OJ seemed to always know what to do when it came to the subject of ladies.

“See,” his friend had explained with a knowing smirk, as if he were a professional, “girls gotta notice you. Then they know you like ‘em and they like you back! Just mess with her. Take her stuff or trip her or something. Be kinda mean. She’ll notice you then!”

Noah had been skeptical of this knowledge, but as inexperienced and naïve as he was, he took it to heart. So, the next day at school, when the bell rang for recess and the children filed out into the playground, he looked right for his little lady of interest. Sure enough, there she was, frilly white dress and all, in the sandbox; hunched over in the sand tracing figures that looked to some extent like stick people with a twig.

With an assurance of “go on” by a giggling OJ, Noah made his way toward sweet Cassie Mae with a confident smile and a spring in his step. This was it! He was going to get her to notice him, and everything would turn out perfect! He could imagine just sitting by her or sharing his lunch with her. It was unheard of at their age (minus OJ, but he stepped about every boundary that came in his way), but he would do it. And he would love her and cherish her and they’d get married and he’d take her fishing and…

“H-hey, Cassie,” he muttered as he walked over, standing in front of her, unsure of how to go about “being mean” to her. She wasn’t walking, so tripping wasn’t an option. Glancing back at the bearer of his girl advice, he found OJ near the monkey bars, motioning his hands to urge him on.

Cassie Mae stood up on her feet as her classmate came forward, looking up with a grin and dusting off her dress. Noah grinned with a thought. Yes, this was perfect! He had the perfect plan! Before the girl could speak, the boy reached over, took Cassie Mae by the shoulders; and with a smirk and a modest laughter, he gave her a hard push right into the sand. He wondered what she would do. Would she smile at him? Would she, maybe daringly, reach up and hold his hand? Would she perhaps maybe, just maybe, give him a hug? Oh, that blush on his cheeks was just about as red as hers!

But a smile didn’t come back. Not a smile, not a grin, not a smirk, not even a mere indication of happiness or love for him. Instead, it was screaming and crying and tears running down her face. Before him in the sand sat the poor girl on her bottom, crying her eyes out from a push and the sand staining all over her white dress.

“Noah, you’re so mean!” she shrieked, getting up and glaring at him. Maybe this was what OJ meant. He was being mean, so he must be doing it right!

“Uh… Is this the part where ya kiss me or somethin’?”

Mad was an understatement. Hell, she wasn't just glaring at him now. She had this piercing, menacing glow in her eyes like a damn tiger's! Was that a hint of red? Suddenly, where a once confident boy stood now rested a kid who felt like the worst person alive.

"Cassie?" Noah spoke as the girl gave him one last glower before making a beeline for the teacher. A laugh came from OJ's direction.

To sum up the poor boy's day, it wasn't very good. Not only had he lost the girl of his childhood dreams, but he’d been made a fool of by his best friend. The teacher, upon hearing of what happened by Cassie Mae, had sentenced him to an excruciating afternoon of detention and contacted his parents. If embarrassment at school wasn’t sufficient, there couldn’t be enough words to express how much punishment it was going to be when he came home and his dad got that leather belt out. Fortunately or unfortunately, he forgave OJ like any kid did. Best friends were best friends through thick and thin, and Noah wasn’t going to let one incident with a girl get in the way of their relationship. Nonetheless, Cassie Mae sure didn’t forget, but at Noah’s apology everything became better. They were acquaintances again, although at least it wasn’t with anger but perhaps a bit of awkward conversation. OJ summed it up the best he could.

“Noah, you just don’t have luck with girls at all.”

Ironically, a few years later, Cassie Mae would be Noah’s first girlfriend.