THE REAL US HISTORY

THE REAL US HISTORY

BIRTH OF A NATION

OKAY SO LIKE ONE NIGHT CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS GOT DRUNK, HE PUKED INTO THE OCEAN AND WAS LIKE, “DUDE OCEAN YOU AIN’T SO TOUGH! I BET YOU DON’T EVEN GO ON FOREVER OR ABRUTLY END!”
THEN FUCKING GOD SHOWS UP AND IS LIKE, “DUDE CHRIS YOU WERE THE 1ST FUCKER EVER TO SAY SOME SHIT LIKE THAT!”
“SERIOUSLY?” CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS SAID BACK.
“YEAH,” GOD SAID, “WANNA HUMP?”
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS WAS LIKE, “NO WAY MAN THAT’S GAY AS HELL!”
GOD RESPONDED, “WOAH WOAH DUDE, I AM A REPRESENATION OF A HIGHER POWER, YOU WEIRD-ASS HUMANS ALWAYS GIVE ME A GENDER BUT I DON’T HAVE ONE OKAY SO CHILL, IT AIN’T GAY!”
CHRISTOPHER PONDERED THIS AWHILE BUT THEN SAID, “OKAY LET’S TOTALLY DO IT!”
A MONTH LATER CHRISTOPHER WOKE UP WITH MORNING SICKNESS AND WAS LIKE, “UGGGH GOD WHAT THE HELL?”
GOD LAUGHED AND SAID, “HAHA KNOCKED YOU UP!”
“DUDE YOU SAID YOU WEREN’T A DUDE!”
“I DIDN’T SAY I WAS A CHICK EITHER, I’M FUCKING GOD I’LL KNOCK UP A BITCH IF I WANNA!”
AFTER MUMMBLING ANGIRELY TO HIMSELF FOR AWHILE CHRIS FINALLY MANAGED TO GET OUT, “GOD, GOD YOU’RE SUCH A DOUCHE!”
“WHAT’S THAT?” GOD ASKED, “YOU WANT 8 MONTHS OF LABOR? WELL I AM NOTHING BUT A BENEVOLENT GOD!”

8 MONTHS OF LABOR LATER, CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS GAVE BIRTH TO THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER TO GRACE THIS PLANET!
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBAS GAVE BIRTH TO AMERICA AND HE DID IT FLORIDA FIRST, WHICH IS THE MOST PAINFUL WAY!
AFTERWARDS CHRISTOPHER COLUMBAS LAY THERE AND WENT, “…..HOLY SHIT”
CAUSE I MEAN HONESTLY IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE ONE CAN SAY JUST AFTER GIVING BIRTH TO AN ENTIRE GOD-DAMN CONTINENT?

PRE-REVOLUTIONARY WAR TIMES

SO, CAUSE OF DEUX EX MACHINA GOD CAN DO WHAT THE FUCK HE WANTS, WHEN BIRTHED THE CONTINENT ALREADY HAD PEOPLE ON IT. THERE WERE TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE BIRTHED ON THE CONTINENT!

1.) INDIANS – THESE BASTARDS DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT GOD! JESUS, WEREN’T THEY THERE? THEY WERE PROBABLY OFF GETTING HIGH AT A GRATEFUL DEAD CONCERT OR SOME SHIT, GOD DAMN PAGANS! ANYWAY GOD SMALL POX’D THE HELL OUT OF THEM! THE FEW THAT LIVED WERE KICKED THE SHIT OUT OF BY THE SECOND GROUP! (THEIR CRIME? THEIR GOD DAMN FACES!)

2.) REAL AMERICANS – THEY WERE THESE BADASSES WHO CAME OUT RIDING MOTORCYLES, SWINGING BIKE-CHAINS, AND ABUSING THE HELL OUTTA THEIR WOMEN, LIKE REAL FUCKING MEN! BOO-YA!

SO LIKE I SAID, THE *~REAL~* AMERICANS KICKED EVERY INDIAN IN THE NADS UNTIL THEY DIED! THEN THE AMERICANS CHILLED FOR AWHILE, THEY POPPED OUT LAWN CHAIRS, OPENED A COUPLE OF BUDWISERS AND CHILLED LIKE THE FUCKING PROS THEY WERE!

