Round 2. Introduction to the End of it all.

Round 2. Introduction to the End of it all.

This is peaceful. Shouldn’t it be bad?

No, they say….no. Of course not, claro que no, iie ja nai……

Of course, no light to bother with, the barest hints of movement swaying, a current nudging my limbs, my body in meandering ways. But I don’t have a body anymore; I cast off that heavy cumbersome thing, cast off its twisted identity long ago. This is me, I am none. I use these pronouns, I, me, my, mine, only out of habit of the dying consciousness that is me, was me, will soon never be me again.

This is what I always wanted.

(Long after, I’d never admit I had that thought. I’d entertain it only in secret.)

I remember little now. It’s very distant, very. I know it was long, whatever it was, it was difficult, it was exciting, it was something I’d never trade normality for. There were many things then I’d never trade. Well, one at least, that I remember. It’s name, what was it? He, she? Mayhap it was She, it sounds right.

But not, they say. She is not its name. Forget, they say, it doesn’t matter now. All that is long behind. A distant story. But wasn’t it important, I ask. No, they say. Nothing is important here, where there is none. You’ve come home at last prodigal one. Home into nothing.

How long am I home, I ask, but I realize I don’t care, never did. I’m fading more, and I don’t care. I was scared earlier, scared before I welcomed this blessed, cursed, silence. This…..nothing. This is what I wanted, what I always dreamed for.

I’m home at last, I’m almost gone, and when I’m gone, everything will be alright.

(Later, I would laugh at that thought, and curse myself as I always had.)

But I’m not gone. I feel (a miracle in itself) a sensation. I realize that if I were still alive it would be pain. It’s a wonder to feel such a thing, this pain. I knew this once. Pain is familiar, I knew it so long ago when I was alive. I’ve been here before, once before, once, at the beginning. Ka is a wheel, they say. But who says?

(Later I’d never remember what I knew this ka to be. I knew it now, and later….it would tear me up on the inside, the wondering about it.)

It’s different now. I’m being pulled, what is this? Leave me, I want to stay, this is my dream, my paradise, my rakuen, by blessed clearing at the end of my path.

Haha, what path, they laugh. What path?

<Hacker-taker……>

Can’t you leave me? I’ve left that suffering for good. Here where I have no more senses than my dwindling consciousness, a pinprick of light that soon should be gone, swallowed up by the nothing. No hearing, no vision, no touch, no scent, to taste. But still, I feel what would be pain. An ache where I long for something I lost. Agh, leave me, leave me now.

<….bender-breaker.>

Lost it again, he, she, She, Shi…..it’s coming back. But why did I lose it? Why must it come back?

Ka is a wheel, and I thought I’d finally reached the end. But a wheel has no ends, does it, it just keeps going, a path with no clearing at the end. This I realize and with dismay I know I’ve not finished yet. Finished what? That’s the question. The million-dollar question, as he might have said. He? He who? Ty, it was Ty. Ty who? Million dollar question.

<Tinker-tailor….>

No. My time has ended, my story is done. Write books, sing songs, tell stories of my birth, my childhood, my honor, my corruption, my slip from royalty to peasantry, slavery to knighthood, from there to traveler, to savior, to anonymous friend, to guide and dihn, and finally to my final hours, my final lonesome breath. What a story it was. Tell it well, say thankya, and leave me be in my last final thoughts. Why now do you try and recall me in my entirety?

<….soldier-sailor.>

If I still had vocal cords, I’d have cried out. If I had legs I’d have kicked, if arms, I’d have flailed with everything to keep from being torn from the death I wanted, needed, deserved, and finally had. I remembered more, ghosts of things I wish I hadn’t. I knew that I wasn’t meant to live anymore, this is why I had died, why I was killed, why I let myself leave that monotonous adventure called life.

<Are you ready, little toy soldier?>

Leave me, I want none of this, for I’ve already seen it all. Catalog every name I’ve used, every face I’ve had and every identity borrowed, returned. What now?

Time to dance, hon, get your shoes on. Cut your losses, count your chips, time for round 2, and we’re going all in.