Blood Ocean

Blood Ocean

I close my eyes, trying to imagine what all this horrible pain and sorrow I see around me would look like, what manifestation all the sad tears of my beloved friends would take on...

All I see when I close my eyes...is a Blood Ocean, an ocean of blood...

The ocean is vast, these crimson waters stretch for miles and miles from all directions, not a spec of hopeful land in sight. I don't know how deep the ocean of blood goes, but I know that the very blood that fills it is that of my friends. It came raining down into this ocean from the self-afflicted slashes of their arms, the 45mm bullets they plant in their heads, the red tears they cried when they suffered some terrible pain...

I can actually see them, my friends, drowning in their own crimson tears sinking to the bottom. I try to reach for them but they refuse to take my hand, saying I shouldn't even bother to try. They allow themselves to be taken, not so much as a struggle or gasp for air...they just let themselves sink deeper and deeper, thinking that these crimson waters will deliver them from the pain and set them free...even though it'll only erase them from existence, erase them from the memories of those that knew them...

I cry a few crimson tears of my own. I feel so fuckin' useless, nothing I have done, nothing I could or should do will change anything. I sit in my lone wooden boat, drifting along the surface of this ocean of blood. I sit there, alone, meanwhile more and more people cast themselves into these crimson waters screaming their goodbyes to this so-called cruel world they spern so much...

We humans were made to suffer, ever since Adam and Eve took a bite of that forbidden fruit God casted them into the dark world, the only redemption we have is to endure the suffering til we pass on as God intended...yet they don't want to except that...instead they choose to just slip away through the Door to Darkness and never be heard from again, hoping for the release from it all...

Tell me my friend, what should I do? You say it was never my fault but I feel like I let you go too easily. Perhaps I have given up as well. But I don't want to forget you, I don't want you to fade away from my memories. Perhaps the only way to hold on to you forever...is to join you in the ocean of blood. Is that it? Should I also plunge into these goddamn waters flowing red with oblivious release? Can I even bring myself to do it?

I stand up in my small wooden boat, put one foot on the side railing...and from that point I must decide for myself whether or not I should end it all here, whether or not I should drown with my friends in this ocean of blood...

I imagined I stepped on the side of the boat and then took one step right off, plunging into the blood ocean...drowning...drowning in sorrow along with my friends who went on without me...

But then, I suddenly didn't want to drown anymore. I gasped for air, the crimson tears of thousands of poor souls filling my lungs, the very copperish taste of it tingled the back of my throat like a sweet tart. My mind felt hazy, as if I was submitting to the effects of a smoke-like substance. I blacked out, seeing only darkness...but I could still feel alive even when my eyes could not see anything but nothingness. Then, I opened my eyes again...

I was floating, it seems that instead of drowning I had made it to the surface and now floated along while everyone else sinks into oblivion. I am just drenched in the crimson tears as though I was bathing in it in total bliss. I can taste it still on my lips, my throat is just thirsty for this unusually tasty nectar that is all around me. I can no longer feel any sorrow in my heart...only this feeling of hatred towards everything that tormented me, everything that made me even want to take the plunge in the first place. It's like I've become something no longer human...something twisted, corrupt, sinister, the very imbodiment of my inner demons finally taken over.

Then, I open my eyes, snapping out of that dark dream, and there it is, the knife in my hand. Then the memory comes back, the thought of making that fatal cut that would end all my sorrow. I still feel that sorrow I have always felt, but now, I no longer feel...emo...I no longer want to end it for myself...

...Instead I feel the dark desire to take this knife and go end it all for the very thing that cause me this pain I feel. By the time I reallize this sudden craving for crimson tears rising within me, my eyes turn white with fear as I hurl that evil thing away from my hand. I just stare at my shaking hands in horror, imagining what they would look like drenched in blood. I shed a tear, trying to come to grips with what just happened here in this bathroom.

My God, what is wrong with me?