MEANWHILE, GOD AND CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS WERE JUST CHILLING CAUSE FUCK SHIT MAN CHRIS NEEDED SOME DAMN TIME TO RECOPERATE AFTER GIVING BIRTH TO SUCH AWESOME

REVOLUTIONARY WAR

OKAY SO LIKE I SAID, THE AMERICANS WERE JUST CHILLING MINDING THEIR OWN BUSINESS, WHEN SOME BRIT ASSHOLES SHOWED UP AND ASKED FOR SOME DAMN TAXES. THEY WERE LIKE ASKING EVERYBODY FOR TAXES CAUSE THEY ALL THOUGHT THEIR DICKS WERE SO BIG OR SOME SHIT!
THE AMERICANS, LIKE AMERICANS DO, SAID, “FUCK THAT SHIT!” THEN THEY COCK SLAPPED THE BASTARD TILL HE DIED!
THE BRIT-FAGS WERE LIKE SUPER PISSED, AND THREATENED TO SEND A GODDAMN ARMY OVER!

EVERYBODY GOT TOGETHER AND WERE LIKE, “FUCK DUDE THERE’S LIKE 20 OF US, AND THEY’VE GOT LIKE A FUCKING ARMY OF TONS OF DUDES!”
THAT’S WHEN THE ROUGHEST BADDEST DUDE STOOD UP, AND SPIT OUT THE GOD-DAMN KITTEN HE WAS CHEWING ON. THAT DUDE WAS GEORGE “GOD-DAMN” WASHINGTON!
HE SAID, “BITCH, WHY YOU CRYING! THEY ARE ALL A BUNCH OF CRUMPET-NIBBLING QUEERS, THEY AIN’T GOT SHIT ON US!” GEORGE WASHINGTON THEN GRABBED HIS JUNK, CRACKED OPEN A CHILD’S SKULL AND DRANK THE FLUID OUT OF IT!
ANOTHER ONE OF THE BADDEST DUDES OUT THERE THOMAS “WILL FUCK-YO MOMMA” JEFFERSON WAS LIKE, “DUDE YOU ARE SO FUCKING RIGHT! YOU KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO DO, I’M GOING TO DRAW A GIANT MIDDLE FINGER AND SEND IT TO THEM!”
THEN JEFFERSON DID SO, AND CALLED IT THE, THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE CAUSE ALL THEM BRIT-FAGS LIKE HAVING ALL THEIR DAMN LETTERS CALLED SOMETHING FANCY LIKE, “MAGNA CARTA” OR “SCROTUM-LOVERS QUATERLY.”

THE PROBLEM BEING THAT THOMAS “WILL FUCK YO MOMMA” JEFFERSON WAS ALL ABOUT GETTING HIGH. SO LIKE AFTER HE DREW IT HE SHOT UP MOLTEN FUCKING LEAD, THAT BADASS! HE WAS SO HIGH HE SENT IT TO HIMSELF INSTEAD. WHEN JEFFERSON GOT HIS OWN LETTER HE WAS LIKE, “WHAT KINDA BITCH-ASS BUTTHOLE WOULD SEND ME THIS!” HE THEN PROCEEDED TO RAMPAGE HIS, HIGH AS SHIT ASS, THROUGH DOWN-TOWN TOKYO! LUCKILY ALEXANDER HAMILTON WAS THERE BUYING A BUSCHEL FULL OF ASIAN MIDGET SEX SLAVES. HE WENT UP TO JEFFERSON LIKE, “WOAH MOTHER FUCKER CHILL YO ASS! YOU SO HIGH DOGS CAN’T HEAR YA, AREN’T YA?” JEFFERSON WAS LIKE, “BITCH DON’T JUDGE ME! I GOT THIS IN THE MAIL, AND I’M MAD AS A SOBER WHORE-LESS BEN FRANKLIN!”
HAMILTON LOOKED AT THE LETTER AND WAS LIKE, “DUDE YOU NEED TO LAY OFF THE MOLTEN LEAD, THIS IS THE LETTER YOU WROTE TO THE BRITS!”
JEFFERSON WAS LIKE, “OH….MY BAD!”
“IT COOL T-MAN! THEY ONLY CHINA-MEN, NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THEM!” HAMILTON SAID, AS HE SLUNG A SACK OF CRYING JAPANESE WHORES OVER HIS SHOULDER. THEY THEN SENT THE LETTER TO THE RIGHT FUCKERS.

WHEN THOSE ENGLISH DOUCHES GOT THE LETTER, ALL THEIR DAMN MONOCLES FELL OUTTA THEIR EYES, INTO THEIR DAMN CUPS OF EARL-GREY TEA. THEN THEY SENT THEIR MOST HARD-CORE DUDES TO FIGHT THE AMERICANS.

IT WAS TOO BAD, THEIR TOUGHEST GUYS WERE A BUNCH OF LIMP-WRISTED DICK-KISSERS! DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE BRITS SENT LIKE 80 MILLION OF THEIR PUSSY-ASS SOLDIERS THE AMERICANS KICKED THE FUCK OUT OF THEIR SHIT! THEY ALL RAN CRYING BACK TO BRIT-LAND, AND TOOK OUT THEIR RAGE ON THEIR GOD-DAMN NEIGHBOORS THE SCOTTISH, AND THE IRISH! THEY ARE JUST FAT DRUNKS THOUGH SO WHATEVER.

SO YEAH, AMERICA WON BIG TIME, LIKE THEY WILL FROM NOW ON! BEN FRANKLIN THEN PIPED UP, WHILE BANGING 20 HOT BABES AT ONCE, HE SAID, “YO YO YOU GUYS! WE TOTALLY NEED A SYMBOL OF THIS KICK-ASS VICTORY!” EVERYBODY WAS IN AGREEMENT! AT THIS POINT CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS WALTZED HIS ASS OVER AND WAS LIKE, “HEY GUYS WHAT DID I MISS?”
HE WAS IMMEDIATELY STRAPPED DOWN BY RESIDENT MAD SCIENTIST JOHN ADAMS. JOHN ADAMS HAD ONE BRILLANT MOTHER-FUCKING IDEA! JOHN ADAMS ENLISTED THE HELP OF THE LOCAL VAMPIRE, JOHN HANCOCK. JOHN HANCOCK DRAINED ALL THE ITALIAN BLOOD OUT OF CHRIS, THEN JOHN ADAMS GRAFTED HIM A SWEET FUCKING VAGINA OUT OF FISH-GUTS AND A BEER COZY! YA KNOW CAUSE VAGINA’S ARE FUCKING NASTY BUT AWESOME AT THE SAME TIME RIGHT!
BUT YEAH CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS WOKE UP LIKE, “WOW I SHOULD FEEL SHITTY BUT I DON’T!”
JOHN ADAMS, WHO WAS SMOKING ON A CIGAR THE SIZE OF POP-EYE’S FOREARM WAS LIKE, “THAT’S CAUSE YOU’RE AN AMERICAN NOW! NO MORE SPAGETTI SIPPING FOR YOU HOMO-QUEEF! YOU’LL BE DOING NOTHING EXCEPT BEING A BAD-ASS MOTHER FUCKER FROM NOW ON……BETSY ROSS!”
CHRIS WAS LIKE, “YEAH..YEAH I CAN LIVE WITH THAT, NOW IF YOU EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO TAKE A MEAN FUCKING SHIT!”
THEN BETSY ROSS SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR, AND OUT CAME THE MOST BEAUTIFUL EXPERSSION OF AMERICAN PATRIOTISM…………..AN IHOP!

AND EVERYTHING WAS GREAT AND GOOD IN AMERICA FOR LIKE A LONG ASS TIME!

CIVIL WAR

I DON’T KNOW, SOME HICKS GOT THEIR PANTIES IN A TWIST OVER SOMETHING AND SO LINCOLN KARATE CHOPPED THEM IN HALF. WHATEVER, NOTHING IMPORTANT!

ROBOT WARS

SO LIKE FOR A LONG-ASS TIME THINGS WERE CHILL! THERE WAS ONE MOTHER-FUCKER WHO WASN’T CONTENT THOUGH!
HE WAS ALL LIKE, “THINGS ARE AS BORING AS SHIT AND PISS! I’MA GO INTO THE UNTAMED WEST AND FUCK SOME SHIT UP!”
THAT BADASS WAS THEODORE ROOSEVELT! HE SADDLED UP A FUCKING T-REX AND RODE OFF INTO THE WEST TO GO ON A SAFARI!
WHEN HE GOT THERE HE PAUSED A SECOND AND WENT, “DUDE, THE FUCKING WILD WEST IS FILLED WITH GODDAMN ROBOTS!”
AND HE WAS SO RIGHT, THERE WERE KILL-BOTS EVERYWHERE, TEARING UP SHIT AND BEING REAL DICK-HOLES!
APPARENTLY WHEN THE AMERICANS KILLED EVERY INDIAN THE KILL-BOTS HAD NOTHING TO ABUSE AND/OR SODOMIZE SO THEY STARTED TEARING UP THE LAND AND SHIT!
THEODORE ROOSEVELT WENT UP TO THE BIGGEST BADDEST ROBOT, “KILL-DEATH 900069” AND WAS LIKE
“HEY! Hey hey hey hey HEY HEY HEY hey hey hey hey HEY HEY HEEEEEEY!”
THE KILL-BOT WAS A LIKE, “BEEP”
AND ROOSEVELT WAS LIKE, “FUCK YOU!” HE THEN KICKED KILL-DEATH 900069 IN HIS UGLY ASS ROBOT-FACE AND THEY STARTED AN EPIC BATTLE! THEY FOUGHT IN A BARE-NUCKLES BONANZA FOR AN ENTIRE CENTURY! THEN THEODORE SAID, “OKAY THIS IS GETTING OLD FAST YOU BUCKET FULL OF RUSTY-ANUSES!” THEN ROOSEVELT UNPLUGGED HIM AND THE WEST WAS PURGED OF ROBOTS! THIS ONE GUY, ANDREW CARNIGE, WAS LIKE, “WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THAT AT THE BEGINNING?”
ROOSEVELT LAUGHED FOR A LONG-ASS TIME AND SAID, “YOU’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND! SOMETIMES A MAN JUST NEEDS A GOOD FIGHT! BY THE WAY WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?”
THEN ANDREW CARNIGE SIGHED A DEEP SIGH AND SLUNK OFF INTO OBSCURITY.

THINGS WERE AGAIN CHILL FOR A LONG FUCKING WHILE!

MODERN TIMES

ONE DAY THIS DUDE NAMED KENNEDY STOOD UP AND WAS LIKE, “MAYBE WAR AIN’T THAT GREAT.” SO NIXION SHOT HIM IN THE FUCKING HEAD….REPEATIDLY….WITH A RPG!
“ARRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” NIXION SAID VICTORIOUSLY GRABBING HIS BALLS AND THROTTLING MINORITIES! NIXION WAS A MAN SO BAD ASS HE COULD KILL A MAN WITH HIS JOWELS!
“I DECLARE WAR ON THE FUCKING MOON!” NIXION SAID.
NIXION THEN WALKED RIGHT UP TO THE MOON, TOOK A BITE OUT OF ITS HEAD AND THEN THREW IT INTO THE SUN! HE THEN TANNED IN THE INSUEING SOLAR BACK-LASH.

TO THIS DAY, NIXION IS STILL THE MAN IN CHARGE AND HE DOES A GOOD FUCKING JOB OF TORTURING THE DICK OFF OF COMMUNISTS, AND DECLARING WAR ON EVERY FUCKER!
SO YEAH MAYBE MORE SHIT WILL HAPPEN LATER, BUT THAT’S AMERICAN HISTORY SO FAR ALRIGHT, SO DEAL!